Episode Report Card Owen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT How To Make A Quilt Out Of Americans
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.05.2000
Just try to accost me while I have the hard plastic receiver of a pay phone in my hand, Arsenio Hall. Just try. Once.
Annie Lennox sings about "jumping out of that airplane" because she's been reduced to shilling her music on the WB while San Francisco is established as the setting for this show. Halliwell Manor. Cut to Phoebe rummaging through the Props Armoire in the foyer. She find a framed photo and brings it into the parlor, explaining that she "knew we had a picture of [Gail] and Grams somewhere." Don't ask me why it was kept in such a nice frame if they were just going to throw it in drawer. Pheebs plops herself down on the sofa with Gail and Prue. Gail looks at the photo. She marvels at how young they were, and expositions about first meeting Grams at their sorority. So she's not really Halliwell kin; I got that wrong in my recaplet. Sorry. But my mistake is not as grim as the depressing diatribe Gail launches into about one's "golden years" being all about "regret" and how she misses her contemporaries terribly and is always worrying about "when it's [her] time." Cut to Prue and Phoebe putting nooses around their necks. Actually, the lazy Ps get all glassy-eyed, so Gail brings the conversation around to them. She praises their successful career choices (natch), and asks about men in their lives. Prue says that Piper has someone, "kind of." Phoebe admits that the Halliwell sisters are "picky" because they don't want to go through the number of husbands Grams went through. Gail tells the Ps not to be too choosy; "You might end up an old spinster like -- [Ominous Cough]" Prue asks if she's okay. Phoebe hands her a glass of lemonade. Gail blames it on her "allergies." Prue asks why Gail has come to the city. Gail stands up and blathers about how the "bridge club" meetings Grams held when the Ps were little were really coven gatherings. She then dramatically breaks the news to the lazy Ps that Grams was a "witch." Prue and Phoebe try to look surprised. Trust me, two wrongs don't make a right, i.e. bad actresses attempting to play bad actresses doesn't make for good role-playing. Shannen and Alyssa just sit there, catching flies. Phoebe finally queries, "Witch?" Gail admits that she still "practices" herself. Prue deadpans ever so unconvincingly, "Wow you and Grams witches who knew." Gail tells the girls not to pretend with her; their grandmother confided to her long ago that they would be the Charmed Ones. Phoebe still tries to look perplexed, because she's a moron. Prue gives up the act.
P3 After Dark. Cut to Piper behind the bar, looking cross, arms folded to her chest. Dan "ny Boy, the Pipes, the Pipes are Calling" Gordon enters and says, "Hey." He kisses her on the cheek and apologizes for being late, blaming it on "jetlag." So why did he get that stupid superfluous scene in the last episode where he made a date with Piper for dinner the night he got home? Whatever! Piper can't look Dan in the eye as he prattles on. Nice touch, Holly Marie. He's brought Piper a gift in a small jewelry box. Piper exclaims, "Oh no!" and freezes him. She makes a stink-face and whispers, "Please don't be a ring," as she opens the box to find a pair of pearl earrings. She closes the box, sets it on the bar, and unfreezes Dan. He "hopes [she] likes it." Piper (re)opens the box and feigns surprise far better than her siblings in the last scene. She thanks him and immediately looks sad. Dan misinterprets this and tells Piper that if she doesn't like the jewelry, he can return it. Piper: "It's not that, it's . . ." Owen: BREAK UP! Dan: "You thought it was a ring?" Piper, smiling: "No! Of course not. Don't be silly. It's just that . . ." Owen: BREAK UP! Just then the phone rings. Piper decides to let the machine get it. Piper: "We have to talk . . ." Owen: BREAK UP! BREAK UP! BREAK UP! But we hear Prue on the answering machine, blathering, "It's me. I know you're there. Pick up. Aunt Gail is here and guess what? She knows we're you-know-whats." So Piper's forced to pick up the phone to protect her dark secret, instead of shoving Dan down the highway. Khan! At least Piper gets her bitch on and wails on Prue for her indiscretion. She tries to explain that Prue's called "at a bad time" and she really "has to go." Prue, all smug and inconsiderate, says she wanted to get Piper's "attention" because Aunt Gail is in trouble -- "demon trouble." Piper shifts her bitch up to fifth gear and replies, "Okay! WHY NOT? I'll just PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD ONE MORE TIME and BE RIGHT THERE." She slams the phone down. Woo hoo! Go, Piper! Dan must have borrowed Phoebe's one lonely synapse, because he perceives from this display that Piper has "trouble at home." Piper: "When isn't there?" She prepares to leave. Dan wonders if she still wants to "talk." Piper postpones their talk until dinner that night, or rather, dinner the next night "because [she'd] probably have to cancel." Dan says, "It's a date." Owen takes back his belief that Dan is in any way perceptive, if that's what he thinks that dinner will be. Piper looks at him apprehensively as he moves in to kiss her goodbye. He kisses her cheek. She leaves. He notices that she left her earrings on the bar, and pouts.