Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: C YOU GRADE IT The Short And Unhappy Marriage Of Raige Matthews-Mitchell
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.22.2006
...All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and BORING! Stoop's giving Michael a Phoebe-related pep-talk during which it becomes clear that Michael's a douchebag and Stoop is falling in love with Phoebe himself. It's also clear, if it hadn't been before, that Stoop is the worst Cupid ever, because did I mention that Michael's a douchebag? Why in hell would Stoop set one of his charges up with this tool? I suppose we're meant to believe that his burgeoning feelings for the Feebs are clouding his professional judgment, but whatever. CANCELLED! Long story short, Stoop orders Douchey Michael to meet him outside The Hagquarters with a dozen long-stemmed red roses, and Douchey Michael skips out of the office just as Raige arrives to ask for a little identity-crisis-related advice, and I care not at all about this asinine subplot, so let's cut to the chase: Raige claims she'll be fine with whatever help Stoop can offer her, so he activates his chunky opal ring and waves it around in front of her face. Raige instantly glows pink and evaporates. Ruh-roh! By the way, we learned during all of that that Raige and Henry's wedding supposedly occurred a mere two weeks ago. Shut up, show.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. Darling Henry's head glows pink to herald the arrival of tonight's wacky Wiccan hijinks, and Ivan Sergei amuses me to no end by blinking and flapping his hand around his head as if Stoop's mystical mojo were a particularly irritating insect. Raige's voice eventually calls out, "Henry?" Darling Hank's all, "Where the hell are you?" and Raige is all, "I have no fucking idea," before she manages to rub a couple of her remaining brain cells together and orders him to the mirror rather conveniently hanging on his office wall. Darling Henry wigs when, as anyone who's seen All Of Me would expect, he finds Raige peering back at him in the glass. Raige, instantly irritated, screams for Stoop while Darling Henry gapes and goggles and makes with the "What the fuck is this?" jazz hands.
The Hagquarters. The camera pans down from The Ultimate Retard slumbering in the boudoir to land on Phoebe, tapping away at her laptop until she notices that someone has been peppering her glass balcony doors with pebbles. She emerges onto said balcony to find Douchey Michael standing in the middle of the street below, and I simply cannot tolerate the Cyrano De Bergerac rip-off that follows, especially because the characters here involved include a desiccated hag, a douchebag toolbox we'll never see again after tonight, and an admittedly hot but nevertheless gibbering idiot, so know this: Stoop feeds Douchey Michael all of the gooily romantic lines the latter tosses up at the Feebs, who seems smitten despite herself. Regardless, she rather rudely instructs Douchey Michael to leave the roses on her building's front steps when someone begins pounding on The Hagquarters's door. And...scene? Yeah. Scene.