Episode Report Card Shack: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT First Dubya, now this
By Shack | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 08.20.2002
Now it's time for the [product-placed cola] moment, which for once actually has something to contribute to the show. Black and Decker explain that all four of the remaining finalists went into the studio to record the single that the winner will eventually release. Justin arrives at Sunset Sound and tells us that it's "really cool" to record in a studio. Thanks so much for that amazing piece of information. Suddenly, I'm watching Making the Band again. Kelly (Eeeeeee!), in pigtails and a plaid beach hat, explains that people like Sheryl Crow, Prince, and Elton John have recorded in this studio. If that's the case, you'd think they'd have enough money to get a sign that doesn't look like it belongs in front of a mini-golf/go-kart track amusement center. Nikki says she enjoys putting her own stamp on a song that has never been performed by anybody before. Tamyra says, "It's a dream. And so are the lyrics." There are clips of each of the kids recording, and based on what little I can hear of the song, it's more saccharine than a sugar plantation. Blech.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Justin's final performance. He has chosen Michael Jackson's "PYT," which stands for "Pretty Young Thing." Michael originally dedicated the song to Emmanuel Lewis. Just kidding. I think. I'd really rather not consider the possibility. Let's move on.
Justin heads out to the stage in a brown sleeveless shirt and matching corduroys. Oh dear. Well, first of all, Justin's voice is too low for the song. And then there's the dancing. He spreads his legs wide, bends his knees, and has his feet facing opposite directions, like he's riding a horse. I actually shouted, "That Mayor Quimby! He doesn't know whether he's coming! Or going!" And if you don't get the reference, watch the episode where Sideshow Bob runs for mayor. It's the exact same pose. He bobs his head around, flails those long legs around, and monotones his way through the song. Mute it, and it's like watching Pinocchio sing "I've Got No Strings." I swear, he even does The Charleston during part of the instrumental bridge. It's goofy, and not a good kind of goofy, like when your best friend dresses up in drag for Halloween. It's the kind of goofy where your mother dresses up like a clown and does shtick for the community talent show and all your friends get to see it. It's embarrassing and you just want to hide under a rock until it's over. A cringe-inducing performance.