Episode Report Card Demian: A | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.22.2003
Future attic. Mangy Jesus hurls Big Chris into a table, which collapses under his weight. Big Chris groans in pain as LesBianca screams, "You promised you wouldn't hurt him!" Mangy Jesus is all, "Whatever, beeyotch," so LesBianca hustles to kneel at Chris's side. Oh, wow. She's actually crying. "Please," she begs Big Chris, trying to stop him, "I didn't bring you here to die." "I know what I'm doing," he pants as Mangy Jesus creaks across The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance. Big Chris leaps to his feet and barrels towards Mangy Jesus, who pretty much sidesteps the charge, thereby flipping Big Chris into another table at the opposite end of the room. "Have you lost your mind?" Mangy Jesus seethes, gesturing with his right hand. Big Chris levitates upwards from the floor as Mangy Jesus continues, "I. Don't. Need you!" With that, Mangy Jesus conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death in his left hand and prepares to fling it at Chris, who by now is choking to death up in the rafters. LesBianca grimaces and flies into Mangy Jesus's back. Mangy Jesus howls in surprise, and Big Chris drops to the floor. "Whatever you're going to do, do it fast!" LesBianca urges, and the shot cuts to reveal that she's fisting Mangy Jesus from behind as she speaks. Chris scrambles across the floor, claws at The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance, and retrieves the dusty scroll to recite the following:
Powers of the witches rise
Come to me from across the skies
Return my magic, give me back
All that was taken from the attack.
Big Chris's body flashes blue and white just as LesBianca loses her hold on Mangy Jesus. He shoves her violently, and she flies back across the attic to impale herself on a shard of the table Chris had smashed through earlier. Chris screams and TKs Mangy Jesus up through the air to vanquish a lighting fixture bolted to the ceiling. Mangy Jesus crumples face-first to the floor, dazed.
The shot shifts to focus on LesBianca's agonized face, then tracks back a bit to reveal she's got about a foot of splintered wood jutting up through her stomach. When Big Chris arrives at her side, she assumes a brave smile and cryptically asks, "Haven't we been here before?" "Maybe we will be again," he replies in kind. The hell? Whatever. She passes the Cracker Jack engagement ring back to him, urging him to finish what they started. She spots Mangy Jesus struggling to rouse Himself and orders Big Chris to hurry, and to "take the spell so [Mangy Jesus] can't send anyone else back." Big Chris races to the Book, flipping it open to the earlier spell. As he completes the first line, Mangy Jesus conjures an FBOD and launches it at Big Chris's head. Big Chris ducks long enough to dodge the thing, then continues reading. The portal opens, and Big Chris snatches up the relevant page in one hand before leaping through the triquatra in the wall. The final FBOD flung by Mangy Jesus scorches the wood when the portal snaps back shut, and…
…Big Gay Chris flies through the same spot in the wall to reenter the present-day attic. "Nice spell," he smiles, rising to his feet. "But we just put it in there, like, two seconds ago," says the Feebs, still not getting time travel. The Dolt starts to pretend he knows how it works, but the Feebs cuts him short with, "I don't want to know. I already have a little headache." To match your little brain. "You have some serious explaining to do, young man!" Piper shouts with more than a hint of motherly disapproval in her tone. "I know," Big Chris gulps, darting his eyes from one Glamorous Lady to another. "I'm sorry I lied to you, but --" " No buts," Piper interrupts. "It's about time you tell us the truth. Now." Big Chris claims he can't, not because he doesn't want to, but because there's only so much he can tell them without the future being adversely affected. His original intent in traveling back through time was to exact a "surgical strike" in defense of The Doltine Psycho. He does not mention that nothing he's done since he arrived seems to have had any meaningful effect on future events. Hmmm. "What about Bianca?" Phoebe asks. "Bianca won't be a threat to anyone anymore," Big Chris sighs after a pause. "I'm sorry," Phoebe offers. "Me too," Chris whispers. He shrugs it off to wonder if they're okay with him hanging around the Manor for another twenty-five years. The ladies defer to the Dolt, who eventually and faux-grudgingly allows, "Absolutely." Toothy smiles all around until the Dolt chides, "The next time you're in trouble, you have to tell us. Trust goes both ways." Again, so does my husband, apparently, but now that his future fiancée's dead, I suppose I have nothing to worry about. Or do I? The Glamorous Ladies thoughtfully eye Big Gay Chris as he nods his head around and exits. I'm dragging him out for a haircut as soon as he gets home. That shag is beyond ridiculous at this point.