Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Act Your Age, Not Your...On Second Thought, Don't Act Your Age
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.15.2007
Inside, we get our first glimpse of what she's wearing. And what she's wearing appears to be jeans with a flowy white curtain sewn onto them at about mid-thigh. She looks like one of those cars that's been in an accident and had to replace its driver-side door with a different-colored door from another car. She's very giggly and smiley and upfront about how she doesn't want to be Jewel, she's just inspired by her. She then proceeds to try to sing "You Were Meant For Me" in classic Jewel style, which means "with her voice going all over the map and sounding scary." Jewel gets this look on her face like, "I don't really sound like that, do I?" (Answer: kinda.) You can almost see how Jessica has deluded herself into thinking she's a good singer, and those are the ones I always feel bad for, because those are the ones who are gonna get hurt. Randy asks Jewel if Jessica sounded like her, but Jewel says she doesn't want to talk right now. The consensus is that Jessica sounded like Jessica, which translates to four "no" votes. "Are you kidding me?" Jessica asks, and she quickly resorts to begging. And crying. The judges keep trying to let her down relatively easy, which leads to Randy telling her there are other things in this world to be good at besides singing. "And the good news," says Simon, is that she's found out today that she's not going to become a singer, "so you can just move on." It sounds bitchy, but it's actually the nicest thing Simon will ever say to anyone. Jessica sadly gathers herself up to leave, walks up to the double doors, and opts for the one on the left, which is locked. "Other door," Simon says, flatly. Okay...
In Praise of "Other Door": Thank you, Jesus, Buddha, Goddess, and Xenu, for the sublime gloriousness of "other door." Thank you for the Idol producer who had the genius idea to lock one of the two audition room doors, ensuring a 50% chance of a deluded wannabe actually physically running up against a locked door. I will break the yolks and make the smiley face for you, dude. Thank you, Simon Cowell, for your note-perfect line reading of "other door," consistently deadpan each and every time. I'm so glad this is the theme this year, instead of "making fun of the genderly confused." Though I'm kind of knocking on wood that that doesn't resurface. Anyway, thank you, Other Door. Long may you refuse to budge.
Outside, Jennifer Rhode breaks down into big, heaping, sobby tears. Her awful family, who steadfastly refused to prepare her for the reality that she's not a good singer and would be eaten alive by a show like this, hug and comfort her and generally get to look like nice, supportive people instead of the lazy jackals they are. I mean, support and encourage your kids, absolutely, but you have to stop short of leading them to the slaughter. Manage their expectations, at the very least. Come on. I know Little Miss Sunshine taught us otherwise, but here's the thing: your kid is not as cute as Abigail Breslin and cannot pull off "Superfreak." Keep that one in mind, America, as we head to commercial.