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I remember when I used to care about the characters on this show. Now I'm down to Matt and Jeremy -- that's it. I guess I kind of care about Bonnie, but not really, because the show killed her off last year. She's a corporeal ghost. There's no there there. I used to save the episodes until I could buy the DVDs. I don't think I bought the Season 4 DVDs, but I cleared the TiVo, because I needed the space. Throughout Season 5, I've been deleting each new episode as soon as I submit my full recap. Whatever… I'm not the show's target audience, but I'm quite sure my 15-year-old daughter is. And she is now so far behind in watching, I'm not sure she's going to bother to catch up.
Damon lays Katherine's corpse to rest in the old tomb where she should have been trapped 145-plus years ago. Mia and Nadia need it to perform a spell that will seal Katherine's spirit to Elena's body. Essentially, she'll have the keys to the place. They succeed, because this is Katherine's story now.
Before the deal is done, Katherine rips off Matt's vervain bracelet and compels him to get her up to speed on the finer details of Elena's life. She then makes sure Tyler finds out that Caroline slept with Klaus. Impersonating Elena, Katherine also tells Damon he was right: he is no good for Elena. It's too much pressure for her. Every time they quarrel, she has to worry about how he'll act out.
Maybe the fandom wouldn't be so bone tired of Elena had she gotten to tell off Damon as a part of a story that forced Damon to make some serious choices about who he wants to be, regardless of Elena. No, she just accepted that he had perpetuated a convoluted revenge scheme against people who had never did him any personal harm because they had the misfortune to be related to a sadistic bastard.
Now Damon is back in league with Enzo, and the first thing they do is kill off that poor Whitmore kid. When Elena eventually regains control of her own body and finds out what Damon has done, there are only two ways the story can play out. Aaron's death should be what finishes Damon for Elena. If Aaron's death doesn't finish Damon for Elena, it will finish her for me. Seriously, if she blames Katherine for setting him off, yet fails to hold Damon accountable for his choices and actions, who is she anymore? I don't know. I just know she'll be nobody I can care about.
I need something or someone to make me care about how this all ends. Are these characters on a journey that's even worth watching? Do they have arcs? It feels to me like we're just reading ticker tape. Some numbers rise. Others fall. Show, much like the stock market, I'm not invested in you.
It didn't have to be this way. Elena started out kind of awesome. Sure, she was sad and still coming to terms with her parents' death, but she was smart. She was a fighter. She was fairly competent. Somewhere along the line, this admittedly vulnerable character turned into the perpetual damsel. I remember looking forward to the day she turned into a vampire because I foolishly thought it would put a stop to the victimhood of Elena Gilbert, but it only made things worse for most of Season 4. In Season 5, she finally accepts who and what she is, and now she is no more. Sure, she's not dead, but she's not here. Worse, she is at Katherine's mercy, like the past four and a half seasons never happened.
I'll be back with the recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're weaving Matt a new vervain bracelet, bathing him in vervain water and shoving vervain buds in all his nooks and crannies.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!This is akin to "The dog ate my homework," recap, except in this case the dog threw up my homework, i.e. recap. My poor little dog has been seriously sick (her tummy, but she also tested positive for Lyme disease antibodies, which is unrelated to the nausea). In addition to that, we're having a snow storm, I'm sick (a cold or something), and I thought I had one more day to write this up. Then at supper (which was way fricking late, because my husband had a meeting out of state) one of the kids mentioned today is Tuesday. After cooking, clean-up, pre-storm shopping, sneezing (well, I suppose that's between sneezes), and OCD hand-washing, I started this recap at 10:00 PM, and only under protest. I'd rather be watching Supernatural reruns, and I haven't been a faithful Supernatural viewer (although I do catch up, over time) since Season 6. So my lovelies, we're gonna wing it.
To begin, I'm plagiarizing myself from the middle of my recaplet: I need something or someone to make me care about how this all ends. Are these characters on a journey that's even worth watching? Do they have arcs? It feels to me like we're just reading ticker tape. Some numbers rise. Others fall. Show, much like the stock market, I'm not invested in you.
Were I approaching this recap in any way that could be considered ordered, reasoned, or academic, the paragraph would be my thesis statement, but c'mon, I'm sick, tired, and sick and tired. The thesis statement is: blah. Raise your hand if you feel the same way. If not, tweet at me, or respond in the comment section of this recap. I won't try to argue you out of liking the show. I'm trying to argue myself back into liking it, again.
Right now (and yes, I've heard from many of you that I'm being too hard on the show, and you're probably right), I hate its bloody guts and want it to be the surprise cancellation of the year. I cannot justify that desire. I guess I can say, I don't really want cancellation, because I never want to see people lose their jobs, but right now I want to stop watching and make the pain go away. Since that's not an option, and baby needs a new pair of shoes (and needs to go to college year), let's do this thing. (P.S. I hate you, Gerber Life ads. I expect this will be mostly script parody, with part bitchery, and part stuffy-headed incomprehension. I know. I sell myself, like a boss. You ready? Me neither.)
Previously on , The Vampire Diaries, everyone was a deplorable douche bag, except Matt.
Now on ,The Vampire Diaries, everyone is a deplorable douche bag, except Matt. Also, Caroline has woods sex with Klaus. Oh wait, that's a redundancy of the first sentence in this paragraph. Carry on (my wayward son...).
My Matt "Pudding Pop" Donovan sits on a park bench, waiting for Elena. She appears behind him, puts her hands over his eyes and plays the "Guess Who" game, except this isn't really Elena. It is Katherine in Elena's meat suit. Eventually, Nadia arrives and serves as the reinforcement squad. Katherine wants Matt to cough up personal Elena intel.
Since she's already determined he's no longer ingesting vervain (in case "someone" needs blood), but rather, is only wearing a vervain bracelet. Katherine rips off Matt's homemade bling, and compels him to do her bidding. While he's out, she asks things like Jeremy's birthday (October 13), Elena's birthday (June 22, which seems to contradict last season's ELENA'S BIRTHDAY episode), and the address of the house she burned down (2104 Maple Street). Kiki's last question asks how Elena broke up with Matt. My heart bleeds. Title card.
One question: How come on TV people live in these small-ass towns (no offense to small-ass towns, I choose to live in one), but when we learn their street addresses, their house numbers are always up in the thousands? How long is fricking Maple Street in Mystic Falls? This is the most interesting question that pops into my mind the episode. Caveat lector.
Hours earlier, Nadia -- bearing cuffs and chains -- returns to the hotel room she shares with Katherine. The Travelers need Katherine's corpse for what I'm precisely and scientifically going to call a thing. Since Nadia and Kiki can't be sure when Elena's consciousness will reemerge, Kiki allows Nadia to cuff and chain her to the bed.
Sidebar: This might be out of place, but this is when it popped into my stuffy head, so I just want to say, I think this entire series would have worked better for me if Katherine had first gotten involved with Damon, then fell in love with Stefan. It's too late for all that now, but it bears mention.
Damon: Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's back from burying Kiki I go.
Stefan: Really?
Nadia: I want my mother's body.
Damon: That's what she said.
Nadia, grabbing Damon: Tell me where she is.
Damon, overpowering Nadia, who is centuries older than he is: No, the maggots think she's yummy. Now watch this drive.
Meanwhile, at the Lockwood mansion...
Matt "Pudding Pop" Donovan: Dude, where's my phone?
Tyler "Pudding Pup" Lockwood: Dude, here's my passing outage.
Matt: Dude?
Tyler: Dude!
Matt: Dude.
Tyler: Drinks?
Matt: 7:42 AM!
Tyler: Dude...
Matt: What happened in New Orleans?
Tyler: Well, some of the more recent episodes of The Originals are on Hulu, but your best bet is to read Tippi Blevins' recaps on TWoP. She watches, so you don't have to.
Audience: Excellent. I hope Tippi isn't as bitter about The Originals, as Cindy is about The Vampire Diaries.
Recapper: Please. I am approaching Damien versus Charmed levels of bitterness.
Raoul: CANCELED! Sorry. Reflex. I clutch my pearls with one hand, and grab the nearest bottle with the other.
Matt: Hulu? Recaps? I don't even know what you people are talking about. What about those of us who are behind, right now, like oh, say me?
Tyler: Would you believe we're starting fresh?
Recapper: Certainly, especially if it means I don't have to catch up on that show to cover this show.
Matt: Well, then we're celebrating. Party tonight. Be there or be square.
Tyler: Dude, nothing is squarer than what you just said.
Matt: Take a shower, you smelly pig.
Meanwhile, back at the dorm...
Veronica Mars: Caroline is obsessively cleaning everything. This is what I did when I thought I figured out that my current boyfriend raped me, in the past, when he was my pre-boyfriend, best friend's then recent boyfriend, my own then recent boyfriend's best friend, and my high school's Obligatory Psychotic Jackass.
Fandom: OMG, was Caroline raped.
Recapper: No. She had regrettable sex which she, herself, instigated.
Veronica Mars: So I can ignore this, now.
Audience: Yeah, girl. You've got a movie to give us.
Caroline: But the cleaning? I'm obsessive about it.
Audience: Maybe because you just banged the guy who killed your lover's mother.
Aaron (I think) Whitmore: Are you cleaning the fireplace?
Caroline: Would you believe carcinogens?
Aaron: Elena?
Caroline: Message?
Aaron: Wes is out of the picture. I cut off Augustine's funding.
Caroline: Wanna boink?
Aaron: ???
Caroline: Sorry. It's the scripts. They're suddenly writing me like I value sex above all else.
Aaron: I return to my dorm.
Enzo: Just in time for me to huff, puff, blow his door down, and gobble him up.
Aaron: I was delicious though, right?
Enzo: Let's ask another Italian.
Meanwhile, back at the Mossy Manse wine cellar...
Stefan: So I call Caroline. Hey girl, my brother I love more than anything is still a D.B., because he loves my way underage girlfriend, right?
Caroline: Yes, because I'm the queen of Social Propriety.
Stefan: So anyhow, I told D he should totally get back together with E.
Caroline: You mad, bro?
Stefan: Prolly.
Recapper: Burn in hell for putting "prolly" in one of my recaps.
Rizzo: Some people are so touchy.
Caroline: Anyhoodle, I am better than everyone.
Stefan: How would you like to be judged on your sexual attraction?
Caroline: Why? Did someone tell you I did Klaus, not that I... I don't. I never did.
Stefan: *maintains polite pretense*
Caroline: Whatevs. Elena said she'd be at Mossy Manse.
Stefan: She told us she'd be at Whitmore.
Caroline: How far away are we, this week?
Recapper: However far you need to be, babe.
Meanwhile, back at Kiki's hotel room...
Elena's Phone: *ring*
Katherine: SHUT UP!
Creepy Whispers: We're kinda like Call-Waiting.
Elena: I'll get it! *emerges* Where the hell am I? Why am I chained up?
Sponsors: A WORD
Elena: So I break free, because my chains were only tethered to a wooden headboard, but before I can answer the call, Nadia returns.
Nadia: VJIT.
Audience: Is that how you spelled it last week?
Recapper: I have no fricking idea, because last week, the closed captioning supplied a suggestion.
Nadia: I mean: "Come forth!"
Katherine: I'm coming, but I really feel like I shouldn't be saying that to my kid. It's only a matter of time before Elena comes. Did you get my body.
Meanwhile back at the Mystic Grill...
Damon: Katherine deserves every bad thing ever.
Audience: Yeah she does, except for how we like her better than the rest of you.
Stefan: Without Elena, you're a dick. Start dealing instead of running.
Caroline: Okay, it's all about me now. Oh yeah, I spew something to explain why Bonnie and the Germ are missing, but do we really care?
Damon: No, we do not.
Stefan: Caroline agreed to help you get Elena back.
Damon: You once told me calling me "Satan" was an insult to Satan.
Caroline: Yeah, but I fucked Klaus.
Damon: I don't have to know that, do I?
Audience: No, but we do.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Elena's cell phone rings.
Katherine: Elena has the most needy baby-pants friends.
Bonnie and Jeremy: We're not even in this episode.
Katherine: Right?
Nadia: We need to find your body.
Katherine: Stefan, Stefan, Stefan.
Nadia: I'm sorry, did you mean to tell me something?
Katherine: Yes, Pudding Pop is having a party for Pudding Pup. I'll go and pretend to be Elena.
Nadia: Are you nuts?
Katherine: You have to ask?
Nadia: Do you know the answer to all those questions you asked Matt in the opening scene, even though within the episode, you haven't yet asked?
Recapper: I'm dizzy.
Meanwhile, we cut to the Mayoral Mansion.
Tyler: It's like my house.
Matt: And yet?
Tyler: Just invite in the right people, like the blonde I'd most like to shag.
Matt: Caroline?
Tyler: Just get the cups.
Meanwhile, back to the opening scene...
Katherine-as-Elena: Guess who?
Matt: I'll take the obvious fake-out for $200, Alex.
Meanwhile, back at Mossy Manse...
Enzo: I pretend to snooze on Damon's sofa.
Damon: Can Bonnie not figure out a de-invite spell?
Sponsors: More words.
Enzo: I love a good fire in which you don't burn me alive.
Damon: Yawn. Who's in the bag?
Enzo: My research. Let me show you it.
Damon: You want me to throw away 3 years of characterization to feed on the puny Whitmore kid?
Writers: That'd be us.
Meanwhile, at Matt's party for Ty...
Katherine-As-Elena: I make Matt invite "me' in, then compel him to move on.
Stefan: I drink.
Katherine-as-Elena: I watch.
Stefan: Where have you been? Caroline was...well, Caroline.
Katherine-as-Elena: Would you believe I've been processing?
Stefan: Damon made a mistake and wants you back.
Katherine-as-Elena: Isn't this weird for you?
Stefan: No. Why?
Katherine-as-Elena: Didn't it really suck for you when your best girl, Katherine, died?
Stefan: That old slag?
Katherine-as-Elena: So we should give her a funeral?
Stefan: I'll have what she's having.
Katherine-as-Elena: Where is she buried, totally so I can drop off flowers, and not so I can interfere.
Stefan: Damon put her where she was meant to be.
Katherine-as-Elena: BINGO!
Meanwhile, in the Mossy Manse parlor...
Enzo: I suggest a lot of stuff our recapper is too stuffy to follow.
Damon: Right? And I'm all like what?
Enzo: Have you gone soft?
Damon: Have you met Viagra? Oh, my phone is ringing.
Caroline's phone: *Ring*
Caroline: Deal with your shit and get to Tyler's. Elena is here.
Aaron: I'm awake!
Enzo: Should you kill him, or should I?
Damon: I snap Enzo's neck, because I hate deadlines.
Recapper: Wait. Is that a thing?
Editors: *Cower*
Aaron: Hey, I'm still right here. That was Enzo's neck.
Damon: Yeah. Oops. Well. I'm taking your watch and compelling you to go back to school, pack up your life, and then drive north on the only road there is.
Recapper: Right. I AM ignoring that.
Protégé High School Weatherman: Seriously, dudes. Tomorrow is a snow day.
Recapper: Frick!
Aaron: You can't kill me.
Damon: I can still rip off your vervain watch thingem. Now drive north until you hit ice. Never return.
Meanwhile, back at the party...
Katherine: I'm throwing out the trash, because that's such an Elena thing.
Nadia: Domestic, much?
Katherine: Aren't you feeling sorry for this bitch? Stefan said Damon said I'm buried where I was always meant to be. Tomb, bitches.
Nadia: Um. Okay! Now say your goodbyes, so no one follows.
Caroline: So I'm just being the kind of good girlfriend/hostess one is, after one has fucked one's mother killer.
Katherine-as-Elena: You'll buy the whole 'My phone died' thing, right?
Caroline: Yeah, 'cause I fucked Klaus.
Katherine-As-Elena: Oh wow. Dude. Wait, let's repeat all the important stuff, so Tyler glares.
Tyler: *Glares*
Katherine-as-Elena: *Escapes*
Tyler: *Glowers*
Sponsors: We're so much easier.
Recapper: So Katherine finds Mia, Nadia, and Elena's corpse in ye olde tomb cave. There are arguments. Who cares? Let's get it over with it. Mia needs Kiki's blood to seal Katherine's spirit to Elena's body. Katherine gives it up. Poor Elena gets cut up. Even Katherine objects, but only a little. Elena wakes up during the spell, stuns Mia, and (non-fatally) stakes Nadia, then flees.
Out in the woods, Elena feels herself being pulled back to the tomb, but tries to fight it. We cut to the party.
Tyler: Caroline there is no excuse for sleeping with Satan Klaus. Now I'm going to wolf out on you!
Stefan: I'll pay the rent!
Recapper: Sorry. Old kids' game. Stefan rushes to the rescue.
Tyler: Dude?
Stefan: Dude!
Tyler: She screwed Klaus.
Stefan: Nobody puts Baby in a corner. *Punch*
Meanwhile, back at the tomb...
Readers: Cindy, didn't you already cover the scene where Elena disables these two, then runs out?
Recapper: Oops. Yes. My head is stuffy. I forgot I telescoped it. Please forgive me.
Sponsors: Please buy our stuff.
Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion...
Damon: I have to be invited in. Hello? Fine, I'll just mosey around back.
Nadia: Back at the cave, Mia and I revive. I just want her to finish the spell.
Elena-As-Katherine-As-Elena: Out in the woods, I start feeling weird. Okay, weirder. Don't drag me back, bitches!
Mia: *INCANTS*
Elena: Now I'm remembering Katherine's tragic past.
Katherine: SCORE!
Mia: So I'm totally lighting Katherine's corpse afire.
Audience: Um. Couldn't you make like a Cassadine, and freeze it?
Recapper: As Elena flees, Katherine burns. Eventually, Elena finds Damon. She charges toward him. They hug.
Audience: Elena, why aren't the first words out of your mouth: They're putting Katherine's spirit in my body.
Elena: Damon?
Damon: Girl?
Elena: Big hug?
Damon: Yeah.
Elena: Damon, thank God I'm not wasting our precious time telling you what's really going on.
Damon: This is my fault again, right?
Contrivance Fairy: No. It is mine!
Katherine-as-Elena: I'm in control, again.
Meanwhile, back at the cave...
Mia: It is done.
Katherine-as-Elena: Back to me. This is my show now. I tell Damon we need to talk. He agrees. He starts to apologize for dumping Elena. I have no intention of wasting time on Damon Salvatore, while Stefan exists, so I tell him I, Elena Gilbert think he's right. He is no good for me. His goodness or badness is too much pressure for "me."
Elena Fans: So Elena doesn't even get to set her own boundaries?
Katherine: It's not in the script. Anyhow, I tell Damon we are over, then walk off, smirking.
Stefan: I overhear all this, and think Elena is doing the best thing for herself, but the worst for Damon.
Damon: Come on. Deep down you've got to be enjoying this, a little bit.
Tyler: After the commercial, we return to my house, post party. I tell Matt that while everything is a mess in my life, I live in a mansion, and have immortality, so there's that. I've got a big ass house.
Matt: Why don't we get out of it for a while?
Tyler: Klaus took everything from me, including Caroline.
Audience: You threw Caroline away.
Nadia: Back in the cave, tomb, whatever, Mia assures me Katherine has permanent control of Elena's body and asks me for payment.
Katherine: I sneak in and rip out Mia's heart. Nadia asks if that was necessary. I admit it's not, but she was a loose end, and mama don't play that way.
Nadia, shrugging: She gave me the creeps, anyway.
Katherine: Hmmm. Cold, manipulative, good hair. You really are my daughter.
Nadia: If that's your way of thanking me, save it for the road.
Katherine: Yeah, I could go off and bond with you, but I'm staying in Mystic Falls. You can stay or leave at your pleasure, but I vote you stay. I may never learn to be a good mother, but I'll try.
Nadia: Deal. But we both know you want more than time to bond with me.
Katherine: I want it all. You, immortality, and Stefan Salvatore. He's my one true love.
Nadia: I'd hate to be the person standing in your way.
Recapper: I hope that's foreshadowing.
Meanwhile, back at Mossy Manse...
Caroline: So, Stefan, am I a horrible person?
Stefan: When you found out about me and Katherine, what was your first thought?
Audience: She didn't only "find out" she overheard, if you know what we mean.
Caroline: Ew.
Stefan: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Writers: That's not in this episode.
Stefan: Right. If you held my Katherine interlude against me, you wouldn't be here, now.
Caroline: Maybe I'm here, because I know you see the best in people.
Stefan: Okay, yes. You're gross, disgusting and totally have cooties. I have no idea what Klaus saw in you. What was he thinking?
Caroline, giggling: Shut up!
Enzo: I'm lying out on the road. A car stops. Aaron Whitmore gets out and asks if I'm all right. I sit up and tell him I've never been better, and that we've been waiting for him.
Aaron: I turn to find Damon behind me. Enzo says something about Damon teaching him a new game. Damon, you said you were letting me go. Does Elena know you're here?
Damon: She's the reason why I'm here. Scratch that. I'm the reason.
Aaron: We bicker back and forth. I blah about my family. Enzo blahs about justifiable revenge. Damon blahs about Elena, doing the right thing, and being conflicted, but even I see no reason to further belabor this.
Damon: I sink my fangs into Aaron's throat and drink deep. I throw him down to the ground.
Recapper: And you can't wipe your fricking mouth? You? Felix Unger of the underworld? Mr. Clean?
Aaron: My blood spills out on the pavement.
Audience: Is he still alive?
Recapper: If he is, the huge pool of his blood is an indulgent, misleading visual, which will piss me off even more.
Audience: *Cowers*
Recapper: Title card.
I'll be back with coverage of" "Total Eclipse of the Heart." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're weaving Matt a new vervain bracelet, bathing him in vervain water, and shoving vervain buds in all his nooks and crannies.