Buckland Auction House. Night? Prue "Antiques Thirty-Miles-of-Bad-Roadshow" Halliwell, wearing a black skirt, black camisole top trimmed in white, and non-prescription designer eyeglass frames, is reciting an appraisal of an oil painting into her mini-tape recorder: "Painting of a gothic castle. Artist unknown, circa 1920s. Oil on canvas, 20 x 28." She turns suddenly and asks, "Miss Franklin, where did you say you got this?" Cut to Miss Franklin, who looks like Toni Collette if she were untalented enough to appear on an Aaron Spelling program, got hit by a Max Factor truck, and squeezed herself into an ugly tight blue dress with ruffled trim that would be perfect for clogging performances in shopping malls if the skirt were fuller. She replies that she inherited the painting a few months ago and it's been in her family for generations. Prue: "Blah blah so unusual blah blah colors straight from tube and varnished blah blah blah." TC: "I'm sorry for interrupting, but do I have to be here?" Reading my mind, much? Prue buys TC a business-class ticket on the guilt express: "No, of course not. It's just most people prefer to be at an appraisal, especially when they plan on selling a piece." TC is kind of in a hurry. Prue has her sign a paper. TC wants to know how long before they can sell it. Prue needs to see ownership papers first. TC says she'll send Prue everything she has. TC wants to know if that's all. No, Prue has to confirm the painting's authenticity and physical condition. She gives TC another form to sign so they can X-ray it. TC wants to know if there's anything else. Prue: "I really want the time to research this, so we can get the best price." Okay, we get it. TC is wigged about the painting, and Prue is a professional. Let's move on. TC wah wah admires Prue's professionalism wah wah doesn't want best price wah wah just wants it sold wah wah, wah wah wah wah. She books out of there. Prue looks at the painting. Cut! Cut! I said cut already!
Some office building. (I'm guessing this. Unfortunately, it doesn't say "OFFICES" in big letters on the front.) Night? Phoebe "Flowers For Alger-not" Halliwell on a cell phone: "Piper, it was an accident! Not like I borrowed Prue's car so I could drive it into a pole!" She enters an elevator. Cut to Piper "Sister's Keeper" Halliwell on the other end, who's sorting out boxes at the nightclub. She asks how much the damage will be. Pheebs says it will be expensive. Did I tell y'all that my friend Mock was at a convention last week and she went in a restroom at the Georgia World Congress Center and this businesswoman was talking shop on her cell phone while in the toilet stall? Phoebe's cell phone abuse here isn't as heinous, but it's up there. Anyway, Phoebe asks Piper for a favor -- don't tell Prue about the accident, because Prue's been really supportive of Pheebs lately, and she doesn't want to lose Prue's trust. From this, if y'all haven't seen this show before, it's established that Phoebe is a total moron. Remember this, because we'll come back to it later. Piper can't believe that Phoebe hasn't told Prue, and tells her she has to. Phoebe blah blah has a plan blah blah will get the money to fix it blah blah at a job interview at Web San Francisco -- "an interactive network on the Internet" (I guess we should ooh and aah here) blah blah faxed her resume, they want to meet with her tonight blah blah blah. Piper reiterates that Pheebs should tell Prue. Phoebe says she will once she gets the job. Pheebs gets off the phone and enters a room full of cattle-call interview candidates as The Flugelhorn Of Comic Futility bleats a plaintive note. Phoebe bounds up to the extremely blasé headset-wearing receptionist and declares, "Hello! I'm Phoebe Halliwell." Receptionist looks up from her magazine with a "yeah, that and $3.75 plus tax and tip will get you a grande latte" look. Pheebs has an appointment. Receptionist gives her a clipboard form. Phoebe: "All of these people! They're here for the interview too, aren't they?" Receptionist (who's Owen's new girlfriend): "Well, you won't have any trouble with this if you figured that out. It's an aptitude test. You can finish it at home." A defeated Pheobe slumps into a chair. Applicant Extra Man and Applicant Extra Woman blather to each other about having fellowships and both graduating "cum laude." The woman graduated from Harvard, the man from Stanford. Receptionist adds that she's a Stanford alum, too. Pheebs makes a stink-face. Cute Applicant Extra behind her: "Intimidating, isn't it?" Phoebe: "The Good Will Huntings or the aptitude test?" Cute Extra: "Who cares about linear algebra or differential [sic]? And that test is a snap. In this day and age, who can't write in HTML numeric languages, right?" Pheebs joins him in a facetious ha ha, takes the test forms, throws the clipboard in Applicant Extra's lap and stomps out. Let's begin: Like Phoebe would even get an interview with a prestigious tech firm. Like the brainiac job candidates wouldn't be head hunted. Like the individual interviews wouldn't be conducted during the day. Like the firm would give out "take home" aptitude tests that could easily be cheated upon. Like anyone would pick out Phoebe's ensemble -- a tight low-cut blue short-sleeved sweater, no bra, black tube skirt, strappy high heels, tote bag, and a flimsy black cardboard folder -- and show up in all seriousness for a job interview that's not at an escort agency.
BAH. Same night. Prue at her desk. A light glows in a castle window on the painting. Prue looks at it, and asks, "What?" She grabs a magnifying glass and spots a man duck away from the window, followed by a flash of light. She jumps back.
Titles. Let me get this straight: Shannen Doherty returns to prime time television. A Smiths song is chosen to accompany the opening credits. And that tune is not "Big Mouth Strikes Again"?
If I were Danielle, the daughter of the founder and CEO of Papa John's Pizza, a successful chain that keeps me in all the Sanrio and American Girl products money can buy, and Daddy asked me to be in his fey lemonade stand commercial, I would probably muster up the energy to deliver my lines with more enthusiasm than a five-dollar crack whore. But that's just me.
San Francisco. Not! Hill. Halliwell Manor. Day. Prue tells Piper about seeing the guy in the painting. Hey, Prue, I know that lunch you're preparing is for your consumption, but either wear a barrette or stop putting your hair back behind your ears while touching the food. Piper's not paying attention, just going through papers. Prue calls her on it. Piper: "Listen to this one -- hall near club entrance too narrow." Prue thinks they discussed her club violations already. Piper says they keep finding more. Prue tells her to stop because she's "obsessing." Piper calls her on this. Prue says she doesn't obsess, she just "thinks ... intensely." Blah blah can't really help it blah blah seen so many strange things blah blah why not a man in a painting? Piper wrestles the conversation back away from her sis: "Well, at least he's safe in a building. I bet that castle's up to code." Heh. Phoebe enters. She's sorry, but she couldn't find anything in the Book of Shadows about people trapped in artwork. Piper asks Phoebe how her interview went. Pheebs says it went fine, and is still going on -- she has to take an aptitude test. She says she'll start it right then, and tries to book out along with the BoS. At this point, Phoebe turns around in the red infant lobster bib she's wearing as a halter, and I spot on her exposed back what at first I think is a bruise from her fender-bender but is actually Alyssa Milano's famous poorly covered-up tattoo. Two thoughts: If the show's staff is somewhat proficient at demon make-up, can't they master flesh tones? And if AM's character is supposed to be street-smart and hip, wouldn't a tattoo fit her character (unless the image is too smutty to be shown on family television)? Anyone out there know the dirt? Anyhow, Prue then asks Phoebe for her car keys. Piper glares at Phoebe, and Pheebs breaks the news to Prue about the accident. Before Prue can get her bitch on, Phoebe adds, "Yeah, you don't have to say it. How could I be so irresponsible? How can I be SO STUPID." Prue: "Irresponsible, yes. Stupid, no way! Where is that coming from?" Before I can add, "From the shouts and screams of viewers all over North America and in other continents following global syndication," Phoebe lays her scarred psyche bare about being the younger sister wah wah wah. Piper tries to tiptoe away from this ugliness. Phoebe wails, "Even the middle sister, who's supposed to be neutral, checks out on this one!" Piper's behavior seems way neutral to me, hon, so you've won the "I'm stupid, dammit" argument in my opinion. Prue says she doesn't want to argue. Phoebe agrees to pay for the car damages and Prue's cab. Phoebe departs. Prue asks Piper what just happened here, but Piper doesn't know "anything about anything." She gets her folders together to consult Dan. Prue wonders what they should do about the guy in the painting. Piper tells her to let it be, turns to leave, and her dubbed voice adds, "Going door!"
Piper grabs Dan's newspaper and clomps up to his porch. Dan "The Man" Gordon answers the door and wishes her good morning. Piper is sorry to bother him. Dan is not bothered, unless she "refuses to hand over the paper." Okay, maybe I was wrong about him being tapped for Phoebe -- the writers unsuccessfully attempt badinage between him and Piper in this scene. Dan asks her in. Since the Gordon manse is just a set façade, Piper demurs and asks for "a quick favor." Piper wah wah club building inspector wah wah code violations wah wah, wah wah wah wah. Dan is "in construction" but ponders what to do. Piper agrees to "pay him ... something." Jenny "867-530whine" Gordon interrupts this exchange by busting both of them out of her way, exclaiming, "Uncle Dan I'm late oh hey Piper see you later Uncle Dan AND DON'T FORGET YOUR PROMISE!" First thing, Jenny -- you only had to tell the first-time viewers once that he's your uncle so they won't think he's Humbert Humbert or anything. And breathe, already. Oh, and SHUT UP. Dan tell Piper he'll help her, but she has to help him keep his promise to Jenny. Piper: "Deal. Wait -- what promise?" Dan: Blah blah paper for bio class blah blah human reproductive system. Piper: "Oh. You mean sex?" Dan says sex is just too awkward to talk about with his niece. Piper, not looking Dan in the face, replies that he doesn't have to worry because she has plenty of experience. D'oh! Dan: "What? With sex?" Piper: "No, with talking about it." The Tuba Note Of Awkward Sexual Banter closes this exchange.
BAH. Prue and TC conversing in the office in Tori Spelling-ish Dramatic Whispers. Prue knows TC doesn't want to be there, and that there's something strange about the painting. TC offers this long monologue about the owners of the painting being driven crazy by their sightings of the man in the castle. She urges Prue to sell the painting as soon as she can, adding, "Trust me when I tell you, it's only going to get worse." Word on this episode's meta-statement, although I had to turn my television's volume up to eleven to hear it. Do y'all remember when Joey on Friends taught soap-opera acting at the Learning Annex? Because I think Tori has a similar classroom set up on the Spelling Productions lot.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe's bedroom. She's copying down a spell from the BoS. Piper knocks at the door. Phoebe wants to be alone. Piper promises she won't be long. Pheebs hides the BoS under the bedspread. Piper enters in a very garish lycra green and grey batik print top. She just wants to tell Phoebe that the body shop called with the estimate on Prue's car, and wants to know if Pheebs has informed Prue. Phoebe knows that Prue already knows the estimate, because she called the shop herself. Phoebe blathers on about how she has to get the tech job, to earn the money "to set things right." Owen adds that Phoebe might want to stop all of these golly-I-need-to-earn-some-extra-money-because-I-broke-the-neighbor's-window-hitting-a-baseball schemes and get a job because she's a grown woman who's unemployed and should pay her share of the rent and utilities and maybe, just maybe, earn some self-respect. Piper reiterates that Phoebe should have come clean with Prue earlier to begin with. Phoebe, all self-flagellation: "A smart person would have figured that out! A smart person wouldn't have backed their car into a pole! A smart person would have realized it was a $1200 pole! That's why smart people don't do stupid things, only stupid people do!" Thank god Piper doesn't buy into Pheeb's passive-aggressive agenda to be told how smart she really is, replying only that she didn't want to upset Phoebe. Phoebe suggests maybe they can talk later. Piper, smelling some shit brewing, adds that she knows Phoebe thinks "getting the job is the answer, but don't do anything ..." Phoebe: "Stupid?" Piper: "Just don't do anything I wouldn't do." She exits. Phoebe pulls out the BoS and says, "Don't worry. I won't. You would never cast a smart spell," as if she found a big loophole or something. Our Phoebe -- both mentally and morally challenged. She finishes writing out the spell, folds it up and holds it to her forehead. To the tinkling music of a thousand wind chimes, she provides the Hallmark Moment of the episode: Spirits send the words/ From all across the land/ Allow me to absorb them/ Through the touch of either hand/ For twenty-four hours from seven to seven/ I will understand all meaning of the words from heaven to heaven. She adds: "Oh, and P.S. There will be no personal gain." She then speed flips through the pages of a dictionary and thinks she's pretty smart for knowing the definitions of the words "abaca" and "zygote." If she's so smart, why doesn't she remember last episode, in which, due to her maverick witchcraft-abusing ways, the flames rose to her Roman nose and her Walkman started to melt? And what word does she choose to describe her newly acquired, hugely improved vocabulary? "Cool." My point? I know it's in stock, but I'm not buying this genius thing.
BAH. Night. Prue's office. Joe, a dread-locked earring-sporting menial, brings in the castle painting. Prue tells him, "That was fast." Sideshow Joe tells her there wasn't a line at the X-ray machine. Prue asks if the painting's authenticity was confirmed. Joe gives her the X-ray, which reveals "definite underwriting" on the canvas. Prue pores over the X-ray and starts to recite the words. Sideshow Joe interrupts her by exclaiming, "Wow! You speak Latin?" Prue gives him a killer "carpe duh" look, and replies, " ... Yes. Goodnight, Joe." Sideshow Joe tells her he'll return the painting to the vault tomorrow. Prue tells him that's a good idea. He leaves. Prue glances at the painting and the window glows again. She grabs her magnifying glass and sees the word HELP written on the glass. She freaks, and goes to the X-rayed inscription, reciting "Absolvo Amitto/ Amplus Brevis/ Semper Meo" ("Set free what is lost/ Say these words/ Mine forever"). ["Not to nitpick or anything, but both Prue’s grammatical Latin and her translation of it are incorrect." -- Sars] Prue's sucked into the painting, landing on all fours in a candle-lit room. She nervously looks around, and puts a hunk of hair behind her ear. Can we get a barrette in this scene? Stat!
Oh, rooster-haired alien sidekick love-child of David Duchovny and Max Perlich boy on Roswell. No need to fight it. You will be mine. I don't know how I'll get ya but I know that I won't let ya get awa ... Sorry about that. My mind wandered during the commercials.
Paint-By-Numbers Castle. Prue runs towards a door and tries to open it, but it's bolted. She hears a noise and asks what's there. A fireball comes towards her. She shrieks and ducks. A cute Cary Elwes look-alike guy (Cary Elwes before he started looking like bald middle-aged Ronnie Howard, that is) who's dressed like he stepped off the set of Chariots of Fire runs to her and they hide in an alcove away from the fireballs. He can see that she "reads Latin, too." Prue asks where she is. CE says they're trapped in the castle in the painting, and they need to cross the room to the bookcase or they're dead. Prue asks who he is. He's Malcolm, and he thought she was going to help him, not join him. Prue gets her bitch on, or rather, she turns her bitch up, and explains that she was helping him and he was supposed to come out. They run to the bookcase. Prue uses her telekinesis to stop the fireballs. Malcolm shows her into a hidden room. The suspense has me on the edge of my seat, trying to reach the plate of Toaster Strudel I placed on the floor.
Halliwell Manor. The day. Piper enters the kitchen, followed by Kit "Feed Me" Bigglesworth. Piper's wearing a light blue leisure suit. Phoebe the newly minted Nobel Prize-winner for physics is wearing pigtails and overalls. Don't ask me why -- the only remotely intelligent person I've ever seen in overalls was Sam Shepard. Piper asks Pheebs "what's up." Phoebe replies, "The Dow Jones, housing prices, and the Space Shuttle Discovery." Excuse me, but the ability to glance at the top fold of USA Today does not evince a high IQ. Piper's worried about Prue's absence, and figures out that she didn't come home the night before. She notices that the cat hasn't been fed, coffee hasn't been made, and one glance in the refrigerator (!?!) tells her that Prue didn't pack a lunch that day. Piper: Perhaps Prue met with some harm due to the painting? Phoebe recites some actuarial figures, concluding that there's less than a 3.3 percent chance of that. Piper gapes and exclaims, "You're like ask.rainman.com!" She asks if Pheebs has been in the BoS. Phoebe lies and denies this. Piper doesn't buy it, but "doesn't have the time for this." She goes to find Prue. Phoebe asks her about meeting Dan at the nightclub for the construction estimate. Piper asks Pheebs to go in her place. Phoebe is getting "a vibe" that Piper "likes" Dan. Piper blows this off, and asks Phoebe to give her the Dan details later. Phoebe: "Like what he was wearing?" The departed Piper's off-camera dub: "No." Heh.
PBN Castle. Prue and Malcolm bickering. Wah wah doesn't like witches wah wah she's a good witch wah wah he dated a witch then dumped her and she cursed him into the painting wah wah how did he see the underwriting wah wah an X-ray just like you wah wah must have really pissed "Nell" off wah wah been there seventy years wah wah, wah wah wah wah. Prue is confident she won't be trapped there that long, because she has two sisters, they have powers too, and there's only thirty minutes left in the episode.
Nightclub façade. "Industrial Zone" is gone. There's a new sign -- a pink triangle with "P's" or "P3" on it or something -- giving me the hope that the Halliwells will open up a gay bar that'll be frequented by the nellie Paul Lynde-ish warlocks they used to show on Bewitched. Phoebe meets Dan inside. Since she's a construction expert, she's now wearing a midriff-baring low-cut white t-shirt, tight capri pants, and a hardhat. Dan gives her the code violation documents. Miss October from the Snap-On Tools Calendar informs him that she's "very knowledgeable about all areas of construction." Dan asks about Piper. Pheebs says she couldn't be there. Love triangle brewing? Sweeps month, perhaps.
BAH. Piper in Prue's office. She finds Prue's jacket and purse. She spots the painting X-ray and starts to recite the Latin spell but is interrupted by Sideshow Joe. He's come to move the painting. Piper's sorry. Sideshow Joe: "For what?" Piper, freezing him: "For this." Piper's so thoughtful it's scary. She grabs the painting and leaves.
PBN Castle. Malcolm and Prue arguing some more about a plan to go past the fireballs and write an SOS on the window. Prue thinks if they change "HELP" to "NELL," the other Ps will figure it out with the help of the BoS. Before they can get to the window, the room starts to quake because the painting's in transit. They duck under a table and fight some more. There's a big hint that Malcolm's really evil because he goes all chauvinist about waiting all this time and a woman came to save him. Prue, who might cut him some slack for being sheltered from contemporary gender politics, just replies: "Keep waiting, pal."
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe on the phone with the tech firm: "Hello, this is Phoebe Halliwell. I'd like to set up an appointment to return my aptitude test. By five tomorrow? Great." Hangs up. Cut to Receptionist, rolling her eyes up to her phone headset. Oh, wait, I only imagined that part. Piper enters with the painting. Phoebe tells her that Dan will have her estimate by tomorrow. Piper has bigger problems, because she thinks Prue's in the painting. She shows Pheebs the Latin words on the X-ray. Phoebe's all concerned. NOT! She takes the time to answer all the questions on the "final round" of an episode of Win Ben Stein's Money. (Well, at least the clip wasn't from done-to-death Jeopardy!.) Piper gapes, then calls her on using witchcraft to wise up. Phoebe blah blah wanted to get Prue's car fixed blah blah smart spell the only way. Excuse me? Couldn't she have cast a car-fixing spell and eliminated all the rigmarole? Piper wails on her about using spells for personal gain, and adds, "There will be consequences." Let's all cry a river for Pheebs as she justifies her duplicity because she was so intimidated by the college grads at the interview. Piper blah blah Pheebs has smarts Piper will never have yada yada Pheebs can always go back to college blather. Then Piper makes a very good point -- what was Phoebe going to do once she got the tech job and the spell wore off later? Phoebe, who in my opinion will always have a permanent seating assignment on the short bus: "I thought I'd worry about it later." She snits up the stairs. Piper calls after her to help translate the Latin spell on the X-ray. Phoebe turns to see Piper sucked into the painting. Ruh-roh!
PBN Castle. Piper appears in the front room, fleeing from a fireball. Prue whisks it away from her. Prue calls her sis over toward the bookcase. Another fireball heads towards them, but Piper freezes it. They run into the hidden chamber. Piper whines about breaking the heel on her shoe. Malcolm: "Don't tell me she's the sister witch who's going to save us?" The Ps: Arms folded, bitches on.
So there's this ad for this really funny new comedy that's coming out in which people think Matthew Perry's character is gay, so he runs shrieking in terror down the street, but when Neve Campbell's character admits she had lesbian experience, Matthew is all, "Cool!" I think it's called Double Standard to Tango, and it should be a big hit with the bigoted and self-loathing!
PBN Castle. Piper bitching about being "trapped in a painting hanging on a wall wearing a broken shoe." Before I can ponder how a wall can wear shoes, Prue announces a plan: they'll put a message on the window in the front room to signal Phoebe. Prue, in a possible shout-out to my first recap: "Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out this situation's pretty bad." Piper gets all excited. She fills Prue in on Phoebe becoming "a genius, a super-witch." Prue, in disbelief: "You're not helping the situation." Piper continues to describe Pheebs as "a walking brain trust, an Einstein with cleavage." She explains the smart spell. Prue: "What!?" Piper adds that they need to get the new message on that window soon, before the spell ends that night. They get into gear.
Halliwell Manor. The clock shows six-fifteen. Phoebe comes downstairs with the BoS. She places it on a table and starts to fan through it. The doorbell rings. "Who is it?" Ugh. It's Jenny. Phoebe: "Unless it's a huge 911, sweetie, you're going to have to come back later." Word, Pheebs. Unless the brat came over to borrow a heaping cup of shut-up, don't let her in. Of course, Jenny rings the doorbell again. Phoebe goes to answer it. I think Jenny is the worst new cast member of any TV show ever, and I'm old enough to remember the anguish caused when Quinn Cummings joined the regulars on Family.
PBN Castle. Piper heads toward the front window while freezing fireballs and telling Prue that if they get out of there alive, Prue owes her a new pair of shoes. Prue says if they get out, she'll buy Piper the purse to match. Heh. More bickering. Malcolm warns Piper not to get too close to the window. Huge swords come out of the wall and trap Piper in place. For the radio listeners, Prue wails, "Hah! Hah! Blades!" Prue asks if she's okay. Piper can't reach the window, and if she moves, she's "sliced and diced." Prue mind-moves the swords out of the way. Piper writes "NELL" backwards on the window and the sisters bolt back towards the bookcase. Piper thinks "it's a good thing [Nell] had a short name."
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe and Jenny on the couch. Phoebe disbelieving that Dan thought Piper was a sexpert. Jenny admits she's too embarrassed to tell Dan that she knows about sex already, and just wants to hang with Pheebs and watch some television. Jenny spots the movement in the castle window in the painting. Phoebe has her go into the other room to fetch a pen. While Jenny's occupied, she spies the word "NELL" with a magnifying glass. Jenny comes back and Pheebs thankfully prepares the bum's rush for her by drawing a quick diagram on a piece of paper and sending Jenny on her merry way. Woo hoo! In front of the manor, Jenny looks at the doodle -- it's a drawing of an egg cell called "Us" and several sperms swimming toward it labeled "Them" -- as the Guitar Twang Of Diminished Comic Expectations taken from the Seventh Heaven soundtrack plays in the background. Jenny shakes her head and moves on, hopefully to find some traffic in which to play.
Street outside Halliwell Manor. TC stalking from a car. She bites her lip and puts on some sunglasses.
Inside the manor. The clock now reads six thirty. Phoebe flips through the BoS, calling, "Nell, Nell. Find me, Nell." The pages stop. Phoebe praises herself as a "super-smart witch." She reads passages in Latin. Blah blah in the 1920s a witch named Nell trapped a powerful warlock blah blah hidden spell in a painting blah blah how do I get sisters out blah blah blah blah. She finds a "freeing" spell. Thinks out loud how she can get the words to the Ps without getting trapped inside the painting herself. Mrs. Bigglesworth enters the room and meows. Phoebe: "No, I couldn't." Owen: "No, you can't, because cats don't speak Latin and you couldn't figure out how to pour pee out of a boot."
PBN Castle. The hard Ps and Malcolm in the back chamber. Prue suggests that someone wait outside of the bookcase for a response from Phoebe. Malcolm volunteers. Prue expresses her doubts about Malcolm's identity to Piper because she doubts that a mortal could have put a "HELP" message on the window without having special powers to avoid the pitfalls in the front room. They both hear a "whoosh" and enter the front room. Malcolm spots Mrs. Bigglesworth wearing a message attached to her collar. Mrs. B hisses at him. Malcolm grabs her and starts to read Phoebe's "freeing" spell. Prue and Piper figure out the what. Piper tries to freeze him. He starts to blip around the room, demonstrating his warlock "blinking" power. He finishes reciting the spell and exits the scene while making a "V for Victory" arm gesture. Prue says she thought he was an innocent who needed help. Piper: "I'm not talking to you." Heh.
Halliwell Manor. Malcolm appears in front of Phoebe. He thanks her for freeing him. She figures out he's a warlock. He praises her for being a smart witch wah wah TC is his lover and a warlock too wah wah been trying to get him out for seventy years wah wah waiting for the Charmed Ones wah wah, wah wah wah wah. Suddenly, Phoebe kickboxes him in the chest and backflips away. Now I enjoy some Buffy-esque ass-kicking as much as the guy, but Pheebs' explanation for her new skill is incredibly lame: She read a "jay kwan doh" manual earlier. So now she's a black belt. Actually a "seventh degree" black belt. A master. Sure, because reading a book = mastering a physical skill. What. E. Ver. Malcolm blinks out of the house after warning Phoebe that he'll be back to see "how smart and powerful [she] is when [her] spell ends at seven." Malcolm meets up with TC in a major PDA on the sidewalk. TC wants to "get out of here." Malcolm wants to stick around, because he has a gift for her -- Phoebe's power. And he's going to get "revenge, and two more powers." They make out some more.
Psst ... this is just a guess, but I predict that the winners of the Warner Brother Radio Music Awards will all be from the same record company, or from radio stations with play lists stocked with songs from recording artists for that very same record company.
PBN Castle. Kit meows. The hard Ps are slumped on the floor. Some very sick-making blather about how both of them have all of the confidence in the world in Phoebe's intelligence. They agree that if they make it out of there, they'll buy Phoebe new shoes and a purse. I hope they get rescued soon, because there's obviously serious oxygen deprivation in that chamber.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe tries frantically to find the "freeing" spell in the BoS again. The clock strikes seven. She locates the right pages but can't translate Latin anymore. Malcolm blinks into the foyer and lets TC in the front door. She greets Phoebe, makes a finger flame and lights the painting on fire. Phoebe wails and Malcolm holds her back. Phoebe spots the X-ray and recites the "sucking" spell while grabbing TC. All three are sent into the burning painting.
PBN Castle. The hard Ps smell fire and figure out that Malcolm had something to do with it. Phoebe appears, followed by Malcolm and TC. Piper's glad to see Phoebe alive. Phoebe: "Let's keep it that way." Prue gives TC the stink-eye. Malcolm calls them "stupid witches" while looking for the "freeing" spell in his pockets. Phoebe holds up the cat collar and asks, "Looking for this?" She tells Piper to freeze the Warlocks. They remember to grab Kit, recite the escape spell, and book out of there, leaving Malcolm and TC to burn to death.
Halliwell Manor. Prue extinguishing the fire, leaving a charred picture frame. She states that she "didn't want them to die, just wanted them trapped in the painting forever." The other Ps are glad the painting's gone for good. One last thing -- just how did Phoebe get the collar away from Malcolm? Why, she picked his pocket! Phoebe beams, and basks in "Oh, Alice" looks (tm Mr. Stupidhead) from the hard Ps.
P3 Nightclub. Piper, sitting at the bar with Dan, looks at the construction estimate. The remodeling will cost a quarter of a million dollars and require a crew of seventy-five. Piper's "not feeling real guilty about not helping Jenny with her paper." As if she should! Dan admits that the estimate was genius Phoebe's. Piper asks if Dan can fix up her place "cheap and quick." He's hired, and it's hard cheese on Leo as his role as "handyman/love interest" is usurped. Piper goes back to work, and we cut to Prue wearing an ugly "do" rag on her head and Phoebe wearing another frightful peasant blouse, giggling and sitting on their asses (natch) on a couch. Dan comes up to Pheebs and asks if she has a minute. He gives her the sperm and egg diagram and lectures her about the importance of Jenny doing her own paper in her own writing, "using her own smarts." What the? Phoebe says she understands. Dan leaves. Before you can ask, "Ah, but what did we really learn from the latest adventure of the Halliwell sisters?" Phoebe monologues about the smart spell causing her to discover a lot of "cool information out there" (dude!) and the desire to take some "night classes." Prue urges her, "Just don't lose that common sense!" Shah, right. Phoebe then rips up her aptitude test form and gives up "the job [she] won't be getting." Piper joins the other Ps and they present Pheebs with her saving-the-day gifts -- some pretty whorish black high heels with ankle straps and a mismatched tan pleather handbag with a side panel of green striped Muppet fur. (AM's brief modeling pose with the purse was pretty funny, I must admit.) Then the viewers get thwacked repeatedly with the iron-skillet exclamations of "Smart lady!" and "Pure genius!" from the hard Ps. Since the director still hasn't yelled "Cut!" the Ps all grab the sex doodle and Phoebe names the egg "Piper" and the sperm "Dan" and the actresses titter their way to the end of another episode.