Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT That blows
By Gustave | Season 3 | Episode 3 | Aired on 11.10.2003
Back at the Cocaine Condo, everyone has changed out of their Haz-Mat gear, but no one has told the Singers, who are still thinking they are about to die in total isolation. Why do I find that extremely funny? Kiefer finally fills them in on the test results, and they get really mad, which makes me laugh even harder. "You scared the hell out of us!" whines Papa Kyle. But the velvety one has no time for apologies. He needs to find Kyle because, as he explains to Papa, Kyle might be the carrier of the V-I-R-U-S. "What are you saying?" asks Mama Diabetes. "That our son might die?" Kiefer is all, "Uh, yeah," diplomatically leaving out the part about how he'll take millions of Angelenos with him. Papa and Mama Kyle are even more upset now, but Kiefer makes them focus on finding Kyle, whose cell phone has apparently been disconnected…on account of him being in this poor loser family. Fortunately, Mama Diabetes remembers that she lent Kyle her own phone. She gives the "555" number to Kiefer, who gives it to Soul Patch at CTU, and then Kiefer makes Papa Kyle call Kyle and keep him on the phone so CTU can trace his location. As Kiefer reads the number to Soul Patch, Papa Kyle turns to his wife and says, "This is all my fault. Kyle never would have done any of this if I took better care of my family." Ha! He's right! Isn't this hilarious?
Papa Kyle calls Kyle from the house phone, which, miraculously, hasn't been shut off for non-payment. I bet they spring for call waiting, caller ID, and DSL every month too. Kyle is at "the mall" on an escalator. He answers and doesn't hang up when he realizes it's his father. Meanwhile, on a split screen, Spawn is tracing the call with CTU's new Whatever Call-Tracing Technology, that's hopefully a lot better than the stuff that Nina had in the first season to trace Bride's cell call from the TerrorKompound. Because that's the only reason Spawn would be able to do something that Nina couldn't. Kyle and Papa Kyle make small talk about the vast amount of cocaine in his gym bag. Papa Kyle commends Kyle for only wanting to take care of the family. Kyle gets the vibe that his father has turned him into the cops, and is about to hang up when Papa Kyle gets his attention by telling him about the V-I-R-U-S. Spawn has traced the call to within a three-mile radius of the location. Kyle tells his father he feels fine. Papa Kyle tells him that he won't start to feel the symptoms for another three hours. Kyle freaks out and hangs up, just as Soul Patch determines that "the mall" is the Los Feliz Mall between Vermont and Sunset. Now, I don't know if the Los Feliz Mall is a fictionalized place, or if it's one of these real primo areas in L.A. that I would know about if I were the slightest bit familiar with L.A. But I have to say, the Los Feliz Mall seems skanky to me. Like one of those malls with lots of "your name on a mini-license plate" carts in the main atrium surrounded by stores selling sneakers, acid wash jeans, and baby clothes. Kiefer is twenty minutes away, but Soul Patch promises he can have a team there in ten minutes. Kiefer tells Soul Patch not to bring Special Agent Charlie Brown. "Why not?" asks Soul Patch. "Just don't," says the velvety one. Kiefer thanks the Singers for their help and gets ready to go to the Los Feliz Mall. "Pleeeeeease help our son!" shrieks Mama Diabetes. Kiefer looks them in the eye, manages to keep a straight face, and assures them that their son will be safe.