Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A World Of Hurt
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 2 | Aired on 07.13.1997
I'd now like to interject that I just came back from the doctor, and he's convinced that I don't have appendicitis. Rather, I have a viral infection that's causing an inflammation of my abdominal glands. So, I'm still feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach by a pack of mules, but I don't need surgery. Hooray!
Couch Baron's Abdominal Glands: Hee hee! We had him thinking he had appendicitis!
Couch Baron's Appendix: I know. What a maroon! Although I'm tempted to rupture myself now, just for the irony.
Couch Baron: Fuck all of you, you fucking fucks.
Fucking insides. I'd stab myself repeatedly, if it wouldn't, you know, kill me. I'm making progress on the "fuck" count, though. On top of everything, I have to endure Hill telling me that God's greatest creation is pussy. Hill, you don't know dick. Anyway, perhaps at long last to make up for the amount of pain I've endured so far today, I finally get to recap Alvarez. Yay! Ryan may be my favorite character, but Alvarez is a close second. If those two ever got together onscreen, I think my brain would have completely short-circuited. Whoa. Our boy is looking out the hospital wing window. He flashes back to The Quickest Shanking In History, then hears his name called. It's Mukada, who introduces himself. Mukada exposits that Alvarez's girlfriend is at Parker Women's Prison, and she's about to have his baby. I wince at knowing how this plotline ends, but I've had enough pain for one day, so I'm not going to think about it. Mukada says he can arrange for Alvarez to be there for the birth, but Alvarez turns him down. Mukada says he'll probably be paroled in two years, not yet realizing what a good little actor Kirk Acevedo is, and that he'll want to be a father to his child. Alvarez points out a man working in the hospital wing and says it's his father, and adds that his grandfather is also in Oz. Mukada's all, boo hoo, but you still created the new life, and I'm going to make sure you take responsibility for it. Go, Father Ray.
Glynn's office. He tells Mukada that he's just signed the papers transferring Alvarez to Em City, like, didn't McManus request him in the first episode? Mukada sighs that Alvarez is a classic example of the failure of the prison system, and, after giving us a quick recap of everything we already know about Alvarez, suggests he talk to his kin in Oz. Glynn says that the grandfather, Ricardo, is in solitary, and it'll be tough to converse with the father, Eduardo. Mukada asks if he's belligerent. Glynn: "He has no tongue." Ladies and gentlemen, Leo Glynn! He'll be here all series! Er, almost.