Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Act Your Age, Not Your...On Second Thought, Don't Act Your Age
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.15.2007
Ryan Seacrest steps dangerously close to the Pun Generator as he describes the slim pickings of Minneapolis as the "Midwest turn[ing] into the Mid-worst." We should all take a minute and be thankful that Ryan Seacrest was born without a sense of shame. So, we should hope, was this next unibrowed young lady who warbles "Fever" all over the place. This put Simon in a "bad mood," which brings us to Trista Giese, who is guaranteed to put him in a worse mood. Trista can "sing" like the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. No fooling. Ryan tries to pretend like he's delighted as she repeatedly does that feline vibrato thing that the Lion did first and the illustrious Chewbacca perfected. Inside, she performs "If I Were King of the Forest" with as much scary Lion affectation as you could possibly muster. Randy is cracking up, Jewel is frozen in terror, Paula can't look (or is busy spiking her product-placed beverage), and Simon keeps staring at Trista like he's trying to categorize her into a phylum. "What am I supposed to say?" he asks her. Trista says that she's "unique," in a way that holds an unspoken "you have to give me that." Look, Trista's here to be goofy and get on TV, she knows that she's not in this to win this, so nobody's at risk. This is foolishness you can feel good about. (In other words: Don't email me, Rosie O'Donnell.) Simon pronounces it among the "strangest" auditions he's ever heard (which was the point, so: go Trista!), and the judges shoot her down. Trista asks if they want to keep her posterboard, but Simon and Randy both say no. Jewel busts out at this and says, "Oh God, you guys are cold." This whole day is kind of hurting Jewel's soul, and I feel her on that. Bye, Trista. ("...Other door.")
Next, Ryan's outside talking to the looming, lanky frame of Stephen Horst. Which means Stephen's, what, six-one, if he's towering over Ryan like that? I always have to recalibrate the universe whenever Ryan's around. If we're going by outward attractiveness, Stephen should be a good audition. He's also a vocal coach, which could end up being his hook. He's kind of dorky-aggressive with Ryan, and when he's inside, we suddenly see why. Because Stephen's a musical theatre guy. And I love musical theatre guys, but once I heard that voice coming out of his mouth, I knew he was toast, because Simon hates musical theatre guys. He's singing "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing," for starters, and he's singing it like Liv Tyler's right there in front of him instead of a cartoonishly horrified Randy Jackson. The high notes are scary and unnecessary, as are the bedroom eyes, but in general, it does seem like the judges are harsher than what's warranted when they're like, "Yeah, next." Stephen mentions that he used to work at Disney World, earning him a scoff from Randy, which Simon pounces on as "a bit rude." We've seen this one before: Simon pretending that Randy's gone beyond the pale and trying to instigate a fight. Randy actually gets all het up about it, nearly calling for a class-action lawsuit on behalf of all Stephen's former pupils. Why they couldn't have just said, "Your voice is too musical theatre for this kind of competition," I'll never know. Oh, look -- that's exactly what Jewel says (not that it isn't lost amid the drama), because she's the awesome one this week. Anyway, Simon throws in a lot of "You gonna take that?" to Stephen before it's all over with. Stephen gets the last laugh, however, and exits via the correct door. If by "last laugh," you mean "gets out of the room with his last scrap of dignity intact."
A "fresh-faced" Michelle Steingas will hopefully wash that unpleasant taste from our mouths. Which would be appropriate, seeing as she looks like she could be in a toothpaste commercial. Very blonde, very cute, very bubbly, very nineteen. She's also very country, evidenced by the Deana Carter song she sings. She's...not all that great, really. Jewel uses all the brain cells she's not currently using to think up bad poetry to surmise that Michelle likes country music. Nice scoop there, ace reporter. "I thought it was pretty good," Jewel continues, then turns to Randy: "Did you hate it?" Hee. Loved that. Oh! Here's where it is! Okay, so Michelle's going to Hollywood, she's blonde and cute and country, that was a given. That's not the interesting part right here. Because right now, Paula Abdul is straight-up asleep. Like my grandfather sitting in his chair, eyes closed, with his mouth open. I guess we can add narcolepsy to the list of fake diseases Paula doesn't have which somehow explain her drunk-ass behavior. Asleep! Unfortunately, she's awake a few seconds later, but thanks to Couch Baron, I caught it. All that Veronica Mars sleuthing must be rubbing off on him.