Episode Report Card 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT The Painted World
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.13.1999
BAH. Prue and TC conversing in the office in Tori Spelling-ish Dramatic Whispers. Prue knows TC doesn't want to be there, and that there's something strange about the painting. TC offers this long monologue about the previous owners of the painting being driven crazy by their sightings of the man in the castle. She urges Prue to sell the painting as soon as she can, adding, "Trust me when I tell you, it's only going to get worse." Word on this episode's meta-statement, although I had to turn my television's volume up to eleven to hear it. Do y'all remember when Joey on Friends taught soap-opera acting at the Learning Annex? Because I think Tori has a similar classroom set up on the Spelling Productions lot.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe's bedroom. She's copying down a spell from the BoS. Piper knocks at the door. Phoebe wants to be alone. Piper promises she won't be long. Pheebs hides the BoS under the bedspread. Piper enters in a very garish lycra green and grey batik print top. She just wants to tell Phoebe that the body shop called with the estimate on Prue's car, and wants to know if Pheebs has informed Prue. Phoebe knows that Prue already knows the estimate, because she called the shop herself. Phoebe blathers on about how she has to get the tech job, to earn the money "to set things right." Owen adds that Phoebe might want to stop all of these golly-I-need-to-earn-some-extra-money-because-I-broke-the-neighbor's-window-hitting-a-baseball schemes and get a job because she's a grown woman who's unemployed and should pay her share of the rent and utilities and maybe, just maybe, earn some self-respect. Piper reiterates that Phoebe should have come clean with Prue earlier to begin with. Phoebe, all self-flagellation: "A smart person would have figured that out! A smart person wouldn't have backed their car into a pole! A smart person would have realized it was a $1200 pole! That's why smart people don't do stupid things, only stupid people do!" Thank god Piper doesn't buy into Pheeb's passive-aggressive agenda to be told how smart she really is, replying only that she didn't want to upset Phoebe. Phoebe suggests maybe they can talk later. Piper, smelling some shit brewing, adds that she knows Phoebe thinks "getting the job is the answer, but don't do anything ..." Phoebe: "Stupid?" Piper: "Just don't do anything I wouldn't do." She exits. Phoebe pulls out the BoS and says, "Don't worry. I won't. You would never cast a smart spell," as if she found a big loophole or something. Our Phoebe -- both mentally and morally challenged. She finishes writing out the spell, folds it up and holds it to her forehead. To the tinkling music of a thousand wind chimes, she provides the Hallmark Moment of the episode: Spirits send the words/ From all across the land/ Allow me to absorb them/ Through the touch of either hand/ For twenty-four hours from seven to seven/ I will understand all meaning of the words from heaven to heaven. She adds: "Oh, and P.S. There will be no personal gain." She then speed flips through the pages of a dictionary and thinks she's pretty smart for knowing the definitions of the words "abaca" and "zygote." If she's so smart, why doesn't she remember last episode, in which, due to her maverick witchcraft-abusing ways, the flames rose to her Roman nose and her Walkman started to melt? And what word does she choose to describe her newly acquired, hugely improved vocabulary? "Cool." My point? I know it's in stock, but I'm not buying this genius thing.
BAH. Night. Prue's office. Joe, a dread-locked earring-sporting menial, brings in the castle painting. Prue tells him, "That was fast." Sideshow Joe tells her there wasn't a line at the X-ray machine. Prue asks if the painting's authenticity was confirmed. Joe gives her the X-ray, which reveals "definite underwriting" on the canvas. Prue pores over the X-ray and starts to recite the words. Sideshow Joe interrupts her by exclaiming, "Wow! You speak Latin?" Prue gives him a killer "carpe duh" look, and replies, " ... Yes. Goodnight, Joe." Sideshow Joe tells her he'll return the painting to the vault tomorrow. Prue tells him that's a good idea. He leaves. Prue glances at the painting and the window glows again. She grabs her magnifying glass and sees the word HELP written on the glass. She freaks, and goes to the X-rayed inscription, reciting "Absolvo Amitto/ Amplus Brevis/ Semper Meo" ("Set free what is lost/ Say these words/ Mine forever"). ["Not to nitpick or anything, but both Prue’s grammatical Latin and her translation of it are incorrect." -- Sars] Prue's sucked into the painting, landing on all fours in a candle-lit room. She nervously looks around, and puts a hunk of hair behind her ear. Can we get a barrette in this scene? Stat!