Episode Report Card Owen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT How To Make A Quilt Out Of Americans
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.05.2000
Kitchen. Pi "Pert Plus" Halliwell is picking up some construction boots with the tips of her fingers like they're someone else's used Kleenex, and putting them in a shopping bag. The lazy Ps enter the room to perform an intervention. Phoebe, with her hands on her hips: "Piper! What are you doing! Those are your favorite boots!" Piper, in a Ling-from-Ally McBeal ponytail and an ugly short-sleeved foil mock-turtleneck, bitches that she "got demon blood on them from one of [their] vanquishings." She can't really explain that to the shoe repair guy, can she? Piper adds disgustedly that it's the "third damn pair" she's ruined this month.
Sidebar. Whatever! For one thing, demon blood? When have we ever seen a demon bleed during a recent vanquishing on this show? (And we know that Warlocks don't bleed.) Once again, I fear that a Halliwell is deluding herself into believing she's on Buffy again. For another thing, they're CONSTRUCTION BOOTS! And they look like cheap Payless-bought ones! I can name several outfitters that charge clueless yuppies an extra forty or fifty bucks to pre-distress a pair of boots like the ones Piper's tossing out! What are these shoes, Piper's dress boots (or, as my gay friends and I call them, "disco" hiking boots)? And, yeah, I know they're supposed to be a metaphor for Piper's growing displeasure with the demon-fighting gig, but couldn't the writers have at least made them suede pumps or something?
Anyway, Piper grabs her purse and coat and prepares to bolt for the nightclub. Prue expositions, "You're really going to break up with Dan?" Piper expositions back that she "has to," because although she loves Dan, she loves Leo more. The lazy Ps just stand there, since I guess they used up their reactions to this conundrum when it was allegedly resolved FOUR EPISODES AGO. Piper makes a stink-face and adds, "Sometimes being a witch sucks." She stomps out. Pheebs blames this on "Wicca PMS." Shut up, hon. Prue thinks it's "more than that." The doorbell rings. The lazy Ps both go to open the door, because Piper's not there and the task is so strenuous one of them alone would be defeated in the attempt. It's Gail the Cauliflowerhead from the prologue scene. The lazy Ps hug her. Gail tries to look all sinister into the camera as they embrace.
Credits. When will the Book of Shadows and the Mirror of Plaintive Contemplation become formal cast members? Sure, they're inanimate, but so's Greg Vaughan and he's in the title sequence.