Episode Report Card Gustave: B | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT It's one o'clock -- do you know where your Kiefer is?
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 2 | Aired on 11.12.2001
Back at CTU, Kiefer is on the phone with someone we can't see from Palmer's security team. He warns them about the assassination attempt. From Kiefer's end of the conversation, it sounds like they're either not taking him seriously or they can't even conceive of a way to make Palmer any safer than he already is. I can imagine the guy on the other end of the line being like, "Yo, bitch! We're the ones guarding a black presidential candidate. Who the hell would know the meaning of the word 'vigilant' better than us? I certainly wouldn't have left that skinny bitch Julia run off to Ireland with my best friend on our wedding day. Don't you know you ain't never supposed to let your woman hold on to her own passport before you marry her?" Kiefer promises to brief the Palmer security team "in an hour" so that they don't have to pay the actors playing them until the next episode starts being shot. Kiefer's cell rings. "Teri?" he cries expectantly. You see, Teri is Bride of Kiefer's real name, and he's expecting to hear that she found Spawn at the furniture store. Nope -- it's Walsh, trying to foil the snipers and get the hard information to a safe place. Everyone needs a piece of Kiefer tonight. Kiefer begs Walsh to get some other agent to pick him up, but only the Kiefer will do for Walsh. "I'll be on the roof," says Walsh as a shot is heard on Walsh's end and the connection is broken. The time is 1:12:58 AM.
At 01:17:48, the screen splits into three to show us (clockwise from top left) Mr. York looking confused next to a potted plant, the exterior of Bad Teen Convertibles, and Kiefer's eyes reflected in a rearview mirror. Bride of Kiefer is going through the records of the furniture store when her phone rings. It's Kiefer in the Kiefmobile. Bride of Kiefer tells Kiefer that Spawn is nowhere to be found, and deduces that they left with the boys. Kiefer asks her if Mr. York knows the boys. Bride replies that he doesn't, but one of them works at the store. "Can't you get over here?" asks Bride. Kiefer says he can't: "Some bad things are happening tonight." Bride makes a passive-aggressive crack about their daughter being missing not being considered a "bad thing" by Kiefer. Kiefer tries to calm Bride of Kiefer down by telling her that Spawn is just "partying" and knows her limits. "Maybe you should come over here and see those limits for yourself," says Bride hysterically. Um, Bride? She used a condom. And it was her friend who used it anyway. Chill. Bride tells Kiefer that she and York will wait there for the girls to come back to their car, and that Kiefer should call her as soon as he's finished with his "emergency." Kiefer apologizes for not being there and proceeds to drive really really fast.