Episode Report Card Demian: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sand Francisco Dreamin'
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.08.2003
...black-and-white Manor basement. Phoebe tentatively descends the stairs, clad in low-rise lace-up hip-huggers and a tight, concealing, white fuzzy sweater. The shredded shag on her head looks -- dare I say it? -- pretty damn good. It's darker, longer, and fuller than it's been in the past, and it very nearly flatters her face. Or perhaps the crafty black-and-white cinematography for this sequence is negatively impacting my better judgment. Oh, and kudos to whomever remembered that Phoebe's both fond of black-and-white movies and terrified of the basement. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Phoebe reaches the foot of the rickety wooden staircase and cautiously turns around. Good God, but she looks good in this scene. She nervously backs herself towards the wall, lit by a smattering of harsh, bare overhead light bulbs. As her face passes through shadows cast by nearby support columns, a Shatner-masked psycho emerges from the depths of the gloom with a buzzing chainsaw aimed right at her head. Phoebe shrieks and flies towards the stairs, but as she crosses the concrete floor, the room around her morphs into a moonlit clearing. She spins around in time to see Kenny G hurl a bolt of electric demonic mojo at Henry Gibson, who whimpers in pain before vanishing in a flash of light. Kenny G smirks triumphantly as Phoebe...
...gasps and bolts upright in bed. She whips her head to her right and chokes back a scream as golden, glowy Hank extends his hand to her. "Help me," he mildly intones. Phoebe shoots him a shocked, disbelieving stare. "This is not a dream," he insists before quietly dematerializing. The opening credits barge into Prue Memorial and spackle dreary mid-eighties complaint rock all over Phoebe's gaping face.
That was the most engaging pre-credits sequence they've had in years, right? I'm not hallucinating, am I? Am I? Dear God, what is wrong with my brain?
Pray for me, because the episode just gets better after we've dispensed with the first round of commercials. The soft patter of The Chordettes' "Mr. Sandman" hits the soundtrack during the last moment of post-break blackness, followed by a quick fade-up on the camera airily rising above a hill on the Marin Peninsula to take in the Golden Gate Bridge with the shimmering city in the distance. This song, with its unabashed Eisenhower-era cheesiness and deliriously close harmonies, never fails to bring a smile to my face, and it's the best tune they've used since that embarrassing muse episode made up for many of its flaws by closing with "Star Dust." It also links thematically to each of the pre-credits dream sequences, which quite frankly shocks me. (The pop culture junkies should recall it underscoring Halloween II's closing credits, and will snicker accordingly, one would hope.) They've featured arguably applicable songs during the opening travelogue in the past, but nothing like this. And as a bonus, the rises and falls within the song's phrasing synch up with the various swooping aerial shots of the city. In short: What the hell is going on here tonight? And why can't they do it every week?
Ahem. Anyway. The Chordettes harmonize us on over to Prescott Street. The song coyly fades out just as the below-the-belt saxophones kick in, which might not have been intentional, but it does bring to mind Piper's current predicament. And so, it makes me giggle. Up on the sun porch, Raige perches precariously on a ladder, hanging crepe-paper streamers for the percolating infant's baby shower, while the Dolt childproofs a nearby cabinet. I'm enjoying this episode so much that I'll ignore the clunky, plodding, Feeb-centric exposition that follows. Just read the recaps from the first half of the season, and you'll know what they're discussing. I will note that Raige and the Dolt take great pains to refer to the percolating infant as "my niece" and "her." Make of that what you will, because I called the baby's gender last summer. I'll also note that the scary clown from Raige's pre-credits dream sequence actually exists, in the form of a doll she calls "Slappy." Heh. After dispensing with a bit of the exposition, Raige and the Dolt allude to their "recurring" dreams before Piper sails onto the sun porch, too-brightly sing-songing, "Where is the man of my dreams?" The Dolt snickers fondly and natters at the pregnancy pad. Piper clenches -- hee! -- then announces that she must head over to the club to prepare for tonight's guest ovary. Raige, inflating a pink balloon, pauses to ask Piper's opinion of the decorations. Piper snarks that subtlety is not one of Raige's strong points, and she's got something there. The room's a riot of overdone shower kitsch, but Raige insists that she simply wants the best for her "niece." Piper whatevers and clutches her side in pain, for the percolating infant's kicking field goals in her stuff. The eager Dolt leaps to her side for a feel, but Piper notes that unless he's "a kidney or a bladder," he's not going to feel anything at all. "I never get to feel her kick," he mopes. Aw. Not. Stow it, Dolt. He snaps out of his self-pitying pout when Phoebe rings his Whitelighter bell from up in the attic. Rather than taking the stairs, the Dolt orbs on out through the ceiling. Holding her inflated pink balloon at chest level, Raige guhs and lets all the air out of the thing. If that's not a snide reference to the Fun Bags, I don't know what is.