Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Velvet Underground
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 24 | Aired on 05.22.2005
Apeman has his gun leveled as he enters the dark, industrial-looking Section C at 6:51:22 with Soul Patch right behind him. Soul Patch calls Kiefer's name, but the only answer is a series of gunshots from behind a power pylon of some kind. Both Soul Patch and Apeman dive for cover as sparks fly. Soul Patch is still calling to Kiefer, though, saying, "Come on, let's talk. It doesn't have to go down like this." He and Apeman continue to advance under cover, until Kiefer starts shooting again. Apeman returns fire until Soul Patch pushes the gun aside. Apeman pins Soul Patch against the wall, whispering, "Stay out of my way." Soul Patch jerks free and stands before Apeman, hands up, saying, "This is over. Now I'm gonna go bring Kiefer out. You wanna stop me, you can shoot me in the back." Soul Patch puts his gun on the ground and calls out to Kiefer that he's coming in. He weaves through the pylons, Apeman behind him, until he comes upon Kiefer in an open space. Kiefer's flat on his back, eyes closed, with his head lying in blood. A horrified Soul Patch puts his hands on Kiefer's neck and tells Apeman, "He's dead." Apeman doesn't lower his weapon, even as he checks Kiefer's pulse for himself. "You killed him," Soul Patch accuses. Apeman says Kiefer was shooting at them. "He was aiming wide," says Soul Patch. "He was laying down cover fire. If he wanted to hit us, he'd have hit us." I'd love to see someone arguing that defense in an actual courtroom, but Apeman has no response. Buchanan, Bitchelle, and Potato Face burst onto the scene. "My God, Kiefer," says Potato Face. Soul Patch lunges at Apeman in fury, but Buchanan intercepts him and orders Apeman taken to the conference room. A group of suddenly-appearing redshirts comply. And now I feel like an idiot for calling them redshirts all season, red shirts or no, because not one damn one of them died. "I'm sorry," Buchanan says to everyone, and leaves them alone with Kiefer.
They stand over him looking bereft for a minute until they hear the door slam behind Buchanan. Then Soul Patch crouches down and says, "Give me the epinephrine." Bitchelle produces a syringe from the back of her skirt's waistband and hands it over. "I hope it's not too late," Potato Face says. "He really looks dead." Bitchelle tells her that's the idea. Anybody surprised? I'm not sure why Potato Face is in on this plan in the first place. Soul Patch gives Kiefer the shot. Nothing happens, so he starts TV chest compressions. "Come on, Kiefer, dammit!" he yells. Kiefer wakes up, coughing, fortunately with no broken ribs as far as we can tell. Soul Patch says Potato Face needs to run interference with the local coroner: "Make sure their database syncs up with Kiefer's information." Ah, so that's why she's in on it. Potato Face protests that that won't cover the autopsy, but Soul Patch says there won't be an autopsy. "They wanted Kiefer dead, now he's dead." Potato Face scampers away. Bitchelle and Soul Patch help Kiefer to his feet.