Episode Report Card Demian: A | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.22.2003
Firehouse. The camera pans down a row of bunker coats and chainsaws before skittering over to the rig, where it leaps into the air to reveal Piper and Fireman Greg atop the truck, apparently naked under a blue blanket, engaged in a particularly noisy liplock. Blah blah foreplay-cakes until the Dolt orbs in off-screen. Piper glances over at him, shrieks, and instantly freezes Fireman Greg where he lies. Piper then jumps to her feet to scream at her ex-husband for stalking her, all the while frantically clutching the blanket around her unclothed body. The Dolt allows her to go on in this vein for far too long before he tosses a potion vial at her feet. Some sort of bluish deactivation mojo races up her body, and when she snaps out of LesBianca's spell, Piper's horrified to find herself nearly naked in the presence of Mr. Hilton Cooties and the ex. The Dolt brings her up to speed on recent events, and suggests they head off to collect Phoebe and Raige. Piper glances down at her blanket-clad body and splutters, "You need to turn around, 'cause, uh, you don't get to see anymore." The Dolt chuckles fondly and complies. Cram it, dipshit.
Castle Montanague. Raige and Slampiece Buttfuck maul each other upon the canopied bed until the Dolt orbs in with Piper to smack Raige up with some deactivation mojo. "No time to explain," Piper blurts. "We gotta get Phoebe, or we're never gonna get Chris." Piper flings a brassiere at her half-sister's head. Raige squeals all, "Hel-lo! Genetic aversion to proper foundation garments! Didn't you get the memo?"
Meanwhile, LesBianca's squiggled Big Gay Chris out of the commercial break and over to her mother's apartment, where she finishes fisting him of his powers. Once he comes to, they snipe at each other until she sullenly snatches up a piece of chalk to trace the outline of a triquatra all over her mother's wall. So much for Carol's security deposit. Big Chris reminds everyone that the spell responsible for depositing him in the present is "a one-way door" that grants its reciter the power to travel backwards in time, and nothing else. How does LesBianca intend to lug Big Chris back to 2026? "He created a new spell because of you," she snits without taking her eyes from the symbol she's drawing. "It goes both ways." So does Big Gay Chris, apparently. Thank you and goodnight! Be sure to try the salmon -- it's delicious! "I'm touched," Big Chris bitches. "You should be," LesBianca sneers before laying it on the line: The only way Big Chris gets to live is if she fists him of his powers and drags him back to the future herself. Otherwise, "He" will keep sending assassins back, and all one of those guys will have to produce is Chris's big gay corpse. "Doesn't matter," Chris snots, flipping the Cracker Jack engagement ring onto the coffee table. "There's nothing left in the future anyway." He slouches back on the couch to pout. Oh, yeah. I know that look. LesBianca glares at him silently, then clomps back to her chalk outline on the wall.
Flash to the future, where LesBianca's just finishing the chalk triquatra in the attic. She tosses the chalk to one side and announces, "It's time." Chris gets cold feet at the last minute, so LesBianca slides the cheap engagement ring off her finger and places it in the palm of his hand. "This will remind you of why we're doing this," she whispers, closing his fingers over the thing. They hug and bump foreheads. Big Chris crosses to the Book's stand, removes a slip of paper from his pocket, and recites the following: