Episode Report Card Shack: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT First Dubya, now this
By Shack | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 08.20.2002
So "Straight Up" starts playing, and the kids skip out to the stage. The girls take turns singing the verses. Paula smiles and dances in her seat to her own songs. They sound awful, though I'm sure I probably didn't have to tell you that. They switch to "Opposites Attract," with Justin playing the role of the cartoon cat. That's definitely a role he was born to play. The audience screams about something, but we don't know what's going on, because the camera's on Paula. The kids dance badly. They sing badly. They're having fun. They laugh at my pain. It's karmic revenge for every mean thing I've said about them in these recaps. The girls sing "Cold-Hearted," while Paula points to Simon throughout the song. They switch to "The Way That You Love Me." Justin drags Paula up onstage, and I start loading my gun. She dances around, but when they try to hand her a microphone, she refuses and rush, rushes back offstage, preventing me from having an Elvis moment. Finally, blessedly, it ends, as limply as it began. Are you happy now? Did you enjoy my suffering? After all I've done, you put me through this? I'm going to have to spend the commercial break cleaning out my ear canals with sulfuric acid.
Blessed, beautiful commercials. I love you, Cover Girl. Oooh, sexy Gap dancer guy. The ass-shaking made me nearly forget the medley entirely. Marry me, colored contact lens girl. Jessica Alba is a breath of fresh air. Aaaaah, Adam Baldwin. It's gone. The performance is gone. Phew.
When we return, it's time to pad like there's no tomorrow. Ryan reminds us all that the show is going to be over in two weeks. He admits that he's even going to miss Simon when it's over. Awwww. But goodbye sex is the hottest sex. What Ryan will miss most, however, is knowing that fifteen million people are hanging on his every word every week. This is all the segue to tonight's [product-placed car] skit, featuring Ryan and his desperate, boundless fame-whoring. He shows up at the mansion with a car full of pizza to try to worm his way into the finalists' good graces. Well, if it doesn't work, he can always use the clip as a screen test for his gay porn career. He knocks on the door; Kelly (Eeeeeee!) and Nikki greet him. Blah blah blah, the kids take the pizza, then close the door in Ryan's face. Then a couple of seconds later, Nikki runs back out to apologize for being rude and to give him a dollar tip. Ryan blathers on to her about having nothing to do, in an attempt to get invited in; instead of taking the "hint," Nikki asks him to wash all their [product-placed cars]. Ryan does, because he's such a submissive bottom. Don't get too close to the engine, Ryan. Didn't you see those recall reports? That must be why they're sponsoring this show; its target demographic isn't exactly known for paying attention to Consumer Reports or anything. Nikki and Kelly (Eeeeeee!) watch him and debate letting him in, but decide against it. Good for them.