Episode Report Card Cindy McLennan: D | 329 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Elegy for Our Lady of Perpetual Victimhood
By Cindy McLennan | Season 5 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.30.2014
Stefan: I drink.
Katherine-as-Elena: I watch.
Stefan: Where have you been? Caroline was...well, Caroline.
Katherine-as-Elena: Would you believe I've been processing?
Stefan: Damon made a mistake and wants you back.
Katherine-as-Elena: Isn't this weird for you?
Stefan: No. Why?
Katherine-as-Elena: Didn't it really suck for you when your best girl, Katherine, died?
Stefan: That old slag?
Katherine-as-Elena: So we should give her a funeral?
Stefan: I'll have what she's having.
Katherine-as-Elena: Where is she buried, totally so I can drop off flowers, and not so I can interfere.
Stefan: Damon put her where she was meant to be.
Katherine-as-Elena: BINGO!
Meanwhile, in the Mossy Manse parlor...
Enzo: I suggest a lot of stuff our recapper is too stuffy to follow.
Damon: Right? And I'm all like what?
Enzo: Have you gone soft?
Damon: Have you met Viagra? Oh, my phone is ringing.
Caroline's phone: *Ring*
Caroline: Deal with your shit and get to Tyler's. Elena is here.
Aaron: I'm awake!
Enzo: Should you kill him, or should I?
Damon: I snap Enzo's neck, because I hate deadlines.
Recapper: Wait. Is that a thing?
Editors: *Cower*
Aaron: Hey, I'm still right here. That was Enzo's neck.
Damon: Yeah. Oops. Well. I'm taking your watch and compelling you to go back to school, pack up your life, and then drive north on the only road there is.
Recapper: Right. I AM ignoring that.
Protégé High School Weatherman: Seriously, dudes. Tomorrow is a snow day.
Recapper: Frick!
Aaron: You can't kill me.
Damon: I can still rip off your vervain watch thingem. Now drive north until you hit ice. Never return.
Meanwhile, back at the party...
Katherine: I'm throwing out the trash, because that's such an Elena thing.
Nadia: Domestic, much?
Katherine: Aren't you feeling sorry for this bitch? Stefan said Damon said I'm buried where I was always meant to be. Tomb, bitches.
Nadia: Um. Okay! Now say your goodbyes, so no one follows.
Caroline: So I'm just being the kind of good girlfriend/hostess one is, after one has fucked one's mother killer.
Katherine-as-Elena: You'll buy the whole 'My phone died' thing, right?