Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Velvet Underground
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 24 | Aired on 05.22.2005
It's 6:44:16 as Potato Face leads Agent Apeman across the CTU floor and into a conference room. She makes a quick bitchface at him and leaves him there, but he's only alone for a few seconds before Buchanan comes in and the two men exchange introductions. Agent Apeman wants Buchanan to sign a chain of custody authorization, but Buchanan refuses until Kiefer's been debriefed. "Fair enough," grunts Agent Apeman. Buchanan goes on, "We'd be burying a million Americans right now if it wasn't for Kiefer. He's a hero." "I'm sure he is," says Agent Apeman. "I'm just following orders." Buchanan says he wants Kiefer treated with "the respect he deserves." Agent Apeman agrees with that too. Just then an alarm klaxon goes off, fifty seconds after Kiefer reentered the locker room. Buchanan and Apeman both stand there, looking around in confusion. Fortunately, Potato Face appears with the news that Soul Patch is on the phone about Kiefer. Buchanan picks up the nearest handset. Soul Patch says Kiefer's "escaped." "Escaped?" Buchanan repeats so Agent Apeman can hear him. The good news, says Soul Patch, is that Kiefer's still in the building, in Section C. "I'm the one who ordered the lockdown," he says. Buchanan says he'll be right there, and hangs up, then tells Agent Apeman that Kiefer's trying to get away. Agent Apeman impassively follows Buchanan out of the room, with the siren still blaring. It's 6:45:42.
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6:50:03. Soul Patch models his black t-shirt, Potato Face models her keyboard, and Agent Apeman's modeling days are over, if indeed they ever happened. They're all gathered in a room with a video wall whose screens are all filled with static because, as Bitchelle explains, Kiefer "disabled the surveillance feed a minute ago." But before that, Potato Face was able to confirm that Kiefer's still in Section C. You know, I was wavering on the episode grade, but all this talk about Section C can only be a sign. Buchanan wants to know why Kiefer changed his mind about turning himself in. Soul Patch doesn't know, but he knows Kiefer got a phone call. "Who from?" Buchanan demands. Soul Patch doesn't know that either: "I was waiting for him to finish up, the next thing I know I'm on the ground. He cold-cocked me." ["And yet he's alert enough to order a lockdown in time to trap Kiefer in the building. I guess apes' sense of smell isn't very well developed because that comment is the biggest rat in a litter the size of ponies. Oy, this show." -- Sars] Agent Apeman asks if Kiefer has a weapon, and Soul Patch says yes as Apeman crosses over to the schematic on the wall. There are four exits, which are all blocked off. Agent Apeman figures Kiefer will try to "punch through." Soul Patch says he has guards posted at all exits, but Agent Apeman isn't taking chances. He produces his own gun and heads for the door. Buchanan stops him, but Apeman says he intends to execute his orders. "This building is my jurisdiction," says Buchanan. Apeman says Buchanan lost jurisdiction when he lost Kiefer. "If you want me to stand down, call the President. Otherwise, stay out of my way." Soul Patch says he's going with Apeman. Apeman refuses, but Buchanan says, "Either you take Soul Patch or you're not going anywhere." We've already established that Buchanan can't stop Apeman, but the agent doesn't press the point again. "Follow me," says Apeman to Soul Patch, and they leave the room. Everyone else looks at each other.