Episode Report Card Demian: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sand Francisco Dreamin'
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.08.2003
Manor. Marci and Lindsay lug bags of catered snacks into the front hall and dump them next to the piano, atop which sits Slappy The Clown, who is actually Raige's favorite childhood toy. Disturbing. Now that I'm getting a good look at the doll's face, I'm even more impressed with the earlier pre-credits effect. They didn't just add the actor's moving lips to the doll's head -- they had to have frozen everything but the guy's mouth for the shot, then added the doll's body below. It really was damn good. Um, I mean, it really was fairly decent for this show, given the crap they normally toss onto the screen every week. Oh, fuck it. All critical judgment has been siphoned from my brain. Deal with it, kids. Anyway, Cindi and Susan comment on Slappy's creep factor, then belabor Piper with shower plans and such. Piper attempts to push Sylvia and Jackie out the door, but they just. Won't. Leave. This scene is overlong and ultimately pointless because we'll never see Sharon and Tracy again, but you know what? I'm enjoying this episode too much to care. What's Her Name and The Other One eventually exit, and Piper heaves a put-upon sigh.
Up in the attic, Phoebe struggles with the summoning spell's wording. She's distracted, you see, by the thought of a Butcher Boy out there lugging around a buzzing chainsaw with her name on it. She pleads with Hank, begging him to interpret the vision from her subconscious so she can use her conscious mind to conquer it. Or something like that. Whatever. What's important is that Hank doesn't shape dreams, nor can he interpret them, nor can he help conquer the fears those dreams represent. Only the dreamer may do such things. Phoebe absorbs all of this, then refocuses her attention on the task at hand.
Down in the kitchen, Piper and Raige threaten to drag down the episode's high grade with a ham-fisted examination of Raige's true motivation for throwing so elaborate a shower. "It is not every day that a half-Whitelighter/half-witch is born into this world, and we need to celebrate her!" Raige anviliciously insists. Piper wonders if the party isn't more for Raige's benefit than the percolating infant's, like, not too quick on the uptake there, are you, hon? Fortunately, the Dolt puts an end to this tedious crap by entering to insist that they prepare for Kenny G's imminent arrival. Kenny G himself appears at this moment to fling two bagfuls of sparkly CGI dream dust at Piper and Raige, who jitter and twitch and drop to the floor. The Dolt swings into attack mode, but Kenny G sporks him into the pantry with a blazing bolt of electricity. I'd rewind this bit several times for amusement's sake, but the tricky film editor ends this sequence of Dolt abuse with a shot of Brian Krause's enormous ass plowing straight for the camera lens, and once is enough for that shit. Kenny G tosses the contents of another bag onto the Dolt's head, then smears out of the room.
Piper rises from the floor in her wine-red dream gown, and oh. Wow. Ow. Daylight does this thing no favors at all. Upon closer scrutiny, the dress has the unfortunate effect of making Piper look like a giant, blood-colored banana slug waddling around upright on its tail. Nevertheless, my enjoyment of this episode continues undiminished, so I'll just note the absence of the pregnancy pad and move on. Piper panics as a tuxedo-clad Ryder -- bwa! -- materializes before her in the kitchen. He immediately crosses to maul her while she hoots and bats at him with her hands. Meanwhile, Raige staggers to her feet to discover a full-size, human Slappy bouncing around the breakfast nook. I was going to describe him in all his white-headed, yellow-fringed, pastel-striped horror, but you know what? Clowns are hideous, freaky sociopaths, and everyone knows it, so let's leave it at that and keep going, shall we? Ooops. Do you hear that? It's the sound of Emmett Kelly's heirs throwing together a frivolous defamation lawsuit against Television Without Pity. Anyway, Piper finally notices that she's shed her pregnancy pad, and pushes Ryder away long enough to wonder who the hell stole the percolating infant. The Dolt provides an answer as he hauls himself up from the floor, pregnancy pad safely ensconced within the confines of his t-shirt. There's a round of goggled-eyed gawping before the roar of a buzz saw invades the room from above. "That didn't sound good," snickers Slappy. Shudder.