Episode Report Card Chuck: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Men Behaving Badly
By Chuck | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.12.2002
Rebadow is obviously serious (like cancer -- ha ha!) about his research; at lights out, he keeps reading. Next day, he's online (guess that answers my question about the Web), and, after ingesting a journal and a website -- eureka! -- he's found the cure for cancer. It's lapashel (I refuse so much as an attempt to verify the spelling, so don't get all huffy with me if you actually know it), an herb from the rainforests of Paraguay. Rebadow has huge ears (but not as big as Martha Stewart's -- if you notice, they're always covered in pictures, but I saw a 60 Minutes story on her once; she pushed back her hair and I almost fell over. Bet you're all thrilled with that tidbit), and I love his neckerchief. A small way to make a big statement. Unfortunately, lapashel is an evergreen that boasts over 100 species; identifying the one that actually works takes time and lots of money. Rebadow vows to raise the money to finance the research; though I'd generally be skeptical of such claims, the man did just discover the cure for cancer, so I think he's really got it in him. Never underestimate a man in a neckerchief.
Back in the videopod, Hill lists a few laws which can be found on the books around our fine country, which will lead to punishment if violated: in Rhode Island, it is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley; in the state of Washington, all lollipops are banned; in Indiana, no baths may be taken between October and March; in San Francisco, one cannot pick up and throw used confetti; while in North Carolina, it is illegal for dogs and cats to fight. That last one, observes Hill, goes against the laws of nature, since dogs and cats are born enemies. Or have men just created the natural law that they are enemies?
Stanton gets wheeled into the infirmary, kicking and flailing and whining like a baby, after receiving a trauma to the head. He tells Dr. Nathan that he doesn't love her; after getting over her initial sadness, she wonders why. Stanton tells her that Leo thinks he (Stanton) is obsessed with her (Nathan's) tits (while he eyes them), which makes Nathan even more upset that she's not the object of Stanton's adoration. Stanton suddenly starts freaking out and yelling that Nathan has to tell Leo he's an innocent man; he pushes the guard away and grabs Nathan's coat, which freaks her out. Ryan, lurking around the infirmary as usual, sees the commotion and punches Stanton in the head. Nathan says she was handling the situation just fine (Ryan, like myself, doesn't think so) and tells him to get the fuck out of her life. Done. Good. Fine. Bye.
Montgomery, in the food line, tells Ryan he wants some more beets -- oh, yeah, and some more money to keep his mouth shut about lying to the warden. This guy's been in Oz for three years and doesn't know that you don't fuck with Ryan O'Reily? He deserves whatever's about to come his way. Ryan says he'll meet him in the library later to discuss the terms of their deal. Talking to Dotcommer, who looks like someone attacked him with blusher, Ryan laments Montgomery's greed before deciding that he'll miss the library rendezvous and will send Stanton in his place. Ryan tracks down Stanton trying to lift weights; when Stanton jumps up and tells Ryan to leave him alone, the latter muses that they got off on the wrong foot and actually have something in common -- they're both suspects in the Keenan murder. They both have eyewitnesses who claim they saw them do the deed. Now, says Ryan, I'm not sure who's fingering me (can't turn around that far, eh?) but I know who's been talking smack about you. Stanton wants to know, but Ryan professes reluctance to spill the beans, as Stanton might do something crazy. Tell me. No. Tell me. No. Tell me. No. The exchange involved a lot of "fucks," but this is a family site, y'all. Martin Montgomery, says Ryan, and Stanton goes ballistic, calls MM a "cunt," and stalks him to the library, where he plunges a Paper Mate pen into his neck. And Peter Criss and his bad hair go off to prisoner heaven. Wonder if Paper Mate paid for that little product plug.