Episode Report Card 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT The Painted World
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.13.1999
Titles. Let me get this straight: Shannen Doherty returns to prime time television. A Smiths song is chosen to accompany the opening credits. And that tune is not "Big Mouth Strikes Again"?
If I were Danielle, the daughter of the founder and CEO of Papa John's Pizza, a successful chain that keeps me in all the Sanrio and American Girl products money can buy, and Daddy asked me to be in his fey lemonade stand commercial, I would probably muster up the energy to deliver my lines with more enthusiasm than a five-dollar crack whore. But that's just me.
San Francisco. Not! Hill. Halliwell Manor. Day. Prue tells Piper about seeing the guy in the painting. Hey, Prue, I know that lunch you're preparing is for your consumption, but either wear a barrette or stop putting your hair back behind your ears while touching the food. Piper's not paying attention, just going through papers. Prue calls her on it. Piper: "Listen to this one -- hall near club entrance too narrow." Prue thinks they discussed her club violations already. Piper says they keep finding more. Prue tells her to stop because she's "obsessing." Piper calls her on this. Prue says she doesn't obsess, she just "thinks ... intensely." Blah blah can't really help it blah blah seen so many strange things blah blah why not a man in a painting? Piper wrestles the conversation back away from her sis: "Well, at least he's safe in a building. I bet that castle's up to code." Heh. Phoebe enters. She's sorry, but she couldn't find anything in the Book of Shadows about people trapped in artwork. Piper asks Phoebe how her interview went. Pheebs says it went fine, and is still going on -- she has to take an aptitude test. She says she'll start it right then, and tries to book out along with the BoS. At this point, Phoebe turns around in the red infant lobster bib she's wearing as a halter, and I spot on her exposed back what at first I think is a bruise from her fender-bender but is actually Alyssa Milano's famous poorly covered-up tattoo. Two thoughts: If the show's staff is somewhat proficient at demon make-up, can't they master flesh tones? And if AM's character is supposed to be street-smart and hip, wouldn't a tattoo fit her character (unless the image is too smutty to be shown on family television)? Anyone out there know the dirt? Anyhow, Prue then asks Phoebe for her car keys. Piper glares at Phoebe, and Pheebs breaks the news to Prue about the accident. Before Prue can get her bitch on, Phoebe adds, "Yeah, you don't have to say it. How could I be so irresponsible? How can I be SO STUPID." Prue: "Irresponsible, yes. Stupid, no way! Where is that coming from?" Before I can add, "From the shouts and screams of viewers all over North America and in other continents following global syndication," Phoebe lays her scarred psyche bare about being the younger sister wah wah wah. Piper tries to tiptoe away from this ugliness. Phoebe wails, "Even the middle sister, who's supposed to be neutral, checks out on this one!" Piper's behavior seems way neutral to me, hon, so you've won the "I'm stupid, dammit" argument in my opinion. Prue says she doesn't want to argue. Phoebe agrees to pay for the car damages and Prue's cab. Phoebe departs. Prue asks Piper what just happened here, but Piper doesn't know "anything about anything." She gets her folders together to consult Dan. Prue wonders what they should do about the guy in the painting. Piper tells her to let it be, turns to leave, and her dubbed voice adds, "Going next door!"
Piper grabs Dan's newspaper and clomps up to his porch. Dan "The Man" Gordon answers the door and wishes her good morning. Piper is sorry to bother him. Dan is not bothered, unless she "refuses to hand over the paper." Okay, maybe I was wrong about him being tapped for Phoebe -- the writers unsuccessfully attempt badinage between him and Piper in this scene. Dan asks her in. Since the Gordon manse is just a set façade, Piper demurs and asks for "a quick favor." Piper wah wah club building inspector wah wah code violations wah wah, wah wah wah wah. Dan is "in construction" but ponders what to do. Piper agrees to "pay him ... something." Jenny "867-530whine" Gordon interrupts this exchange by busting both of them out of her way, exclaiming, "Uncle Dan I'm late oh hey Piper see you later Uncle Dan AND DON'T FORGET YOUR PROMISE!" First thing, Jenny -- you only had to tell the first-time viewers once that he's your uncle so they won't think he's Humbert Humbert or anything. And breathe, already. Oh, and SHUT UP. Dan tell Piper he'll help her, but she has to help him keep his promise to Jenny. Piper: "Deal. Wait -- what promise?" Dan: Blah blah paper for bio class blah blah human reproductive system. Piper: "Oh. You mean sex?" Dan says sex is just too awkward to talk about with his niece. Piper, not looking Dan in the face, replies that he doesn't have to worry because she has plenty of experience. D'oh! Dan: "What? With sex?" Piper: "No, with talking about it." The Tuba Note Of Awkward Sexual Banter closes this exchange.