Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Act Your Age, Not Your...On Second Thought, Don't Act Your Age
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.15.2007
Michelle emerges with her golden ticket and does a little happy dance. She tells the cameras that she "so stoked" for this opportunity and then sing-songs, "I can quit my jooooob!" She's cute. This is as good a segue as any into our Montage O' Dumbasses Who Quit Their Jobs and Got Rejected. Note that Michelle waited until after she made it to Hollywood to quit her job. Country don't mean stupid. But still, some dork in a hippie cowboy hat (if you can somehow wrestle your brain into picturing that), an Eva Mendes look-alike, someone who looks like that sweaty guy from the Coolio "Gangsta's Paradise" video, and a handful of others all claim they lost their jobs so they could audition for Idol. Geniuses. This leads us to Dana Dooley, 27, who didn't lose her job, because her boss was nice enough to fly her out to Minnesota, from California, on his dime. Dana doesn't seem crazy, but she tells us she auditioned in Pasadena and got rejected, so she's at least pretty delusional. Anyway, her boss listens to her sing around the office and thinks she's really good, and since he and his wife (hmm...) were flying out to Minnesota for a wedding anyway, they figured they'd fly Dana and her sister out with them so she could audition. Sketchy! Salacious! 1960s sexy secretary stereotype-rageous! Dana really doesn't seem sketchy at all, though, so it's harder to take this innuendo-mongering seriously. She even has Boss Man and Wife stand up and be acknowledged for the cameras. I don't know, maybe I'm losing my mojo and can't cast adulterous aspersions on other people like I used to. Could it be we were all so simple then?
Anyway, Dana enters the audition chamber with a very short dress that shows a lot of leg. This kind of comes into play later, or else I wouldn't mention it. The judges, as always, have been pre-briefed, and so Paula slurs, "Why did your boss fly you out to this audition?" "He thinks I'm special," Dana cutes. Simon immediately picks up on a potential hook and is like, "I'm sure he does." And then it becomes one of those seventh-grade double entendre festivals where everything you say gets interpreted dirty. Particularly when you open with "I'm his secretary." "Ran out of rooms," Simon play-acts, "so we all gotta share!" Jewel is once again the voice of reason, chiding Simon and Randy with a "You guys!" It's actually kind of funny. So Dana sings Chaka Khan's "Tell Me Something Good," and is really, really awful. Just utterly tone-deaf. But again, you could see how this person and her network of friends could fool themselves into thinking she's good, particularly when she lets out a Mariah-esque squeal. But really, she's crap. Simon and Randy conclude that Minnesota is "rubbing off" on Dana, and not in a good way. Except...presumably she sucked in Pasadena too, right? Jewel says she was pulling for Dana, but... Dana wants to know what was wrong, and Randy sums it up by saying it was "all outta tune, not one note, not even the melody...that song doesn't even go like that." Word salad aside: true. Simon asks Dana to bring her boss, Gary, into the room. This should go well. They're both subjected to some fairly embarrassing "Seriously, are y'all fucking?" innuendo, which is pretty objectionable, until they ask Dana to sing like she sings around the office. Next thing we know, Dana is singing "Fever" to Gary, she staring longingly into his eyes, he trying valiantly not to run his eyes up her legs, and both generally making everyone feel like we're in the middle of a movie where Mrs. Gary's gonna end up on her front stoop with a gunshot wound to her face. Unfortunately, I'm about 90% sure the show producers instructed Gary and Dana to turn and face each other, which kind of kills the moment, for me. Even though Dana really is doing something with her eyes here. They're dismissed -- nice people, I think; hopefully no one ends up in a coma or run over with a car -- and the judges gossip some more. "I think she is in love with him," Simon says, almost interested in the lives of other people. That's a first.