Episode Report Card Cindy McLennan: D | 329 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Elegy for Our Lady of Perpetual Victimhood
By Cindy McLennan | Season 5 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.30.2014
Meanwhile back at the Mystic Grill...
Damon: Katherine deserves every bad thing ever.
Audience: Yeah she does, except for how we like her better than the rest of you.
Stefan: Without Elena, you're a dick. Start dealing instead of running.
Caroline: Okay, it's all about me now. Oh yeah, I spew something to explain why Bonnie and the Germ are missing, but do we really care?
Damon: No, we do not.
Stefan: Caroline agreed to help you get Elena back.
Damon: You once told me calling me "Satan" was an insult to Satan.
Caroline: Yeah, but I fucked Klaus.
Damon: I don't have to know that, do I?
Audience: No, but we do.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Elena's cell phone rings.
Katherine: Elena has the most needy baby-pants friends.
Bonnie and Jeremy: We're not even in this episode.
Katherine: Right?
Nadia: We need to find your body.
Katherine: Stefan, Stefan, Stefan.
Nadia: I'm sorry, did you mean to tell me something?
Katherine: Yes, Pudding Pop is having a party for Pudding Pup. I'll go and pretend to be Elena.
Nadia: Are you nuts?
Katherine: You have to ask?
Nadia: Do you know the answer to all those questions you asked Matt in the opening scene, even though within the episode, you haven't yet asked?
Recapper: I'm dizzy.
Meanwhile, we cut to the Mayoral Mansion.
Tyler: It's like my house.
Matt: And yet?
Tyler: Just invite in the right people, like the blonde I'd most like to shag.
Matt: Caroline?
Tyler: Just get the cups.
Meanwhile, back to the opening scene...
Katherine-as-Elena: Guess who?
Matt: I'll take the obvious fake-out for $200, Alex.
Meanwhile, back at Mossy Manse...
Enzo: I pretend to snooze on Damon's sofa.
Damon: Can Bonnie not figure out a de-invite spell?
Sponsors: More words.
Enzo: I love a good fire in which you don't burn me alive.
Damon: Yawn. Who's in the bag?
Enzo: My research. Let me show you it.
Damon: You want me to throw away 3 years of characterization to feed on the puny Whitmore kid?
Writers: That'd be us.
Meanwhile, at Matt's party for Ty...
Katherine-As-Elena: I make Matt invite "me' in, then compel him to move on.