Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Act Your Age, Not Your...On Second Thought, Don't Act Your Age
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.15.2007
Meet Troy Benham, who's dressed in a suit and tie, stupid hat, purple-tinted glasses, ratty mustache, and an even rattier beard. "The new style," he informs us, "is Urban Amish." I don't think he ever comes out and says he is Amish, though he does try and sell us a bill of goods, lying about how he doesn't own a TV and has never seen the show and couldn't pick Simon Cowell out of a police line-up and so forth. But his horse and buggy apparently has an AM/FM radio, because Google tells me the song he's singing was penned by one of those jokey drive-time radio low-rent Opie and Anthony knock-offs. So he's a big faker and (conjecture) probably an employee of that radio show and I'd try to research that one, but I truly don't care, so...next?
A Carrie wannabe, a Kat McPhee wannabe, and a Constantine wannabe (with Bo hair, it should be pointed out) are all supposed to lead up to Jesse Holloway. Now, if this were a show that made sense, Jesse would be the ultimate wannabe, but he's...not. He just sucks. He says he can "hit some notes that Mariah Carey can't hit." Sorry, Jesse, "sobriety" and "classiness" aren't going to do you much good when you butcher "My Heart Will Go On" like you're doing. Jesse asks for a moment, steps out to get himself a glass of water, returns, and picks up right where he left off. Which is objectively funny, so now the judges are laughing at him. Paula is having some difficulty keeping her head up at this point, clearly suffering from the ill effects of Parkinson's. Parkinson's is a brand of gin, right? On the bright side, she's far less of an obstructionist in this state, so I say keep 'em coming, bartender. Jesse tries a Michael Jackson song next, but come on. Jesse tries to blame it on his nerves. Jewel looks weirded out by all of this, but she does tell him that being a professional musician means being ready to "throw down" at a moment's notice. Simon says he's butchered three songs now, and as Jesse quietly starts some song that starts with "We..." Simon amends that to "four." Jesse starts to get mad, and is dismissed. ("...Other door.") Outside, he continues his ranting with the usual: Simon's disrespectful and not a singer (neither is Jesse, but...), Paula hasn't had a hit since Clive Davis was in short pants (sing it, Rhonetta!), and Randy...oh, this one's new -- Randy needs to "wipe off all the damn makeup he's got on his face." Hee. I'll give Jesse that one. His conclusion: "They all need to be fired." Dude, if they haven't fired Paula yet? After her milestone 3,000th drunken breakdown on a local newscast? Lotsa luck, pal.
After the commercials, Ryan welcomes us back to Minneapolis with assurances that, seeing as it's Idol's first time in the city, they're sure to have a "fresh batch of raw talent." Which, of course, means some goofball dressed up like Apollo Creed, complete with boxing gloves. The only bright side to this whole segment is James Brown's "Living in America" being played in the background. ["I cheered myself up by imagining Carl Weathers as a guest judge." -- Sars] "Simon, I'm coming for you," assures Apollo. "I've got a surprise for you when I get there." "A man in a robe just said that," Ryan bursts out, emerging from off-camera all "you rang?" because someone just said something about Simon that could be twisted into gay innuendo. He's the gay Beetlejuice, really. Inside, Apollo wants to make it clear that he's a walking metaphor for "knocking out the competition." Oh! Okay, then. He'd also like to dedicate this to his nieces and nephews in foster care. How about heading down to family court and metaphorically knocking out some of the bureaucracy in the foster system, maybe? No, he'd rather sing opera poorly. Paula raises her hand to politely ask if Apollo can sing something that "represents how you look." So, "Eye of the Tiger"? Jewel, a hundred times more articulate, funny, and pretty than Paula, says, "That song is kickin' your butt." Apollo asks if he should try again with the same song. "No!" they all say in unison, and you catch a brief moment of Jewel and Paula turning to each other all "jinx!" That was cute. Apollo's second attempt is cut off by Simon, who's unable to get past the costume, not that I can blame him. "No" votes across the board. ("...Other door.")