Tuesday. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically reminds us that R.J. was booted from the competition last week, leaving him with nothing more to do but to bitch about Simon to the media at every possible opportunity. Because, as we all know, Simon voted R.J. out. Tonight, the remaining four blah blah blah.
Credits. Ryan "Just a Gigolo" Seacrest and Brian "Maniac" Dunkleman head out from the back of the stage to The Octagon of Judgment to greet the audience. Wait, actually, let me start over. Brian walks out while Ryan bounds out across the stage like a chimpanzee that has been injected with heroin, jumps off the front of the stage, humps Randy's leg, rubs his ass along the carpet, chases his tail, howls at the moon, and pees in the corner. Somebody pull his choke chain and calm him the fuck down. Seriously, Roberto Benigni thinks Ryan is a bit hyperactive. Somebody's not getting enough attention at home. Come on, Simon. Now that Christina's gone, you can scratch Ryan's belly now and then, can't you? Eventually, Ryan makes his way back onstage, while Brian pretends that he has actual friends in the audience. The audience cheers (well, not for that). Some kids are holding up letters that spell out "ELLY." I think that's because Ryan has snorked up all the Special K, if you get what I mean.
Black and Decker finally get the show on the road with an unfunny joke about Randy's tendency to repeat himself three times. Nobody laughs. Tonight's songs are from the '80s and '90s. The audience cheers, because they're tired of all those songs from eras that had good music. Oops, did I show a bias there? Actually, I like a lot of '90s music, but I hated about 95 percent of all pop music from the '80s. ["Fired!" -- Sars] Also, each finalist will sing two songs tonight. I took that to mean that they had to sing a song from each decade, but that's apparently not the case. Black and Decker introduce the kids. The audience cheers. There's that missing "K." Keep it away from Ryan. And the "E," too.
Black and Decker send the kids back off-stage while they introduce the judges. Brian introduces Randy "Hungry Heart" Jackson as their "very own crop circle." I'm sure there's a universe where that joke is funny. But in this universe, since Randy is round in three whole dimensions, the joke falls a little flat. Er. Sorry. Randy is wearing a shirt with a giant "EU" on it, which stands for Ecko Unlimited, not the element Europium. Ryan introduces Paula "I Want A New Drug" Abdul with a joke about her crying while watching Signs. Actually, that wasn't a joke at all. Have they managed to work product placements into the judge intros? Paula is wearing the same insanely stupid little leopard-print hat she wore to the Pasadena auditions. The only people on earth that think the hat isn't ugly are Paula and Anna Nicole Smith's interior designer. Ryan concludes that they have the president of the Simon Cowell Fan Club there tonight, before revealing that it's Simon "Der Kommissar" Cowell. The fifteen women in charge of the various Simon fan clubs across the world flick Ryan the bird. I believe Kaya from Temptation Island is sitting in the first row, wearing a shiny pink shirt. I'm sure Ryan is relieved that there's somebody here gayer than him. Simon has a new haircut, prompting Brian to snit, "Hire a lawyer; sue your barber." And then sue Brian for stealing your jokes. "Unfiltered Dunkleman," Ryan observes, which I'm pretty sure was a phrase used in EW as a sort of sarcastic criticism of Fuckleman (tm Sars). Ryan hates Brian. Hates him so much. He ran off the stage at the beginning of the show just to get away from him.
Let's see what sort of idiot clip show theme is going to be forced upon us all night. Black and Decker explain that not only do the finalists have to deal with the pressures of their performances and the voting, but they also have to learn to deal with the press. Because the entertainment press is known for having such tough interviews. So they sent the kids to those hardcore journalists who make up the staff of YM magazine. I don't feel familiar enough with this esteem-destroyer of a girl's magazine to give a withering comment, but perhaps Sars will oblige. ["Actually, I would have a more withering comment, but Christina Kelly of the late great Sassy recently took over the helm at YM and banished diet stories from the mag, so it's not as much of a suck as, say, Seventeen." -- Sars] The kids drive up to the magazine's offices in their [product-placed cars] and are introduced to the staff. Alyssa Vitrano, the "entertainment director" of the magazine, tells the camera that kids have been "thrown into the world of being famous, immediately." Okay, cruise ships have entertainment directors. Magazines have entertainment editors. Regardless, I hope she writes better than she speaks. Abby Gardner, the "beauty director" (blech) of the magazine, repeats essentially the same thing Alyssa said, but with different words. This "education" experience about working with the press is primarily an excuse to show a half-dozen recent YM covers to us: "Ashanti tells you about her boy problems"; "What to do about your big fat crush"; "Why you are fat and ugly and need to buy the stuff in our advertisements or boys won't like you." Tamyra asks them how they choose which artists they cover. The ones whose publicists return phone calls. Kelly asks how much control an artist has over a photo shoot. Geez, what did that guy from Us Weekly do to these kids? Abby offers her "prediction" about the winner, much in the manner that Paula Abdul offers her criticism, i.e. she doesn't predict anything at all and says the kids are great and have their own style and blah blah blah.
Back at The Octagon of Judgment, it's time to get on with the actual performances. First up is Tamyra "Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" Gray. Back we go to the YM editors, and it's very clear that the kids are there to be profiled for the magazine, and the whole "learning about the press" thing is a load of hooey. In an interview with the editors, Tamyra tells them that she'd like to try something like sky-diving or whitewater rafting. The editors act surprised that she's actually fun and goofy and has this wild streak. Like the judges, they just don't know what to do when somebody doesn't stay shoved permanently in his or her little personality box. Tamyra's supposed to be elegant and reserved!
Tamyra hits The Octagon to sing Patti LaBelle's "New Attitude." She's gone for a very casual look tonight, wearing a blue shirt with silver writing and brown jeans with bleach splotches. Her hair is still straightened and she's added some lighter hair extensions, which, honestly, makes her even less distinctive-looking than she was last week.
She exhorts the crowd to get up on its feet and clap along with the song, but it sounds terribly quiet in there. I don't think we really hear the full reaction of the audiences on television. From reports I've read by people who have attended the shows, it sounds like there's more energy in the audience than we can actually see or hear. But still, it doesn't sound like the crowd is really with her. This isn't a very good song for Tamyra to have chosen. It already screams "theme song for a talk show on Lifetime" or "hormone replacement system infomercial," so I think it has too much cheesy, faux-empowerment baggage now to take seriously. Tamyra's voice is terribly hoarse; we'll find out later that she and Kelly both have sore throats from some unidentified illness. She flubs the lyrics slightly, but catches herself. The camera pans over the audience, and they really aren't reacting enough to create the level of energy to make the song work. Tamyra's voice sounds rather flat throughout the performance, or perhaps she just lacks energy. She just seems off. Not a good performance from Tamyra.
The audience still gives her a standing ovation. Randy says that it was an ambitious song choice, and starts talking about working with Patti LaBelle. Simon drowns him out with snoring, because he can't let anybody think that there's somebody on earth who knows more about music than he does. Shut up, Simon. Real music producers don't take moonlighting gigs as correspondents for crappy entertainment news shows. They're too busy producing music. Oh, have I mentioned that I'm as sick of Simon as I am of Black and Decker and Paula? I am. Black and Decker even get into the act, knowing full well who butters their bread, and act like Randy can't even make it through a sentence without mentioning his creds. Brian snarks, "Pick up that name you dropped." He's just jealous because Randy has actual names to drop. Anyway, Randy continues that he thought it was good, but not Tamyra's best. Adriel and Tanesha are sitting behind Randy. Adriel still looks pretty, and still has goofy hair. Paula agrees with Randy that Tamyra did a "great job," but it wasn't her best performance. Simon agrees with the other judges and tells Tamyra to prove she's still got her stuff in the second song. Tamyra smiles her winning pageant smile and nods politely to all the judges. Interestingly, nobody boos, which tends to happen with even the mildest criticism. I guess if I had been paying closer attention to that, I wouldn't have been so surprised by the final results. Tamyra heads up to Black and Decker, who give us the blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Nikki "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me" McKibbin. In her clip show, Nikki corrects us all that her hair is red, not pink. You know, like that other singer called Pink, whose hair, I believe, is no longer pink, either. Or so I hear. I really haven't been paying much attention to pop music for the past six months. Don't tell anybody. The YM clones regale us with more tales of how Nikki is such an "individual" and how she experiments with her hair and look. I must be a guy, because she tends to look the same from week to week for me. There are some minor changes, but hell, Tamyra and Kelly have both shown wider variety in their looks, so here's a big sack of "whatever" for the editors of YM.
Nikki heads out to The Octagon to sing Alanis Morissette's "Mary Jane." She's dressed fairly simply tonight, with a black sleeveless blouse and burgundy pants with what appear to be tan kneepads or something. The cameras don't normally pan in on the performers below the knee, so I can never figure out whatever unusual leg or footwear Nikki has been sporting from show to show.
So this is Nikki's rock ballad for the night, and it's okay. Nikki has volume problems that I think contribute to her flatness. The verses are plaintively crooned, and she does great with them, but when she gets to the power notes, her volume goes up five hundred decibels and she starts going flat. She must have noticed her problems with the held notes, because she tends to stick one of those country-twangs in the middle of each one to kind of split the note in half. I don't know what they're called. It's when the singer goes down a step or so and then comes right back up to the note. Of course, those could have been in the original song, but unlike everybody else on earth, apparently, I don't own a copy of that album. Shut up. Overall, a good performance for Nikki, but not spectacular.
The audience loves the performance and gives her a standing ovation. Randy tells Nikki that he thought that it was a good song choice for her, and that she did well, but it didn't blow him away. The audience starts booing. Interesting. Paula says that she thinks Nikki has really found her "comfort zone" tonight. Well yes. She was allowed to find her "comfort zone." Simon "Nikki, Nikki, Nikki"s (really, he does) that he told the finalists last week that they have to really believe that they can win. He thinks that Nikki took that to heart and pulled out a "fantastic" performance. The crowd goes absolutely wild. But that's not enough. Simon has to insult Randy for not going wild about Nikki's performance and tells him to "wash his ears out." Simon, honey, I've heard some of the "talent" you represent. Wash your ears out. And then shut up. Randy suggests that Simon needs a little "shake-up." From the wings, Brian snarks, "Girls! Girls! You're both pretty!"
Nikki heads up to Black and Decker, who ask Simon to repeat his compliments to Nikki. Blah blah blah votecakes.
up is Kelly "Cult Of Personality" Clarkson (Eeeeeee!). In her clip show, Kelly (Eeeeeee!) frets that she's not into the whole YM "your life revolves around make-up and cute boys" scene. Tellingly, Alyssa describes Kelly (Eeeeeee!) as having "girl--door tendencies" in the same tone of voice that the rest of us would use to say "child molester." She does praise Kelly's sense of humor and energy. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) tells them that she does have a sexy side, "somewhere deep inside her." Oh, I'm sure YM will be more than happy to help fix the body-image and esteem problems that they've helped create in you in the first place. Here, try this eyeliner.
And now Brian gets the only honest laugh he has elicited from me since the show started. He introduces Kelly (Eeeeeee!) by saying, "Buckle up, West Hollywood! Singing 'It's Raining Men,' it's Kelly Clarkson!" Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads out to the stage wearing a cute black-denim pantsuit. Disappointingly, there are no male strippers. And what is the deal with the song choice? Did "It's Raining Men" even ever make it on the charts? I thought the song was released directly into the DJ booths for Chippendales clubs and gay bars.
Just like Tamyra, Kelly (Eeeeeee!) has some serious energy problems in her song, probably for the same reason. And again, this song's got so much cheesy baggage that it simply can't be taken seriously. She sounds okay, but can't get her voice up enough for some of the notes and just isn't as solid as she normally is. She doesn't really work the stage well -- she just sort of paces around The Octagon during the song. Overall, a sort of blah performance. And again, no male strippers.
Still, the audience loves her. They love everybody. Except Black and Decker. Randy tells Kelly (Eeeeeee!) that she sounded amazing. He thinks she could make any song sound amazing. Well, if Kelly (Eeeeeee!) can make any song sound amazing, she should have picked a better song. Paula tells Kelly that her voice is "bigger than two Weathergirls put together." The Weathergirls sang the song back in the '80s, and thanks for bringing the fat jokes, Paula. You truly are the nicest person on the panel. Simon says he thinks Kelly (Eeeeeee!) did well, but he's looking forward to seeing her second performance. He seems certain that she, and the other finalists, have even better songs in the second round.
Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker, who give us the blah blah blah votecakes. Ryan shrieks, "It's raining men!" and then lies down on his back onstage with a funnel in his mouth as Brian sends us to commercials.
When we return, it's time for Justin "Tarzan Boy" Guarini. For the ladies and readers of YM, Justin is still the holder of the (Eeeeeee!). Given some of the angry -- and poorly spelled -- emails I received when I took the (Eeeeeee!) away from Justin, I can believe it. Alyssa says they're getting tons of letters about Justin, and Abby says that Justin is going to have to deal with the "heartthrob factor." Well, I suppose when you're surrounded by eunuchs, the one guy who seems even remotely sexual comes off like a big stud. Justin declares that he's "never gonna live this down," as if he hasn't been trying to work the sex mojo every single week.
Justin hits The Octagon to attempt to repeat his loin-stirring rendition of "Get Here" from the Pasadena auditions. Justin is wearing an outfit rather similar to Kelly's, but the guy version: a black denim jacket, jeans, and shirt. Justin's performance is better than he has been lately, but still not quite as good as it was in Pasadena. He seems to have lost the range he showed back then. And when we had seen him only twice, the stage presence seemed so effortless. Now that we've seen that he actually works at it quite a bit, it loses impact. It's like seeing a magic trick after you know how it's done. Still, there's some good eye-fucking, solid notes, and a stellar ending. A great performance from Justin.
The crowd goes wild. Justin's dad goes even wilder. Randy tells Justin that he thinks it was Justin's best performance in the whole competition. Paula blathers about Justin's "quiet sincerity" and asks him to keep it up. Whenever Paula says "quiet sincerity," I think she means "eye-fucking." Simon tells Justin that it was fabulous, great, wonderful, and terrific. Everybody's happy. Justin heads up to Black and Decker for the blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. Man, why'd they have to ruin a movie revolving around Jesse Bradford in a Speedo by casting Shiri Appleby? Dammit.
When we return, it's time for round two. Fortunately, we don't have to watch anymore pre-performance clip shows. Black and Decker simply introduce Tamyra's return to the stage to sing Stephanie Mills's "Feel The Fire."
Tamyra heads out to the stage in a black blouse with revealing sleeves and black pants. Tonight's fashion choices are all about the many shades of black. The audience is already on its feet and cheering before Tamyra starts to sing. I think the audience is generally biased in favor of the big ballads, with a few notable exceptions.
Whatever voice problems Tamyra is having are nearly undetectable in this performance. Actually, that's not entirely true. She's still a little hoarse, but it works for her in the song, giving her voice a smoky quality she doesn't normally have. I think perhaps she and Kelly both deliberately underplayed their first performances in order to save the strength for their ballads. Still, though Tamyra sounds beautiful, her energy level is way down in comparison to some of her performances.
Judges redux. Randy "Tamyra, Tamyra, Tamyra"s that this is the kind of performance from her he loves. Paula orders Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, and Celine Dion to "move on over" to make room for Tamyra. Well, Whitney and Mariah have already moved over so far that I'm not sure we'll ever see them perform ever again, and I'm not going to get into the whole "Celine" thing again. Ick. I'd prefer it if somebody pushed her off the bench entirely. Simon admits that he's running out of compliments. He's got more than enough insults to make up for it. But not for Tamyra, whom he describes as "superb" and "world-class."
Tamyra heads up to Black and Decker, who ask her if she was nervous between performances, given the judges' comments the first round. Tamyra says, "Absolutely," so hoarsely that I'm afraid she's going to spit blood all over them. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Now it's time for Nikki's second round. She's picked Melissa Etheridge's "I'm The Only One." Hey, maybe she's a single mom now after her own little voyage of personal discovery. What? Did you see her building that house a few weeks ago? She kicked ass! Okay, now that I've blathered on about both Ryan and Nikki, we'll just put an end to "Sexual Orientation Stereotype Theater." For now, anyway.
Nikki hits The Octagon wearing a cool, curvy ripped denim jacket. It looks kind of like something Prince would wear, except his would be made out of velvet or fur. She's also wearing a black belly-baring top and ripped jeans. This is a good song choice for Nikki, in the sense that she and Melissa have the same range. But for some reason, Nikki still sounds flat throughout the song. I don't understand why. Maybe it's because it keeps her from sounding like a "copycat" performance. Again, she's okay, but I don't really feel the desperation or slight anger that Etheridge put into the song.
Everybody cheers as though Nikki had just invented cold fusion. Randy "Nikki, Nikki, Nikki"s that she has finally found the perfect song for her. Did he just out her? Paula blah blah blahs some more about the song choice and says that this was Nikki's "magic moment." Simon says that, after the "nightmare" that was last week, Nikki has proven she belongs in the competition. Nikki's family is wearing shirts that have pictures on them of Nikki performing. I would be terribly embarrassed if my parents ever did that to me. And I know they totally would, too.
Nikki heads up to Black and Decker for the blah blah blah votecakes. Brian throws it to commercials, and the theme music starts up, but then camera-whore Ryan brings the whole show to a screeching halt. Why? He wants to run down to the front row to have some girl named Brooke throw the show to commercial for them. They're called run-throughs, Ryan. Look into them. I hope the guys in the control room come out and kick Ryan's ass during the commercial break.
Commercials. When we return, Black and Decker blather about the show's official site. You can vote for the top five moments in the show, which I guess are going to be replayed in the finale or something. Ryan begs us not to vote for the time where Simon made fun of his shirt. Nobody did, because nobody cares, because the show isn't about you. They remind us about the humongous whirlwind American Idol tour being planned, heading to cities like Phoenix and Tampa and…actually, that's it. Two weeks after announcing the tour, they've still only got two stops secured. Geniuses.
up is Kelly (Eeeeeee!) again, performing "I Surrender." Apparently this is on Celine Dion's latest album, so I'm guessing it's a cover if it's supposed to fit the '80s /'90s theme, but I can't seem to track down the original. There are about forty songs out there titled "I Surrender," and I gave up after listening to something awful from the Bee Gees. Or, since the rules for the show are about as malleable as Silly Putty, they just let her sing it anyway.
Kelly (Eeeeeee!) has changed into an elegant cocktail dress -- black, of course. Whether or not Celine is the original singer of "I Surrender," Kelly (Eeeeeee!) has definitely modeled her performance on hers anyhow. She wails the song and holds out notes forever. The sore throat affects her performance as well, but it's harder to notice on Kelly (Eeeeeee!) than on Tamyra because Kelly's already got a fairly husky voice. But when she holds out the word "surrender" (for about five seconds, it sounds like), there's a brief moment where it sounded like her voice was about to give entirely and render her mute. She also looks rather terrified for some reason, like she knows that there's a chance her throat is going to explode mid-performance. But it doesn't, and she pulls the song off. The audience goes nuts as a woman runs up to the stage and gives Kelly (Eeeeeee!) an adorable little teddy bear dressed like a cowboy. Awww. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) mouths to the audience that the woman is her best friend.
Needless to say, the judges love her, too. Randy "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly"s another comparison to Whitney, Mariah, Celine, blah blah blah. He says she sang the hell out of that song. And her voice box, probably. Paula spins around in her chair and gives Kelly (Eeeeeee!) another one of her "touchdowns." Sigh. Simon mocks Paula over the cheerleader thing again and agrees with Randy's assessment. Then he points out to the audience that the kids' voices have been stressed all week, and that he thinks it's amazing she can sing or speak at all. Maybe now she'll listen to Debra's advice about taking care of her voice.
Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker, who bring up Kelly's throat issues again. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) points out that it's not just her; Tamyra is having problems as well. Then she goes out of her way to point out how awesome Nikki's performances were tonight. Aw, she's so sweeeeet. Doncha just love her! Admit it -- you do! Don't make me have to put you in a headlock. Then she explains that the bear came from her best friend, Jessica, who was the one who signed her up for the competition in the first place. See, my friends would have signed me up for American Idol to try to embarrass me. Black and Decker give the blah blah blah votecakes.
Now it's time for the [product-placed cola] moment, which for once actually has something to contribute to the show. Black and Decker explain that all four of the remaining finalists went into the studio to record the single that the winner will eventually release. Justin arrives at Sunset Sound and tells us that it's "really cool" to record in a studio. Thanks so much for that amazing piece of information. Suddenly, I'm watching Making the Band again. Kelly (Eeeeeee!), in pigtails and a plaid beach hat, explains that people like Sheryl Crow, Prince, and Elton John have recorded in this studio. If that's the case, you'd think they'd have enough money to get a sign that doesn't look like it belongs in front of a mini-golf/go-kart track amusement center. Nikki says she enjoys putting her own stamp on a song that has never been performed by anybody before. Tamyra says, "It's a dream. And so are the lyrics." There are clips of each of the kids recording, and based on what little I can hear of the song, it's more saccharine than a sugar plantation. Blech.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Justin's final performance. He has chosen Michael Jackson's "PYT," which stands for "Pretty Young Thing." Michael originally dedicated the song to Emmanuel Lewis. Just kidding. I think. I'd really rather not consider the possibility. Let's move on.
Justin heads out to the stage in a brown sleeveless shirt and matching corduroys. Oh dear. Well, first of all, Justin's voice is too low for the song. And then there's the dancing. He spreads his legs wide, bends his knees, and has his feet facing opposite directions, like he's riding a horse. I actually shouted, "That Mayor Quimby! He doesn't know whether he's coming! Or going!" And if you don't get the reference, watch the episode where Sideshow Bob runs for mayor. It's the exact same pose. He bobs his head around, flails those long legs around, and monotones his way through the song. Mute it, and it's like watching Pinocchio sing "I've Got No Strings." I swear, he even does The Charleston during part of the instrumental bridge. It's goofy, and not a good kind of goofy, like when your best friend dresses up in drag for Halloween. It's the kind of goofy where your mother dresses up like a clown and does shtick for the community talent show and all your friends get to see it. It's embarrassing and you just want to hide under a rock until it's over. A cringe-inducing performance.
But the crowd, of course, loves it. Some guy brings his kid up to the stage on his shoulders to give Justin a high five. Randy says that it was ambitious to take on Michael Jackson, but he doesn't think it was his favorite "Michael performance." Paula takes her face out of Justin's crotch long enough to whine that it wasn't a "Michael performance," it was a "Justin performance," and she loved seeing him shake his "groove thing." In her face, no doubt. Justin could vomit in Paula's lap and she would cry tears of gratitude. Simon says that it was a good thing Justin sang his first song so well, because this performance was "just a bad impersonation of Michael Jackson." Honestly, the dancing was nothing at all like anything Michael Jackson would do, so whatever. I have doubts that Simon ever really paid much attention to the King of Pop in his heyday. Granted, the dancing wasn't any good, but it definitely wasn't Michael. The audience boos Simon, who smirks and drinks in all the attention. Seriously, Simon is as big an attention whore as Ryan or any of the contestants. He's just wittier about it.
Justin heads up to Black and Decker, but then Paula remembers that she has note cards with insults on them. Yay! She interrupts to tell us all that "Simon would critique a suicide note." Uck. Simon busts Paula by pointing out to everybody that she had to hire somebody to write her jokes for her, and suggests that Paula sue that somebody. Yeah, not only is that insult stupid and nonsensical, but I know that I've heard it before. Lame. So very lame. The judges start bickering. Randy takes great pains to point out that he agrees with Simon on the second performance. Shut up, all of you. Black and Decker bring up Randy's comments from last week, namely that Justin didn't pick a song that challenged him vocally, and ask whether Justin considered that when he was choosing songs. Justin says that he did. Hi, did any of you hear this last performance? It had four whole notes in it. Justin says that he chose "PYT" to show off his "energy," and "Get Here" because he really "feels" the song. Ryan blathers on about Justin's limber legs, as if he doesn't throw his ankles up over his shoulders every night. Blah blah blah votecakes. After clips of the performers singing at their dress rehearsals, Black and Decker urge us all to vote, vote, vote! And apparently, you did. Damn you. Sorry.
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer: "Tonight, one of these four finalists will sealed in a safe and tossed into the La Brea Tar Pits."
Credits. Once again Black and Decker enter through the audience. They still haven't figured out that lighting problem, so don't stare directly at the screen. Well, it's not a good idea to stare directly at the screen when Brian's on anyway. Brian says, "Ba ba booey," for some reason. Howard Stern says, "Dude, just because we're both obsessed with boobies doesn't mean you're cool enough to be on our show. Zip it, creepy dude." Ryan leans over and kisses some zaftig woman in the audience directly on the lips. I bet it's his mom. They introduce themselves and the show and the usual blah blah blah. They make their way up toward the stage in order to introduce the judges. Ryan calls Randy his "main man." He's trying to win Simon back by making him jealous. Ryan introduces Paula as his "ideal woman." To go shopping and tanning and talk about cute boys with, no doubt. He introduces Simon by saying that he's his "father." No, see, they prefer the term "Daddy." Brian can explain it to you. Ryan extends it to this lame-o comparison of Simon as Darth Vader and blah blah thump! Be more funny!
Black and Decker inform us that they received more than fifteen million votes last night as they show the four finalists sitting on their little couch. They're all dressed pretty casually. The clip show from last night features Ryan acting like a chimpanzee, Simon praising Nikki, Simon criticizing Justin, Paula's stupid insult, and Simon's comeback. And then there's some other business, but it's not really important, so let's just fast-forward through all that and pay it no mind.
Commercials. Why do…what? Oh no, really, nothing happened for those few minutes. Believe me, it isn't worth even mentioning. No really. It's not important. It was just a little…look, just trust me. It wasn't important. At all. Okay, fine. The kids did a little medley. It doesn't really matter which songs they were, does it? It was just some singing. Nothing to discuss. What about this Taco Bell ad? Isn't it just the stupidest? Okay, fine, it was a medley of Paula Abdul hits. Are you happy? Can we talk about this eye shadow commercial now? What? Why would you want a recap of the medley? It was a medley of Paula Abdul songs. Don't you have any self-respect? Better yet, don't you have any respect for me? I'm kind of in a good place right now, and I'd rather not…okay, okay. Fine, I'll recap it. But when it puts me over the edge and I start banning every third poster on the boards, you'll have only yourself to blame.
So "Straight Up" starts playing, and the kids skip out to the stage. The girls take turns singing the verses. Paula smiles and dances in her seat to her own songs. They sound awful, though I'm sure I probably didn't have to tell you that. They switch to "Opposites Attract," with Justin playing the role of the cartoon cat. That's definitely a role he was born to play. The audience screams about something, but we don't know what's going on, because the camera's on Paula. The kids dance badly. They sing badly. They're having fun. They laugh at my pain. It's karmic revenge for every mean thing I've said about them in these recaps. The girls sing "Cold-Hearted," while Paula points to Simon throughout the song. They switch to "The Way That You Love Me." Justin drags Paula up onstage, and I start loading my gun. She dances around, but when they try to hand her a microphone, she refuses and rush, rushes back offstage, preventing me from having an Elvis moment. Finally, blessedly, it ends, as limply as it began. Are you happy now? Did you enjoy my suffering? After all I've done, you put me through this? I'm going to have to spend the commercial break cleaning out my ear canals with sulfuric acid.
Blessed, beautiful commercials. I love you, Cover Girl. Oooh, sexy Gap dancer guy. The ass-shaking made me nearly forget the medley entirely. Marry me, colored contact lens girl. Jessica Alba is a breath of fresh air. Aaaaah, Adam Baldwin. It's gone. The performance is gone. Phew.
When we return, it's time to pad like there's no tomorrow. Ryan reminds us all that the show is going to be over in two weeks. He admits that he's even going to miss Simon when it's over. Awwww. But goodbye sex is the hottest sex. What Ryan will miss most, however, is knowing that fifteen million people are hanging on his every word every week. This is all the segue to tonight's [product-placed car] skit, featuring Ryan and his desperate, boundless fame-whoring. He shows up at the mansion with a car full of pizza to try to worm his way into the finalists' good graces. Well, if it doesn't work, he can always use the clip as a screen test for his gay porn career. He knocks on the door; Kelly (Eeeeeee!) and Nikki greet him. Blah blah blah, the kids take the pizza, then close the door in Ryan's face. Then a couple of seconds later, Nikki runs back out to apologize for being rude and to give him a dollar tip. Ryan blathers on to her about having nothing to do, in an attempt to get invited in; instead of taking the "hint," Nikki asks him to wash all their [product-placed cars]. Ryan does, because he's such a submissive bottom. Don't get too close to the engine, Ryan. Didn't you see those recall reports? That must be why they're sponsoring this show; its target demographic isn't exactly known for paying attention to Consumer Reports or anything. Nikki and Kelly (Eeeeeee!) watch him and debate letting him in, but decide against it. Good for them.
Back at The Octagon, it's time to start revealing the bottom two. Kelly is safe, to nobody's surprise. Actually, Kelly (Eeeeeee!) looks gobsmacked. She really thought she did poorly. Nikki got tons of praise, but is still heading back to the bottom two. The only round that poor Nikki has not been in the bottom group was on '60s night. And before we find out whether it's Justin or Tamyra who will join her, there's the requisite commercial break.
When we return, Black and Decker repeat the judges' comments for Justin and Tamyra, before revealing that the second person to join Nikki on The Octagon of Judgment is Tamyra. I really, really thought it would be Justin. Tamyra doesn't seem at all shocked and does a Ryan Starr-like skip across the stage to join Nikki, who is practically crying already. And now, commercials. Seriously, there was less than two minutes of show between the two commercial breaks.
When we return, it's time to reveal the ejectee. I swear, I was certain that this would be Nikki's last show. But it's not. Tamyra is eliminated. It was her first journey to the bottom of the barrel, and out she goes. Tamyra handles it very gracefully, though the audience starts booing loudly. Paula and Nikki are both devastated. Simon looks like he's turned to stone. Tamyra, of course, realizes that this isn't really the end of anything as far as her future is concerned. Eventually everybody, including the judges, gives Tamyra a big standing ovation. In her final comments, Tamyra thanks everybody for this "amazing journey" and for their support. Black and Decker ask Tamyra if she was surprised, but she says she wasn't.
In Tamyra's final clip show, we see the early audition clips (I miss the afro puff!) of her bouncing off the walls with energy and sliding down a banister. She was the first person voted into the final ten. She sings in front of her choir. She plays with Treven. She jumps in the pool. She says it was a learning experience. "Afflicted with muscular dystrophy" music plays in the background.
We return for final comments from the judges. Randy "Tamyra, Tamyra, Tamyra"s that Tamyra is a superstar and that he's disappointed in the voting for the first time. He says he's sure Tamyra will go much further than this show, and offers to do anything he can to make it happen for her. Paula still can't find her way to a music-related metaphor and says that seeing Tamyra getting voted out is like "seeing Muhammad Ali getting knocked down for the first time." She concludes that just as Ali got back up, so will Tamyra, and she'll go on to "conquer show business." Simon takes a moment to address the other three and inform them that none of them is safe now, because the criteria by which the public is voting for them has changed from the days when they were competing against awful singers like Jim and A.J. He says that they have to respect the public vote, even though he thinks they got it wrong. He repeats that Tamyra is world-class and tells her to "Watch this space," which is an advertising term, like "Stay tuned for an important announcement." Then he gives her a little wink.
Black and Decker ask Tamyra to sing them all out as the other three kids slowly join her up on The Octagon. Fortunately, since there was no bickering tonight, Tamyra actually gets to sing for quite a bit before the show ends, on a rather melancholy note.
week: Apparently the judges get to pick one of the songs the kids have to sing, so we can look forward to Nikki's performance of "I'm A Little Teapot." I still wouldn't count her out, though.