Episode Report Card Owen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT How To Make A Quilt Out Of Americans
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.05.2000
Gail Manor. The coven stands in the basement, holding hands with the sick-making, skin-suited dummy in the middle of their circle, while Hallmarking, We call the demon Cheeto/ Out across the ages/ Humbled by his power/ We invite him into our circle. The mannequin begins to glow and smoke. The elderly witches gasp. The dummy turns into the naked form of the actor Cameron Bancroft, looking well rested but visibly aged from his stint on 90210 as Tori Spelling's California University football star/love interest. Cheeto checks out his new skin and says, "Well done, ladies." Cameron has gained this deep, projecting-to-the-back-row Master Thespian voice, which makes me suspect that The Mister is getting a lot of headaches these days from his stable of actors thinking they have the same chances as Hilary Swank of breaking free from Spelling Productions and appearing triumphantly at the Oscar podium. Helen beams at Cheeto, and demands, "Now! Make us young!" Cheeto: "First, what you promised." Gail gulps and promises him, "They'll be here -- soon."
Hey, if I use OB, "there's nothing [I] can't do," including snowboarding down what looks to be Mount McKinley. I'm going to rule the planet.
Gas station in Santa Costa. Piper's SUV pulls up. The Ps step out. Prue is wearing brown slacks and a chamois jacket, Piper is in a tasteful charcoal pantsuit, and Phoebe has paired her leopard-trimmed GapKids jacket with a baby tee and flared hard-denim Bedazzled jeans. Piper bitches to Pheebs about her poor navigation making them "a couple of hours late." Phoebe blames the map she's holding. Prue locates the "connector route to Highway 28" that Phoebe missed. Phoebe didn't see the "little squiggle." She then doth protest too much that she "DOESN'T NEED GLASSES!" Prue tells Pheebs that there's nothing wrong with wearing glasses; she wears them. Phoebe: "But you're older." Piper smirks. Prue glares. She hopes that Phoebe won't face the "demon of vanity, or [she'll] be toast." Which might be an unintended dig at Alyssa's browned fake-n-bake complexion, or it might just be dated slang on the writers' part; I'm not positive. Pheebs goes inside the gas station to ask for directions, and also to donate a kidney to finance the full tank of gas that Piper's pumping into the SUV at current California prices. Then Piper sees an old couple walking by, and she and Prue discuss how she'll age but Leo won't. But this show has no continuity anyway, so I'm not sure if we can expect a Highlander rip-off. Piper also adds that she's worried about "ending up like Aunt Gail" -- old and alone. Prue just considers this silently. Cut to Phoebe getting folksy directions from two Grumpy Old Men. The hard Ps call for her. She drops her eyeglasses case as she departs. The old men hold them up; are those her glasses? She LIES and says, "No." (So I guess unemployed student Phoebe has money to burn; my frames and lenses cost far too much money for me to be so casual with them.) She climbs into the short bus, er, the SUV with the hard Ps and blathers that she's gotten directions that are "all words, no squiggles. Let's go!"