Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Velvet Underground
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 24 | Aired on 05.22.2005
It's 6:27:23 as CTU hogs all three splitscreen windows, showing Buchanan, DoDder, and Potato Face. An underling is giving Bitchelle the report on the shooting down of the missile: No radiation was released, although debris hitting the ground caused some injuries. Bitchelle tunes out the underling's already monotonous voice when she sees Soul Patch limping towards her down the hallway. "We'll pick this up later," she says. The underling drones off, leaving Bitchelle free to rush into Soul Patch's arms and score some serious snogging. "I love you," she pants. But then she pulls away, full of guilt about not playing along with Mandy when she held him hostage. "You did what you had to do," Soul Patch says. "But I didn't do what you did," Bitchelle insists. "You chose me and I chose --" Soul Patch cuts that off, saying they both did the best they could, and that it's over. Yeah, I'm sure this will never come up again. At the very least, they're going to be renegotiating the division of housekeeping chores. But for now, back to kissing and panting!
As if to deliberately destroy the mood, we cut right to a close-up of the tag on Grayadder's body bag. DoDder's standing next to it, talking to the Exposition Call Center in Bangalore about how she's going to get Grayadder's remains home. And she still hasn't called Grayadder's mom (because we all know how much she loves giving people bad news, right?). But in any case, she needs to get off the phone, because Kiefer has just appeared on the other side of the nearest glass wall. "There's something I need to deal with," she says before hanging up. It's 6:29:22 as she steps through the door to join him. They look at each other, wondering where to start. It's awkward, until they start talking, and then we realize that what we thought was awkward before was nothing compared to this. Kiefer suggests they can talk when she gets back from handling Grayadder's funeral in Washington, DC (even though he lives on the West Coast and is, I'm fairly sure, from England). DoDder says she doesn't think that's a good idea. Kiefer protests, "I thought we agreed that we wouldn't make those kinds of decisions today." He takes a step closer and says he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Why, I have no idea. But DoDder's made her mind up, for once: "We both know you belong here, Kiefer. At CTU. Doing what you do best. And thank God there are people like you who can deal with that world. But I can't." Kiefer begs her not to say that. She says she loves him, "but after today…it won't work." She kisses him goodbye and says she's sorry, then leaves him standing alone in the hallway. Dude, trust us. She did you such a huge favor just now.
Then his cell phone rings. He and his hand bandage answer it, to find Palmer at the other end. Palmer opens with, "Words cannot express the debt this country owes you." Again. I give Palmer a lot of shit, but he's always good for new ways to phrase that. Kiefer thanks him as he walks and talks. Palmer breaks the bad news: "The Chinese have proof that you led the assault on their Consulate." "What kind of proof?" Kiefer demands. Palmer explains, "Howard Burn made a full confession. He identified you as the agent in charge." Kiefer sinks to his haunches against the wall, wishing he'd killed Burn when he had the chance. "And now the Chinese want me?" Kiefer says. Palmer says the government has no choice. Can I just refer Palmer to the poll a couple of pages back? "I see," says Kiefer. Palmer says that what the Chinese really want is for Kiefer to implicate the government. "Mr. President, that will never happen," he growls. Palmer already knows. "This is unfair to say the least. And I'm ashamed of my part in it." Big of him. "But I promise you this. I will make it my life's purpose to bring you back to American soil as soon as humanly possible." "I know you'll do what you can, sir," Kiefer responds, his tone telling us he knows full well that what Palmer can do about this = nothing. Palmer says a Secret Service agent is on his way to CTU to put Kiefer under house arrest, but Kiefer will have a little time to "put [his] affairs in order." Palmer sadly says he wishes there were something else he could say. Kiefer says Palmer is doing what has to be done, and "so will I." God, I don't know why Kiefer has any time for Palmer at all at this point. It's like Palmer is Kiefer's Kryptonite or something.