Episode Report Card Cindy McLennan: D | 329 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Elegy for Our Lady of Perpetual Victimhood
By Cindy McLennan | Season 5 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.30.2014
Caroline: But the cleaning? I'm obsessive about it.
Audience: Maybe because you just banged the guy who killed your lover's mother.
Aaron (I think) Whitmore: Are you cleaning the fireplace?
Caroline: Would you believe carcinogens?
Aaron: Elena?
Caroline: Message?
Aaron: Wes is out of the picture. I cut off Augustine's funding.
Caroline: Wanna boink?
Aaron: ???
Caroline: Sorry. It's the scripts. They're suddenly writing me like I value sex above all else.
Aaron: I return to my dorm.
Enzo: Just in time for me to huff, puff, blow his door down, and gobble him up.
Aaron: I was delicious though, right?
Enzo: Let's ask another Italian.
Meanwhile, back at the Mossy Manse wine cellar...
Stefan: So I call Caroline. Hey girl, my brother I love more than anything is still a D.B., because he loves my way underage girlfriend, right?
Caroline: Yes, because I'm the queen of Social Propriety.
Stefan: So anyhow, I told D he should totally get back together with E.
Caroline: You mad, bro?
Stefan: Prolly.
Recapper: Burn in hell for putting "prolly" in one of my recaps.
Rizzo: Some people are so touchy.
Caroline: Anyhoodle, I am better than everyone.
Stefan: How would you like to be judged on your sexual attraction?
Caroline: Why? Did someone tell you I did Klaus, not that I... I don't. I never did.
Stefan: *maintains polite pretense*
Caroline: Whatevs. Elena said she'd be at Mossy Manse.
Stefan: She told us she'd be at Whitmore.
Caroline: How far away are we, this week?
Recapper: However far you need to be, babe.
Meanwhile, back at Kiki's hotel room...
Elena's Phone: *ring*
Katherine: SHUT UP!
Creepy Whispers: We're kinda like Call-Waiting.
Elena: I'll get it! *emerges* Where the hell am I? Why am I chained up?
Sponsors: A WORD
Elena: So I break free, because my chains were only tethered to a wooden headboard, but before I can answer the call, Nadia returns.
Nadia: VJIT.
Audience: Is that how you spelled it last week?
Recapper: I have no fricking idea, because last week, the closed captioning supplied a suggestion.
Nadia: I mean: "Come forth!"
Katherine: I'm coming, but I really feel like I shouldn't be saying that to my kid. It's only a matter of time before Elena comes. Did you get my body.