Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: C YOU GRADE IT The Short And Unhappy Marriage Of Raige Matthews-Mitchell
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.22.2006
Back inside The Hagquarters, Phoebe and The Ultimate Maggot Neck open the door to find Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty lurking on the welcome mat. "What happened to you?" The Ultimate Retard gasps. "Piper attacked me!" Chrissssty seethes, displaying her injured arm. Phoebe's all, "Come in and we can talk about this," but Chrissssty's having none of it. "I'm not coming in," Chrissssty snarls. "[My maggoty-necked retard of a sister] is coming out." Everyone stares at each other for a while until the next commercial break swallows them whole.
The Ultimate Retard and Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty emerge from The Hagquarters onto the street, and Chrissssty starts right in with the whole "The Manor Morons are selfish bitches!" spiel she and Creo had earlier agreed upon. Maggot Neck orders Chrissssty back to the (Berkeley! BERKELEY!) dorm room while she herself heads over to the Manor to confront Piper and Raige. As The Ultimate Retard disappears down the sidewalk, Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty gets a devilish glint in her eye. Had she a moustache, she'd be twirling it right now.
Speaking of moustaches: Raige. Yaaaaaaawn. Despite Ivan Sergei's best efforts, I cannot care about this subplot, especially when he himself aggravates, "You were losing yourself? What does that even mean?" Exactly. They eventually conclude...I don't know. That a marriage is greater than the sum of its parts? I haven't a clue. Nor do I care, because BORING! and BEEN THERE AND BACK FORTY-SEVEN TIMES IN THE LAST EIGHT YEARS! and CANCELLED! There's a vaguely amusing bit with one of Henry's parolees catching Henry apparently canoodling with himself in the office mirror before Henry sighs, "We have to do something about this, fast." "I couldn't agree more," Raige bites from inside his head, and with that, Henry dissolves into an upward-drifting cloud of orbs that...
...plops him down in the middle of the Manor kitchen, right in front of a startled Piper. Phoebe, by the way, has somehow managed to get herself showered, powdered, dressed, and over to the Manor in the three minutes it took the preceding two scenes to play out. This stupid, awful, stupid, evil show. "Whoa," Henry -- adorably, endearingly -- Keanus upon coagulating next to the center island. "Whoa yourself," Piper retorts. "How'd you do that?" Henry -- adorably, endearingly -- explains the sitch and points the finger of blame at Stoop. Phoebe's supremely unsurprised to learn that her Cupid did something so egregiously stupid. Piper, meanwhile, has more pressing concerns. "You need to get him to undo it!" she testily intones. "We need the Power of Three to find the Noxon." "I think I might be able to do it from here," Raige yells inside her poor husband's head. Henry -- adorably, endearingly -- relates this information to Piper and the Feebs just as the creak of the opening front door hits their ears.