Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on November 5, 2001
Poor Man's Denzel compromises on the wording of the speech and kisses her goodnight so she can go off and write thank-you notes.It's 12:03:25 AM at Casa Kiefer, a white bungalow with a neat lawn, black shutters, and a big red brick chimney. "You're having trouble, Dad," says a voice from inside. Inside, Kiefer and Spawn of Kiefer, a poor man's Erika Christensen (or maybe a poor man's Jennifer Jason Leigh?) are playing chess in a homey but opulent living room full of Asian collectible decorative arts. "At last!" cries America (or at least 7.5 percent of its Nielsen families). "Kiefer!" We're all dying to know how he looks; no one's seen him since his fiancé Julia Roberts took a look at her Pretty Woman box office returns, realized she'd be marrying beneath her, and decided to dump his ass and run off to Ireland with his best friend Jason Patric, leaving his career a black smoldering hole. We all, like Kiefer, wonder how things would be different if she hadn't left him at the altar…and simply divorced him thirty-two days later like she did to Dwight Yoakam…I mean Lyle Lovett. Well, I'm happy to report that time has been kind to Kiefer. He's wearing his "cool dad" outfit, which consists of an cobalt blue athletic t-shirt over a white undershirt, charcoal grey stretch pants, and Nike running shoes with no socks. For some reason he has a folded-up newspaper in his hand, even though he's playing chess with his daughter. Maybe he swats her over the head with it when she plays badly? They have an expository conversation about the fact that he's just moved back home after having a big marital spat with Bride of Kiefer. Spawn of Kiefer, who looks like she's thirty, dressed in a big pink fluffy robe with tendrils of blonde hair peeking out from her oh-so-casual French-braided hairstyle is sent to bed, 'cause after all it's a school night.
On her way to her room, she walks through the Casa Kiefer Kitchen; her mother, Bride of Kiefer, is sitting at a breakfast nook which seems to have been purchased at Workbench, doing work at a wafer-thin laptop. Although she's wearing a cool-mom outfit consisting of a sage-colored Lycra long-sleeved workout top and a cream-colored pair of stretch pants, Spawn of Kiefer gives her mother the cold shoulder and stomps off to bed. Bride of Kiefer buries her head in her manicured hand. Kiefer, who's seen the whole brush-off, comes in to comfort her. BOK looks a good two or three years older than her daughter and has this hairstyle I can only describe as unfortunate. It looks like the kind of haircut you give yourself when you're six.