Episode Report Card Demian: A | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.22.2003
Let's see, where was I? Oh, yeah: LesBianca orders them to place the remaining vanquishing vials on the floor. Big Chris shouts that if LesBianca promises to leave his mother alone, he'll willingly enter the portal. He also babbles something about not having a future to return to, should LesBianca kill Piper now. "What are you talking about?" Phoebe exasperates. "You'll see if you live long enough," LesBianca spits before slowly withdrawing the dagger from Piper's neck. She takes Big Chris by the hand and leads him towards the chalk triquatra. Piper tries to freeze the two, but the freeze doesn't take. "Um, okay," Piper splutters, "I get why she didn't freeze, but why didn't he freeze?" "Uhn-un-unless he's a-a-a," Phoebe stutters. "A witch, too?" Big Chris casually finishes before finally admitting that he's "part witch, part Whitelighter," just like Raige. Piper squints, Phoebe gapes, and Raige makes this tremendous and hysterical stink-face like she's suddenly found herself floating in one of those industrial ponds of pig shit. "You lied to us!" Raige howls. Big Chris claims he had to in order to gain their trust. Phoebe shrills something before Piper jumps all over him with, "You're just gonna leave?" "I don't have a choice," he shrugs, noting that LesBianca's completely fisted him of his powers. Piper dejectedly averts her eyes as Big Chris rather too-obviously adds, "Looks like [the Dolt's] gonna have to fix that floorboard without me." Piper lifts her eyes to search his for the meaning of that, but Chris just rolls his shoulders around again and, turning to LesBianca, says, "Let's go." She gestures with her left hand to open the portal, and the two pass through, with Big Chris gazing longingly at the family he's leaving behind.
LesBianca and Big Gay Chris emerge through the attic triquatra in the future to find themselves surrounded by a horde of "His" demonic henchmen. From the darkened depths of the attic, a male voice calls, "Welcome home, Chris." The henchdemons part to reveal the backlit form of a muscle-bound lunkhead who's sporting a long, straggly mane of hair that's desperately in need of a hot oil treatment. Mangy Jesus emerges from the shadows of the attic to glower. Chris coldly meets the glowering with a bit of his own before icily intoning, "Hello, Wyatt." DUN! Well, sort of. I mean, who didn't see that one coming? Also: Both of you boys need to cut your damn hair already. What's with that shit on your heads? And then Mangy Jesus stretched his arm into the oncoming void and said, "Let there be commercials," and there were commercials. And lo, Mangy Jesus did gaze upon the commercials and say, "For fuck's sake, would you hurry up and finish this Me-forsaken recap already? Some of Us have better things to do with Our time than sit here and plow through your tedious, incessant, senseless rambling, loser."