Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part II)
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.27.2003
San Francisco City Proper, Truck-Jacking Gone Horribly Awry Division. Cops snap evidence photos and string crime scene tape as Piper and the Brides emerge from a crappy green digital overlay set discreetly off to one side. Piper offers to scry for The Stooges, so Bride Of Vaughn summons a bloody dagger from one truck-jacking corpse's chest. Just then, some bald biker jackass with a handlebar mustache and filthy clothes ambles out of a nearby watering hole to deploy the Warrior Princess cracks I started making an hour and a half ago -- to wit: "What, is there a Xena convention in town or something?" Shut it, moron. Vaughn orders him to his knees. "I got a better idea," he leers. "How about you get on your knees instead?" Yes, gentle reader, training a runty little bulldog to hump Rose McGowan's leg wasn't enough for Brad Kern; nor were the numerous scenes of scantily-clad Amazons stroking each other while sweaty men wrestled in a nearby ring of bamboo. He went that extra mile for us and inserted an explicit blowjob reference into this episode. And that's why we love him so much. Right?
Scumbag.
Strap-On subdues the tasteless bald man with some telekinetic mojo until Piper puts a stop to it by reminding the Brides that the real world follows a different set of rules. The tasteless bald man angrily stomps back into the bar and soon emerges with a posse of biker pals, all spoiling for a fight. One of them's a chick who looks just like Joey Ramone. That's got to hurt. Piper eyes the group and murmurs, "You know, I have an idea of how we can blend in better," and anyone who's seen the Terminator movies knows exactly where they're going with this.
But I bet no one was expecting a Wagner reference, were they? Yes, we don't see the subsequent battle, but as the shot cuts to Piper's leg cranking down on her stolen motorcycle's vroom-vroom thingy, an appalling, guitar-heavy version of "The Ride Of The Valkyries" assaults the soundtrack. I just…this is…I can't…I don't…oh, fuck it. The Dykes On Bikes zoom out into the street past a stunned Darryl, who's shocked to recognize Piper as one of the fierce leather-clad lesbians.
And you can all shut up about "vroom-vroom thingy" right now. Like I know from motorcycles.
The Bay Mirror. Phoebe slams through the swinging doors, cell phone pressed to her ear. She goofs about Darryl's news regarding Piper for a bit, then immediately hangs up on him when she spots Chronic ambling into the main room from his office. Rude little goat. Also: Wow. Chronic's looking a little puffy. Maybe he should lay off the bong for a while. Chronic strides over and plants a big, sloppy wet one on the Feebs as the camera shoots into a dizzying, swirling spin around them. Why the editors didn't just go ahead and add little cartoon hearts dancing around their heads, I'll never know. Various reporters gaze on in stunned silence and sickened disbelief. Maybe I'm projecting a little with that. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, and oh, this is just vile. Phoebe and Chronic stagger into his office, where they mack on each other some more, without closing the goddamned door, so everyone in the office can see what's going on and hear Phoebe loudly refer to Chronic's apparently palpable arousal. This is a massive lawsuit just waiting to happen, and I'm not talking about Phoebe's coworkers hauling her slutty ass into court for creating a hostile working environment. No, I'm talking about me filing a staggering class-action suit against Spelling Productions and the WB for subjecting the viewing public to this revolting display. Why? WHYYYYYY? After endless shots of panting and groping and gasping and tongues and lips and oh my God I want to die and it's never going to end it's never going to end it's never ever going to STOP PAWING HER TITS, Chronic finally notices everyone staring at them so he shuts the door and that's the end of the scene and I never, EVER want to look at something like that AGAIN.
Meanwhile, The Three Stooges gut an entire chop shop of auto mechanics. The Dykes On Bikes tool in, dismount, and order The Stooges back to Valhalla. "What do you think?" Curly asks. "I think the enemy wears many masks," gravelly-voiced Moe replies. The Stooges raise their swords and charge straight into the commercial break.