Episode Report Card Gustave: B | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT It's one o'clock -- do you know where your Kiefer is?
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 2 | Aired on 11.12.2001
Terrorista Mandy is hot. She's on fire. No, I'm being literal. Mandy has made a big fire in the middle of the desert, and she's sitting beside it and staring at it like it's the CNN ticker. Maybe she's doing some martial arts meditation or some witchcraft. Maybe she's stewing over the fact that she just made a couple hundred people go up in flames. Who knows? She hears a vehicle approaching, so she takes Eurotrash's press pass, puts it in a custom fitted high-tech case that seems to have a tracking device on it, buries it in the sand, and, uh, puts on her clothes. But don't worry, she won't have them on for much longer. A jeep pulls up. "Did you get the ID?" says her compadre coldly. Hey, what the hell? No "Good job, Terrorista Mandy!"? How are the people in this terrorist group gonna do their jobs effectively with so little positive reinforcement? This girl just serviced an egotistical Eurotrash photographer in order to get his press pass and blew up a plane. Give her some props! The jeep takes off, and a chick on a motorcycle drives up quietly and, using a homing device, locates the ID in the sand.
Back at CTU, Soul Patch, who by some huge miracle isn't cleaning out his desk, stirs the pot a little more. He goes over to Nina's desk and accuses her of making up the Xander story to save Jack's ass. "Maybe I should ask Mason what really happened," says Soul Patch. "A presidential candidate's life is at stake," says Nina, getting back some of the respect among her co-workers that she lost the day she slept with every single man in the office. "Maybe you should get back to work." Soul Patch does just that, but that's not the last we've heard about Kiefer and Mason from Soul Patch.
At 1:07:33 AM, Bride of Kiefer and Mr. York find Bad Teen Convertibles, the furniture store where Spawn of Kiefer, Poor Man's Mena Suvari, and the two evil frat boys met for their double date earlier that evening. Mr. York approaches the front door and goes inside. Apparently, they left it unlocked. Bride of Kiefer follows York inside, and they both call out their kids' names. Her cell rings. It's Kiefer wanting an update. BOK explains that they just got there and they'll call him if they find anything. Kiefer wants to remain on hold in case she needs anything. BOK brushes his offer aside and hangs up on him. She passes a table that has empty beer bottles and drug paraphernalia on it. Can I just interrupt here and ask what kind of teenagers are we bringing up as a nation that they buy drug paraphernalia, party with it, and leave it at the party? Don't these teenagers have any respect for their own possessions or know the value of a dollar earned from a part-time minimum-wage job? Don't these spoiled kids realize that there are people in the Middle East right now risking their lives so that we might enjoy cherished freedoms like the right to purchase mini-bongs at a head shop and use them in the privacy of our own parents' homes? And furthermore, how disrespectful is it to trash a place where you can party unsupervised? If I had access to an entire furniture store where me and my friends could drink beer, have sex in beds, smoke pot, and park my Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence for free, I'd make sure the place was in its original condition by the time I left. Hell, I'd have the carpets steamed every week. It's not that I'm a neat freak or anything. It's just that all it takes is one bong-water spill on a showroom sofa or an abandoned empty atop an entertainment center and before you know it, the owners have installed motion detector alarms or, even worse, video cameras. And when that happens, you can say adios to your perfect party spot. Dude, if the kids keep acting all stupid like this, the terrorists have already won, okay? But I digress. York comes downstairs with proof that Poor Man's Mena Suvari and Spawn of Kiefer were here: an empty condom wrapper. What did he do up there? Run a DNA test on the fluids? How the hell would he know it was their kids? And why the long faces? Couldn't they at least rejoice in the knowledge that their kids were using condoms?