Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT That blows
By Gustave | Season 3 | Episode 3 | Aired on 11.10.2003
Somewhere on some Los Angeles freeway. As Kiefer waits for Nicole in the Kiefmobile, he starts to feel restless and cagey and basically in need of a fix. He looks at his watch and whips out his handy-dandy heroin clutch and starts doing all those necessary pre-heroin activities -- tying off his arm to find a vein, et cetera -- right there in the Kiefmobile. Now, I don't expect a great deal of realism from 24 -- especially after last season -- but I just have to interject here that in real life, drug addicts (especially drug addicts who are trying to hold down white collar jobs) tend to be extremely skilled at finding places to use without detection. Didn't anyone read Elizabeth Wurtzel's last memoir about her addiction to Ritalin? In fact, just last night when I was in the men's room of this restaurant, I automatically took note of the fact that there was an aluminum ledge right above the toilet paper dispenser that, if wiped clean, would be perfect to do lines off of. I also noticed that the stall had a very tight doorway, and no one would be able to observe me if I were going drugs there. And I haven't even touched cocaine in at least five years. Add that to the fact that Kiefer is a CIA field agent -- a breed of people trained extensively in the fine art of deception -- and it's absolutely ridiculous and implausible that Kiefer would just be shooting up in his car moments before he's about to meet an associate. And that's my lesson for the week about the nature of addiction, kids. Oh, it's also part of a new regular feature of my recaps which I call, "Is my mother really reading my recaps, or is she just pretending to?"
Just as Kiefer is about the put the sweet sweet needle inside his vein and get that molasses-dark rush that has inspired artists like Lou Reed and Leonard Cohen to write music that makes you want to kill yourself, a white van pulls up. Foiled again! It's Nicole and the Hazmaticians. And although you probably figured this out from watching the credits roll, Nicole is played by Andrea Thompson, formerly of NYPD Blue and CNN. Not that I've ever seen an episode of NYPD Blue or a newscast she gave on CNN, mind you, but I remember the controversy surrounding her tenure there. And for some reason I also remember reading an interview with OJ Simpson where he said that he thought she was really hot. Oh, and also? I have this dim memory of some nude photos of her turning up on the internet, but I might have totally imagined that. And speaking of Internet porn, why can't I find a picture of Rick Salomon on the net? For those of you buried under a rock this week, Rick Salomon (sometimes spelled "Solomon") was the guy who was with Paris Hilton in those sex tapes. He also used to go out with Shannen Doherty, and she and Paris would have regular fistfights over him. So I hear about this, and I am dying to see a picture of him and see what all the fuss is about without having to actually download that tape and watch it. I mean, I'm sure it's not a big deal to have sex with Paris Hilton -- or even Shannen Doherty -- but I'm thinking he must be pretty special if women are letting him tape them. I can't believe I just said that out loud. Mom?