Episode Report Card Demian: A | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.22.2003
Present-day Manor attic. Aftermath. Phoebe flips fruitlessly through the Book for a spell that will take them into the future. "How did we do it five years ago?" Piper asks the ex. He reminds her that the ever-useless Elders were responsible for that particular jaunt across time. Wrong! Stupid Dolt. While the spells involved erased themselves after one use, the then-extant Glamorous Ladies were responsible for the trip to the future. Piper, not listening to me, instructs the now-Eldered Dolt to "make it happen." He can't, hon. See above. The Dolt wishes he could do more to help Big Gay Chris, but he just can't. "You're singing a different tune," Raige notes, only now realizing the Dolt's abandoned his Destroy Big Gay Chris At All Costs shtick from earlier in the season. "Despite all his secrets," the Dolt explains, "I still believe that he came back to protect [The Doltine Psycho], and that is enough for me to want to save him." "The question," Piper sighs, "is how." Rather fortuitously, the Dolt chooses this moment to bumble across The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance. Piper leaps to her feet to stare at the thing. The ladies bang their heads together and realize LesBianca must have transported Big Chris to the future attic, and his odd statement in Carol's apartment was really a sneaky signal for them to blah blah we get it. Just scribble down a goddamned spell and shove it into the floor already.
Future attic. Mangy Jesus strides across The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance to tower above not-so-Big Chris and the I'm-just-noticing-this-now tiny LesBianca. I have to admit that despite the hair, Mangy Jesus is kind of hot. Don't tell Chris I've got a jones for his brother, though. I'll never hear the end of it. Mangy Jesus orders the henchdemons to leave them alone. The henchdemons obediently squiggle out in groups of three, the better to save on the effects budget. "Et tu, Chris?" Mangy Jesus menaces, only He mispronounces it as "ay-two," so Mangy Jesus can now shut the fuck up. Big Chris insists he didn't travel backwards in time to betray Mangy Jesus, but rather to save Him "from whatever evil it was that turned" Him in the first place. "That's always been your problem," Mangy Jesus condescends as he stalks away from them across the room. "Stuck in the old good-versus-evil morass." "I'm so past that," He adds with a shake of his head. "It's all about power," He exposits. "That's why I keep this 'museum' intact -- to remind everyone the power from which I was born and that which I possess." "Too bad the rest of the city isn't faring as well as your little shrine here," Big Ballsy Chris snorts, advancing on him. "If anyone else tried what you tried," Mangy Jesus threatens, "I'd kill them on the spot. But you?" Mangy Jesus pauses for effect before magnanimously continuing, "I've forgiven Bianca, and I can forgive you too -- if you promise never to cross me again." Big Chris challenges him, so Mangy Jesus hoists a hand into the air and draws his fingers into claws. Big Chris clutches at his throat, gasping for air. He slowly drops to his knees, and once he reaches the floor, Mangy Jesus telekinetically bitch-slaps him across the room into a low cupboard.
Present attic. Raige scrawls something on a sheet of notebook paper. Phoebe, not getting the subtleties of time travel, hoots, "Hurry!" Raige passes the sheet to Phoebe, who rolls it into a scroll before passing it on to Piper. Once the Dolt's pried The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance from the floor, Piper tosses the scroll into the hole, and the Dolt -- also not getting the subtleties of time travel -- quickly slams the board back into place and covers it with the carpet.