Episode Report Card Demian: C | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Welcome To Fantathy Thithtern!
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.25.2003
The shot cuts to the Manor sun porch, where a TV's been tuned to Phoebe's cable access show. Fortunately, a violent demonic whirlwind howls through the room, drowning out anything Phoebe has to say. We quickly discover the source of the Hell-sent windstorm is none other than Simon from Go, and Desmond Askew needs to fire his agent. Again. Some more. As if Roswell wasn't bad enough, the poor guy. Simon's bleached his hair white-blond and is currently conjuring a vast, sucking hole in the sun porch floor. As is its wont, the vast, sucking hole swallows various items of furniture and bric-a-brac, including, almost, very nearly, Piper. Oh, shut up. Her sisters treat her as if she were a footstool, and you know it. Piper manages to cling to a doorframe and bellow for Big Gay Chris, who very prettily orbs in beside her, his hair all tousled by Simon's whirlwind. Sigh. Big Chris reaches out to orb away with Piper, but she shouts that his Tiny Gay Self is up in the nursery, so Big Chris should fetch Phoebe and Raige instead. Instead of, say, orbing upstairs with Piper to collect Tiny Chris from his bassinet, and then orbing to fetch Phoebe and Raige. What the fuck ever. One minute and twenty-nine seconds, people. That's how far we are into this episode, and I already want everyone responsible for it dead.
Big Gay Chris obediently and stupidly orbs from the Manor to Phoebe's public access studio. He arrives off-stage behind some curtains and frantically gesticulates in an attempt to catch her eye. Phoebe's still talking about orgasms, though, so Big Chris just groans a bit in frustration and orbs out.
Back at the Manor, Piper tosses a Hand Of Discontent in Simon's direction, but her aim's off, presumably due to the wind, or something. She vanquishes the sun porch chandelier, which crashes through the vast, sucking hole in the floor. For some reason, this leads to Simon snipering face-forwards as the vast, sucking hole snaps shut. He dashes off into the dining room. When Piper darts into the hall to blow him up, he opens another vast, sucking hole near the connecting doorway. Piper wraps her arms around the banister and grunts as The Vast Suck lifts her feet off the floor.
Meanwhile, Big Gay Chris orbs into a nursing home, which is apparently where Raige's fucked-up temp agency placed her for the week. Raige is locked into one of those "Saw The Lady In Two" boxes, and an elderly magician struggles to separate the halves before an audience of geriatrics in wheelchairs. His arthritis is acting up, or something, because he can't trip the clasp. Raige wordlessly mojos the thing with her orbing telekinesis, and the two halves of the box split apart, to the exaggerated delight of every blue hair in the room. By the way, Kathryn Joosten's been off to the side during all of this as the elderly magician's assistant, and the bastards in costuming have slung her sixty-five-year-old derriere into a skimpy red-velvet one-piece with gold trim. I bet she curses the day Crackhead Sorkin wrote her off the show just so Martin Sheen could snag another Emmy nomination. But I'll mourn for her career some other time, as Big Chris is shooting a foul glare at Raige, who shrugs as best she can to indicate that she isn't going anywhere for a while. Big Chris orbs out.