Previously on 24: Way previously, in fact, because what I'm about to recap before we get to the final hour is a sort of prequel that was included on the Season Three DVD as a preview for Season Four. It'll never be shown on network TV, so unless you have access to the DVD I'm your only way of finding out what happens in the preview. No need to thank me; cash will suffice. Here goes:
The promo begins the same way that Season Three ended; Kiefer gets into his CTUmobile and starts crying like an asshole. Although the screen fades to black before he really gets going this time.
And then we get a title card in yellow 24 font over a black screen: "Three Months Later." Driscoll (remember her?) sits behind her desk in the DrisCube, reading some report or other. Looks like she's had a hot oil recently, so it's not like she didn't know about them when Season Four started. Kiefer enters the DrisCube in his casual clothes and says, "You wanted to see me?" Driscoll invites him to have a seat. He does. She makes him wait while she finishes what she's reading, which would be kind of an asshole move even if she weren't going to do what she's about to do. Finally, she comes around the desk to sit in the chair across from him. He asks how she's settling in. She says it'll take some time, but change always does. Foreshadowing! Kiefer says to let him know if there's anything he can do. She doesn't say, "Leave and never come back," but she's not far off. "I'm removing you as head of field ops," she Band-Aid-rips. Kiefer's confused, and none too happy. "I don't understand," he says. "Where do you want me to go?" "That's up to you," she says. Cold! She continues, "I've decided you're a liability that I don't want to carry." Yes, Driscoll's carrying Kiefer. That sounds plausible. Kiefer would like her to explain how he's a liability. She says, "I can look past all the off-book behavior that's been documented over the last five years, even though it's been substantial. But the fact that you were addicted to heroin? I can't get past that." Kiefer holds his temper, saying, "I incurred that habit in the line of duty. I was maintaining my cover. I came clean about it. And I haven't touched anything since I entered the program." Driscoll commends him for that, "but it's still a vulnerability. And in my judgement, that vulnerability will hurt your performance." She says she doesn't tolerate any weaknesses. Which doesn't explain why Potato Face gets to stay, but whatever. Kiefer nods and says he can understand, and he rises to walk out. Driscoll says she can help him get a new position. He stops at the door, turns, and deliberately says, "I can find my own fucking job, Erin. Thank you." And he's out.
Black Screen. Title card: "One Year Later." Three Middle Eastern guys huddle in some desert scrub at nighttime over a subtitle that reads "U.S. Mexico Border [sic]." I guess since this was never going to be shown on network TV, they didn't need a censor or a subtitle proofreader. One of them blinks a flashlight at someone who's waiting some distance away on the other side of a double layer of chain link fence. The other guy starts running. One of the guys says to the guy in the middle (a bald guy whom you may recognize from the season premiere as TerrorTurk), "Go straight across. Someone is waiting for you on the other side." Except he says it in Spanish with English subtitles. Oh, my mistake; those other two guys must be Mexicans. I was so confused by the way the show kept hiring Hispanic actors to play Middle Eastern terrorists that I assumed these guys were playing Middle Easterners as well. Sorry about that.
TerrorTurk and one of the Mexicans run for the fence. They slide down a steep embankment, kicking up a ridiculous amount of dust up into the moonlight along the way. TerrorTurk is dragging briefcase with him. At the bottom is an eight-foot concrete wall topped by chain link. Leaving the case behind, TerrorTurk accepts a boost to the top of the wall, where a gap has already been cut into the fence. He wiggles through. The Rio Grande is so not grande that it's barely a rio at this point; it's just a trickle along the bottom of the concrete riverbed, which is consistent with how dry the surrounding banks are. TerrorTurk crawls across an extension ladder that's been laid across the river to the other side. The Mexican who accompanied him to the wall climbs back up the embankment, now holding the briefcase. When he rejoins his compadre, they open the case to reveal stacks of Benjamins. Across the river, TerrorTurk drops a satchel to the man waiting below, then hops down himself and recovers his bag. They both dash over to an old sedan parked nearby. The guy with the car opens the trunk and holds out the keys to TerrorTurk, who gut-shoots him through a silencer before taking them. Now that's just rude. The man falls forward into TerrorTurk's arms, and TerrorTurk dumps the body in the trunk. Meanwhile, the two compadres from the other side finish counting their money and hop back into their van. Which TerrorTurk, using a remote control, blows to hell with a bomb he must have planted earlier. He makes a satisfied face at the conflagration across the river and slams the trunk lid as the burning hulk of the van starts sliding down the embankment. He hops into the car and dials a cell phone. "I'm in the U.S.," he says in English before hanging up, a short call even for this show. He drives off, all his loose ends taken care of except for that extension ladder and a soon-to-be-charred pile of bones, scrap metal, and money on the far side of the border. Fade to black.
Title card: "Six Hours Before Day 4 Begins." Downtown Los Angeles is pretty at night. DoDder lets herself into a darkened hotel room. "Hello," she calls softly, dropping the old-fashioned metal room key on the table to a gigantic flower arrangement. There's a figure in the dark behind her, and she gasps as an arm is wrapped around her waist. But she's quickly smiling and turning around to kiss the shadowy stranger whose face we can't yet see. Really, knowing this chick, it could be just about anyone. She pushes his suit jacket off, and he carries her to the bed, where they mack some more. After a minute or so the light from outside hits his face and we see that it's Kiefer. He stares at her for a moment, then goes back in for another snog. The screen goes black.
Title card: "He lost his job." Then: "But found a woman who loves him." Then, "It took a long time for Jack Bauer to feel good again… Then Day 4 began." Then we get the two-second title sequence with the digital numerals, followed by two more title cards: "Day 4" and "Two Hour Premiere Monday January 3, 2005 on FOX." Don't miss it!
Okay, previously on 24: Oh, fuck it. The following takes place between 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM. And by the way, I hope it doesn't ruin anything for you if I tell you now that the missile is on its way to Los Angeles. You'd probably figured it out already anyway.
Naked Mandy is leaning silently in the parking garage where we left her. Kiefer is on the phone nearby, asking about the status of Mandy's pardon. Buchanan says it'll be any minute, but he doesn't like cutting Mandy a deal before they know if she's telling the truth. Kiefer says they don't have a choice.
In the White House Bunker, the Veep is reviewing said pardon while the Veep and Palmer look on. They're awaiting final approval from the Attorney General. Aaron the Lipless Gnome comes into the room, wanting to show them something that "may affect the immunity agreement." Wow, Aaron is pretty in the loop on these high-level discussions for a Secret Service guy. "The woman you're about to pardon," he says, "I'm pretty certain you've met her before." By way of explanation, he picks up a remote control and points it at the wall monitor. It pulls up a mug shot of Naked Mandy that CTU must have taken during the previouslies. On the other half of the screen, he plays back some news footage that shows a smiling Mandy reaching for Palmer's hand in a crowd full of people, "four and a half years ago, moments before the attempt on your life." Palmer gets it: "You're telling me the woman we're about to cut a deal with tried to assassinate me?" Aaron confirms that. Palmer steps up thoughtfully to take a closer look at the screen as the call comes in signaling approval from the Attorney General. The Veep hesitates, saying he understands that the deal grants Naked Mandy immunity from every crime she's ever committed. PMHC says that's correct. They both look to Palmer, who's standing there holding his right hand. Now, it's unlikely that anyone would have made the connection between a four-year-old assassination attempt and the Naked Mandy of today, but I think I'll allow it, because it sets up this whole internal conflict that I'll be interested to see the show explo-- "Sign it," Palmer hisses. Oh, never mind.PreviousNext
Back at the garage, Kiefer approaches Mandy to tell her they're trying to get her the deal, but it'll be void if the missile hits first. Mandy says she won't talk until "my representatives have confirmed my immunity." Kiefer just stares at her while I imagine this whole scene in a law office with everyone sitting around a table, but there's not that much to the approval. Instead, Curtis's cell phone rings, and after he holds it to the side of Mandy's head for a few seconds, she chirps, "Good." Kiefer asks again where ImhoTerror is. She answers, "The Global Center. A helicopter is waiting for him on the roof that will be taking him to a ship." Kiefer asks when ImhoTerror's leaving. "Now," she says calmly. I don't think she knows what the missile's target is, and not just because she doesn't volunteer the information. That remark will make more sense later. Something has to, after all. Kiefer gives the order to get the CTU helicopter ready. He adds that Mandy's hanging around until they can verify her story, and leaves her there to make creepy faces at everyone. Including Soul Patch, sitting in the back of an open CTUmobile with a big ol' bandage wrapped around his foot. He looks a little annoyed that nobody's bothered to drive him back to CTU yet so he can see his wife who left him twisting in the breeze.
Kiefer, Curtis, and another agent to be killed later jog towards the CTU helicopter. The rain has stopped, by the way. As they go, Kiefer instructs his wingmen not to use deadly force -- "even in self-defense." They understand, and the helicopter takes off with them in it.
Meanwhile, there's another helicopter on a roof across town, presumably that of the Global Center. ImhoTerror and his pilot approach the craft, the latter on his phone. "She's not answering her phone," he says, presumably referring to Naked Mandy. The pilot, prepping the chopper, reminds us all that Mandy was "delayed." "We're not waiting," ImhoTerror says. Oh, yes, we are. We're waiting just a goddamn minute, because I have a rant here. Never mind the fact that twelve hours ago ImhoTerror was resigned to the fact that he wouldn't get out of this alive, because even he couldn't have counted on CTU's repeated incompetence. What irritates me is that he had this veritable army of people working for him all over the greater Los Angeles area, all of whom had important things to do to execute the plan today. But he saves two seats on his escape helicopter for Naked Mandy and Naked Man, whose part in the plan was over with a week ago and who should really have figured a way out of the city on their own by now? It makes no damn sense, unless those seats were originally intended for other people who have since died, and ImhoTerror spends all of the commercial breaks calling people and telling them, "So-and-so got killed, so now there's room on the helicopter for you" until he got all the way down his whole line of succession to Naked Mandy and Naked Man? And that's another thing. Isn't Naked Mandy a little bit overqualified for the task he gave her? "Hmm, I need to hire this person who blew up an airplane and tried to kill the President Palmer so I can have her make a phone call. But then who will seduce and betray the Air Force pilot, and then search his doppelganger's apartment for damaging vital information? I know, I'll hire this anonymous, sex-voiced bimbo who doesn't know that guns can shoot through drywall." I can't believe I actually used to think that the only way to watch this show was to see every episode in sequence. Now that I've done that for a whole season for the first time, I realize how wrong I was. This show is actually better if you miss a couple of hours. Then, if you don't understand something, you can assume that you missed some vital piece of information that would make it all make sense. But when you see the whole season, there are still all kinds of things that don't hold together, plus you have information that actively prevents those things from making sense. And these days each episode practically stands alone anyway, with everyone working towards some short-term goal that's in line with the overall season arc which you already know anyway. Ah, well, now that I'm getting paid to recap every scene of every episode in detail, it's too late for me to go back now.
But I can go back to the episode, and I will. At 6:05:32, ImhoTerror walks over to the chopper to open the external luggage compartment so the pilot can stow something inside which we'll never see again. "How long before we get to the ship and international waters?" asks ImhoTerror, as if he doesn't know. The pilot says "ten minutes" anyway. "Something's wrong," ImhoTerror mutters to himself, and gets into the helicopter with the pilot. The rotors begin to turn.
The CTU chopper is on its way over downtown, all of which is lit up like a five-hundred-square-mile Christmas tree. EMP? What EMP? Kiefer calls Lispy Skip and asks whether they've confirmed the helicopter's presence. Since he's not having an intimate conversation with his barely-girlfriend, he has to holler at top volume. Skip brings up a satellite image, and sure enough the ImHelicopter is there, on the southeast corner of the roof. Kiefer tells the pilot to approach the building from the southeast, and to stay below roof level.
The rotors on the ImHelicopter are just about up to speed as he consults his GameBoy, which confirms that the missile's still on target. "We've got to get out of here," he says. The pilot says they'll be up to speed in a few minutes. Which won't help much, because the CTU helicopter is already in visual range, approaching from behind and below. At Kiefer's order, it swoops in above ImhoTerror's chopper, searchlight blazing. "Don't let him take off!" Kiefer hollers at the pilot. "Stay above him!" The CTU chopper hovers directly over ImhoTerror's. Seems like that would be kind of dangerous, hovering in a column of air that's being sucked down by another helicopter below you. But what do I know. Kiefer fires his handgun at the enemy helicopter until the rotors start slowing down and steam begins to pour out of the engine cowling. "Put me in position to bail," yells Kiefer. Meanwhile, ImhoTerror sets his GameBoy down on the floor of his chopper, shields his face, and puts two bullets into the device from an Uzi. While that's going on, Kiefer's chopper descends to within a few feet of the roof at 6:07:56 so he and the other two agents can jump out. ImhoTerror exits his own helicopter and takes off running with the pilot, Uzi in hand. Kiefer and his men are in hot pursuit, firing off round after round of deadly force. I guess they changed their minds about that. The pilot goes down almost immediately. Hey, no more deadly force, you guys! I'm totally serious!
ImhoTerror runs down the stairs, and the three CTU agents pursue him to the level below. And it is here that we learn that the "Global Center" appears to be nothing more than a twelve-story parking garage. What, are only imported cars allowed to park there? We can see ImhoTerror hiding behind a support pillar as the agents fan out and approach his position. When they get close enough, he jumps out and lets off a burst from his machine gun, which naturally takes out the non-Kiefer, non-Curtis CTU agent. Curtis runs out into the open to help his anonymous colleague while brave, brave Kiefer stays undercover, and Curtis is hit when ImhoTerror pops out with another volley. And that's it for Curtis. Quite a run for a Handsome Black Agent, surviving all the way to a season finale. No one begrudges you the two or three episodes you sat out, I'm sure. But wait! What's this? Curtis is still moving! He manages to drag himself and the other agent back into cover so he can safely hemorrhage to death. ImhoTerror continues fleeing. Now that the shooting has stopped for a moment, Kiefer advances in pursuit. ImhoTerror gives away his position by loudly reloading. He stands behind a car and lets off a volley of covering fire, but Kiefer's lying on the ground several cars away with a clear shot at ImhoTerror's ankle, which he takes. ImhoTerror goes down, firing his Uzi until it's empty again. Kiefer approaches, gun out, like he's got all the time in the world, while ImhoTerror crabwalks on his back to the edge of the floor, which is separated from the space outside by nothing more than a waist-high railing. Pretty agile for a guy with bullet holes in two limbs.
Kiefer realizes what ImhoTerror's planning to do and dashes forward, holstering his gun. ImhoTerror manages to heave himself over the railing, but Kiefer gets there just in time to grab his hand. ImhoTerror is suspended over a poorly green-screened street scene, grinning up at Kiefer demonically. They're holding on to one another's wrists, which seems wrong; since ImhoTerror wants to die, his hand should be flopping around freely. But then Kiefer wouldn't be able to hold him up this long. "Tell me where the missile is," Kiefer demands, badly misinterpreting the power dynamic in this situation. The helicopter is hovering helplessly right to them. Kiefer's grip is slipping, a situation which is made worse when ImhoTerror pulls out a knife and slashes Kiefer's hand. Seconds later, ImhoTerror is plummeting towards the pavement in just about the worst special effect I've ever seen on this show. "Noooo!" Kiefer hollers at him, but ImhoTerror's already lying on the sidewalk with a rapidly spreading puddle of blood around his head. "Noooo!" Kiefer reiterates at the helicopter, which is oddly keeping its spotlight on Kiefer rather than the suspect as it slowly pulls away for a hero shot. I think a certain CTU pilot has forgotten that the CT stands for "Counter Terrorism" and not "CinemaTography." Not that it matters now anyway. It's 6:11:17.
6:15:43. Palmer, Lispy Skip, Potato Face, and PMHC all sit around looking pensive. We're outside the Undal Office. Hey, that guy who looks like Victor Garber in a bad wig is back. Haven't seen him for a while. Aaron's standing off to one side as well, quietly gathering information he technically probably shouldn't have. The Veep is hollering at his advisors about how pissed off he is that ImhoTerror managed to do himself in. Palmer tries to calm him down by saying CTU is searching ImhoTerror's helicopter, but the Veep says they're out of time. "Not yet," says Palmer. PMHC comes in (even though the act-in splitscreen made it look like he was already there) with more bad news: the Deputy Chinese Consul is in the videophone, saying it's urgent. The Veep and Palmer exchange a significant look. "Put him through," says the Veep. The DCC appears on the video monitor and brings everyone up to speed on the whole Consulate situation. Because we never get tired of having that explained to us. Palmer again protests the government's innocence. But the DCC has a video he'd like to show them. Roll the clip, please! Agent Burn appears on the screen, giving his name and position, and saying he's speaking of his own free will. PMHC scoffs at this. Burn goes on to say that he participated in the raid on the Chinese Consulate. "I was acting under the orders of the special advisor to the Secretary of Defense: Kiefer." DCC comes back to say that the rest of the tape will be forwarded to the White House immediately. Because that's only courteous, I guess. "Putting aside the question of how this so-called confession was obtained," Palmer says, "what does your government expect us to do?" Don't worry, Palmer. I'm sure that heartfelt apology will defuse the situation. But no, the DCC wants Kiefer turned over to his government for trial and sentencing by Chinese law. The Americans look at one another. "We'll get back to you," says the Veep.
He hangs up and immediately turns on Palmer, accusing, "You said this would be handled. "I'm sure the Chinese don't want war," PMHC says nervously. But Bewigged Victor Garber says the Chinese would love to embarrass the U.S., and "we need to take the least damaging course of action." The Veep is the last to figure out that this means turning Kiefer over to the Chinese. "Unacceptable," says Palmer, the only guy who doesn't actually work there. But Bewigged Victor Garber argues that Kiefer could implicate the government, just as Burn burned his superior. Palmer doubts that, but BVG says, "As much as I'd like to believe that, everyone breaks." Obviously BVG didn't see Season Two, when Kiefer actually died rather than giving up the goods to his torturers. "What you believe is irrelevant," Palmer says rudely. In the somewhat shocked silence, BVG offers a third option: "Suppose something happens to Kiefer. Suppose he has…an accident." Palmer snaps, "That's an obscene suggestion!" The Veep silences the room with one upheld finger and calmly tells BVG, "This administration does not condone murder. And it never will. Is that clear?" "Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir," BVG says hilariously. What about the fourth option, in which responsibility for the raid rests on the person who ordered it, who doesn't actually have an official position in the U.S. Government, and could thus go down for it without implicating the administration? Has anyone thought of that? No?
At 6:19:24, Kiefer approaches Curtis, whose bullet wound wasn't fatal. I think all the Handsome Black Agent lives that have been lost over the years went right into him, somehow. He's Handsome Black Agent meets Highlander. "I'll be a lot better once we take this missile down," says Curtis stoically. Agent McCallan calls Kiefer over to the ImHelicopter; they've found ImhoTerror's shot-up GameBoy, part of which has survived enough to hold onto data that's currently being uploaded to CTU, where Potato Face and Lispy Skip furiously technobabble at each other while Kiefer listens on speakerphone. They decode "parallel columns," which Skip plots over a U.S. map in the hope that it's a flight path. To nobody's surprise, a diagonal red line starts tracing itself from central Iowa to -- where else? -- Southern California. "It's Los Angeles," Potato Face concludes. "It's gotta be?" Why? Why would ImhoTerror target Los Angeles, where the vast majority of his guys were working? Fortunately, the show has gotten more proactive about killing people before their motives quit making sense, so they don't have to explain themselves. Kiefer tells Potato Face to "run a time analysis," which causes a thirty-mile circle to become highlighted on the map. Buchanan says he'll call those coordinates in to the Air Force. The splitscreens go nuts as Buchanan gets on the phone and notifies his guy at the Air Force, who says his pilots are already in the air -- lucky, that. It's 6:21:12. Buchanan announces to the floor that the flyers should be able to find the missile quickly. "They'd better," says Potato Face, "since the casualty figures of an L.A. air strike would be over a million lives lost. Including ours." Since over nine million people live there, that number seems kind of conservative. Buchanan orders the military channel put on speaker, and in seconds the voices of Air Force pilots and officers are sounding out over the floor. Kiefer can also hear them over his earpiece. One of those pilots is shown in his cockpit, zooming past the Aon building in the second-worst special effect I've ever seen on this show.
While they're waiting for the search to turn something up, Lispy Skip asks Kiefer if the warhead could detonate if the missile gets shot down. Kiefer says it's unlikely, since it's designed only to explode when it hits the designated target. Skip pushes, and Kiefer downplays the risk, saying, "Yes, it's possible." As possible as anything else that has happened this season, I guess. Kiefer finishes, "But we don't have a choice. We're out of time here." He scans the sky as the fighter plane does a low-altitude flyby. And now it's up to the Air Force, as they calmly talk over their radios . We can hear them finding the missile, closing in, and locking an air-to-air missile on target. "Fox two, missile away," the pilot says, and launches. Everyone watches the sky or radar screens as the missile closes in, and Kiefer and Curtis at their rooftop vantage point can see a small, orange explosion off in the distance, over the city. If that image looks familiar to you, that's because it's in the dictionary to the word "anticlimax." Although I'll admit that was mighty close, since the warhead was probably programmed to detonate over the city rather than on impact, so as to cause more damage. It was probably a fraction of a second from reaching its target coordinates and going off. "Splash one," says the pilot. "Target is down." The CTU floor breaks out into cheers. Lispy Skip and Potato Face actually smile at one another. Kiefer looks down and then back up again. But he doesn't smile, because it's only 6:22:55 and the major plotline has been resolved, which means the entire remaining thirty-plus minutes are going to be devoted only to what happens to him. And on this show, that's never good.
It's 6:27:23 as CTU hogs all three splitscreen windows, showing Buchanan, DoDder, and Potato Face. An underling is giving Bitchelle the report on the shooting down of the missile: No radiation was released, although debris hitting the ground caused some injuries. Bitchelle tunes out the underling's already monotonous voice when she sees Soul Patch limping towards her down the hallway. "We'll pick this up later," she says. The underling drones off, leaving Bitchelle free to rush into Soul Patch's arms and score some serious snogging. "I love you," she pants. But then she pulls away, full of guilt about not playing along with Mandy when she held him hostage. "You did what you had to do," Soul Patch says. "But I didn't do what you did," Bitchelle insists. "You chose me and I chose --" Soul Patch cuts that off, saying they both did the best they could, and that it's over. Yeah, I'm sure this will never come up again. At the very least, they're going to be renegotiating the division of housekeeping chores. But for now, back to kissing and panting!
As if to deliberately destroy the mood, we cut right to a close-up of the tag on Grayadder's body bag. DoDder's standing to it, talking to the Exposition Call Center in Bangalore about how she's going to get Grayadder's remains home. And she still hasn't called Grayadder's mom (because we all know how much she loves giving people bad news, right?). But in any case, she needs to get off the phone, because Kiefer has just appeared on the other side of the nearest glass wall. "There's something I need to deal with," she says before hanging up. It's 6:29:22 as she steps through the door to join him. They look at each other, wondering where to start. It's awkward, until they start talking, and then we realize that what we thought was awkward before was nothing compared to this. Kiefer suggests they can talk when she gets back from handling Grayadder's funeral in Washington, DC (even though he lives on the West Coast and is, I'm fairly sure, from England). DoDder says she doesn't think that's a good idea. Kiefer protests, "I thought we agreed that we wouldn't make those kinds of decisions today." He takes a step closer and says he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Why, I have no idea. But DoDder's made her mind up, for once: "We both know you belong here, Kiefer. At CTU. Doing what you do best. And thank God there are people like you who can deal with that world. But I can't." Kiefer begs her not to say that. She says she loves him, "but after today…it won't work." She kisses him goodbye and says she's sorry, then leaves him standing alone in the hallway. Dude, trust us. She did you such a huge favor just now.
Then his cell phone rings. He and his hand bandage answer it, to find Palmer at the other end. Palmer opens with, "Words cannot express the debt this country owes you." Again. I give Palmer a lot of shit, but he's always good for new ways to phrase that. Kiefer thanks him as he walks and talks. Palmer breaks the bad news: "The Chinese have proof that you led the assault on their Consulate." "What kind of proof?" Kiefer demands. Palmer explains, "Howard Burn made a full confession. He identified you as the agent in charge." Kiefer sinks to his haunches against the wall, wishing he'd killed Burn when he had the chance. "And now the Chinese want me?" Kiefer says. Palmer says the government has no choice. Can I just refer Palmer to the poll a couple of pages back? "I see," says Kiefer. Palmer says that what the Chinese really want is for Kiefer to implicate the government. "Mr. President, that will never happen," he growls. Palmer already knows. "This is unfair to say the least. And I'm ashamed of my part in it." Big of him. "But I promise you this. I will make it my life's purpose to bring you back to American soil as soon as humanly possible." "I know you'll do what you can, sir," Kiefer responds, his tone telling us he knows full well that what Palmer can do about this = nothing. Palmer says a Secret Service agent is on his way to CTU to put Kiefer under house arrest, but Kiefer will have a little time to "put [his] affairs in order." Palmer sadly says he wishes there were something else he could say. Kiefer says Palmer is doing what has to be done, and "so will I." God, I don't know why Kiefer has any time for Palmer at all at this point. It's like Palmer is Kiefer's Kryptonite or something.
It's 6:33:37 as Bewigged Victor Garber talks on his cell phone, pacing back and forth in an empty room. The Presidential Seal etched on a nearby window is casting its shadow in the floor, and BVG steps on it. Catch the symbolism there? He's on the phone with the Secret Service agent who's on his way to CTU. That agent, by the way, is a balding apeman who's so large that his skin barely covers his skull. BVG frets into the phone that "This is a messy situation." He goes on about Kiefer being a high-value prisoner, given his position at the Defense Department. The Secret Service agent listens patiently to BVG stressing down the line about Kiefer giving up info that could end up in the hands of terrorists. "So the bottom line is?" he asks when BVG takes a breath. But BVG declines to spell it out. Agent Apeman assumes that this order isn't coming from the Veep, and BVG admits that the Veep specifically forbade it. "But that doesn't mean he'd be sorry if it happened." Assured that any investigation into Kiefer's death would be cursory at best, Agent Apeman says he'll "take care of it." BVG hangs up and leaves the room. But who's that lurking out of sight, just beyond the other doorway? Why, it's Poor Man's Hume Cronyn, who presumably heard everything. It's 6:34:47.
6:39:13. The Agent Apeman listens to the dial tone in his car, Potato Face is still at her computer, and the Veep is happily receiving visitors in the Undal Office. Palmer is reacts incredulously to the news that PMHC apparently ran right to him with. PMHC assures Palmer that BVG wants Kiefer dead. Palmer reminds PMHC that the Veep shot that very idea down right in front of both of them. "It was a weak rebuke at best," PMHC says. Hey, weak is what the Veep does best. Palmer is still skeptical, but PMHC says he knows BVG better than Palmer does: "He's been doing the Veep's dirty work for the last fifteen years." PMHC says he'd tell the Veep himself, "But he won't listen to me. If you don't intervene now, it may be too late!"
The Veep's still in the Undal Office, grinning coprophagously while underlings gush praise at him. He probably would be returning above ground to the Oval Office by now, but then the show would have to build another set and that's not about to happen for a scene this short. Besides, the glass doors come into play as Palmer presents himself outside them. The Veep toolishly points at him, then turns his hand around to beckon Palmer into the room with the same finger. Tool. Palmer comes in, thinking, Tool. The Veep clasps Palmer's hand, saying, "I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of goodwill from heads of state around the world." "Well deserved, Mr. President," Palmer says graciously. The Veep smiles and says, "You played a role, David. You…played…a role." Palmer manages not to laugh in the Veep's face while thanking him. Too, too, toolish, he's thinking. "So, what can I do for you?" the Veep expansively says to Palmer. Palmer asks for a moment alone with the Veep, and the room clears out except for the two prezzes. Once they're alone, Palmer cuts to the chase: "I have reason to believe that your Security Chief may be preempting your decision to hand Kiefer over to the Chinese." Security Chief? Bewigged Victor Garber is in on policy discussions and he's the Vice President's Security Chief? I don't understand this show at all sometimes. The Veep asks for clarification, and Palmer gives it to him. The Veep chuckles, and says BVG was only speaking hypothetically. And besides, the Veep shot the idea down. Palmer says he's only asking the Veep to talk to BVG, but the Veep pooh-poohs the idea as "some half-baked conspiracy --" Palmer cuts in to say he's earned the right to have his concerns taken seriously. The Veep agrees Palmer has, "but it's also no secret that your presidency was infected with a certain level of paranoia and scandal. I won't allow that in my administration. Questioning my security chief would not only undermine his authority, it would compromise mine as well." I only transcribed all that because it doesn't make a lick of sense to me and I couldn't figure out how to boil it down. Palmer's got a more succinct summary, however: "Hear no evil." The Veep looks like he's about to get pissed off, but then he remembers that as the President, he doesn't have to. He kicks Palmer out of his office as politely as possible, smiling unctuously. Palmer turns and walks to the door at 6:42:32 without another word. He turns at the exit, and the Veep simply sits down behind the Undal Office desk. Palmer sort of smiles back at him, like, Tool. And leaves. Hey, Palmer, that tool just beat your ass good.
It's been over an hour since we've seen Soul Patch shirtless, so it's a good thing we've got this locker-room scene here. He pulls on a black t-shirt. Kiefer comes in through the glass door in the glass wall -- of the locker room, you'll recall -- and starts working the combination on his own locker. He got a locker? And he knows the combination already? He and Soul Patch say hey to each other. Soul Patch says he just found out that the Veep is going to make Kiefer take the heat for the Chinese Consulate situation. "No one's making me do anything," Kiefer grunts. "The President didn't have a choice." Soul Patch says that doesn't make it fair. "It is what it is," Kiefer says, rather than suggesting that Soul Patch also turn himself in for running tactical on the operation. ["I assumed he felt that Soul Patch already ate enough taking-the-fall shit last season." -- Sars] Kiefer's cell phone rings. At the other end, Palmer, calling from an above-ground hallway in the White House, urgently asks if Kiefer's still at CTU. Kiefer says he is, and that Soul Patch is "just about to debrief me." And now we know why the locker room has glass walls. Palmer tells Kiefer not to turn himself in: "The man they're sending to take you into custody has orders to kill you." Kiefer asks if the Veep authorized it, and Palmer says the Veep won't do anything to stop it. "Get out of there now," Palmer finishes. Kiefer thanks him and hangs up. Then he gets an idea and a steely little smile, and looks back through the locker room wall at Soul Patch. And steps back inside.
It's 6:44:16 as Potato Face leads Agent Apeman across the CTU floor and into a conference room. She makes a quick bitchface at him and leaves him there, but he's only alone for a few seconds before Buchanan comes in and the two men exchange introductions. Agent Apeman wants Buchanan to sign a chain of custody authorization, but Buchanan refuses until Kiefer's been debriefed. "Fair enough," grunts Agent Apeman. Buchanan goes on, "We'd be burying a million Americans right now if it wasn't for Kiefer. He's a hero." "I'm sure he is," says Agent Apeman. "I'm just following orders." Buchanan says he wants Kiefer treated with "the respect he deserves." Agent Apeman agrees with that too. Just then an alarm klaxon goes off, fifty seconds after Kiefer reentered the locker room. Buchanan and Apeman both stand there, looking around in confusion. Fortunately, Potato Face appears with the news that Soul Patch is on the phone about Kiefer. Buchanan picks up the nearest handset. Soul Patch says Kiefer's "escaped." "Escaped?" Buchanan repeats so Agent Apeman can hear him. The good news, says Soul Patch, is that Kiefer's still in the building, in Section C. "I'm the one who ordered the lockdown," he says. Buchanan says he'll be right there, and hangs up, then tells Agent Apeman that Kiefer's trying to get away. Agent Apeman impassively follows Buchanan out of the room, with the siren still blaring. It's 6:45:42.
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6:50:03. Soul Patch models his black t-shirt, Potato Face models her keyboard, and Agent Apeman's modeling days are over, if indeed they ever happened. They're all gathered in a room with a video wall whose screens are all filled with static because, as Bitchelle explains, Kiefer "disabled the surveillance feed a minute ago." But before that, Potato Face was able to confirm that Kiefer's still in Section C. You know, I was wavering on the episode grade, but all this talk about Section C can only be a sign. Buchanan wants to know why Kiefer changed his mind about turning himself in. Soul Patch doesn't know, but he knows Kiefer got a phone call. "Who from?" Buchanan demands. Soul Patch doesn't know that either: "I was waiting for him to finish up, the thing I know I'm on the ground. He cold-cocked me." ["And yet he's alert enough to order a lockdown in time to trap Kiefer in the building. I guess apes' sense of smell isn't very well developed because that comment is the biggest rat in a litter the size of ponies. Oy, this show." -- Sars] Agent Apeman asks if Kiefer has a weapon, and Soul Patch says yes as Apeman crosses over to the schematic on the wall. There are four exits, which are all blocked off. Agent Apeman figures Kiefer will try to "punch through." Soul Patch says he has guards posted at all exits, but Agent Apeman isn't taking chances. He produces his own gun and heads for the door. Buchanan stops him, but Apeman says he intends to execute his orders. "This building is my jurisdiction," says Buchanan. Apeman says Buchanan lost jurisdiction when he lost Kiefer. "If you want me to stand down, call the President. Otherwise, stay out of my way." Soul Patch says he's going with Apeman. Apeman refuses, but Buchanan says, "Either you take Soul Patch or you're not going anywhere." We've already established that Buchanan can't stop Apeman, but the agent doesn't press the point again. "Follow me," says Apeman to Soul Patch, and they leave the room. Everyone else looks at each other.
Apeman has his gun leveled as he enters the dark, industrial-looking Section C at 6:51:22 with Soul Patch right behind him. Soul Patch calls Kiefer's name, but the only answer is a series of gunshots from behind a power pylon of some kind. Both Soul Patch and Apeman dive for cover as sparks fly. Soul Patch is still calling to Kiefer, though, saying, "Come on, let's talk. It doesn't have to go down like this." He and Apeman continue to advance under cover, until Kiefer starts shooting again. Apeman returns fire until Soul Patch pushes the gun aside. Apeman pins Soul Patch against the wall, whispering, "Stay out of my way." Soul Patch jerks free and stands before Apeman, hands up, saying, "This is over. Now I'm gonna go bring Kiefer out. You wanna stop me, you can shoot me in the back." Soul Patch puts his gun on the ground and calls out to Kiefer that he's coming in. He weaves through the pylons, Apeman behind him, until he comes upon Kiefer in an open space. Kiefer's flat on his back, eyes closed, with his head lying in blood. A horrified Soul Patch puts his hands on Kiefer's neck and tells Apeman, "He's dead." Apeman doesn't lower his weapon, even as he checks Kiefer's pulse for himself. "You killed him," Soul Patch accuses. Apeman says Kiefer was shooting at them. "He was aiming wide," says Soul Patch. "He was laying down cover fire. If he wanted to hit us, he'd have hit us." I'd love to see someone arguing that defense in an actual courtroom, but Apeman has no response. Buchanan, Bitchelle, and Potato Face burst onto the scene. "My God, Kiefer," says Potato Face. Soul Patch lunges at Apeman in fury, but Buchanan intercepts him and orders Apeman taken to the conference room. A group of suddenly-appearing redshirts comply. And now I feel like an idiot for calling them redshirts all season, red shirts or no, because not one damn one of them died. "I'm sorry," Buchanan says to everyone, and leaves them alone with Kiefer.
They stand over him looking bereft for a minute until they hear the door slam behind Buchanan. Then Soul Patch crouches down and says, "Give me the epinephrine." Bitchelle produces a syringe from the back of her skirt's waistband and hands it over. "I hope it's not too late," Potato Face says. "He really looks dead." Bitchelle tells her that's the idea. Anybody surprised? I'm not sure why Potato Face is in on this plan in the first place. Soul Patch gives Kiefer the shot. Nothing happens, so he starts TV chest compressions. "Come on, Kiefer, dammit!" he yells. Kiefer wakes up, coughing, fortunately with no broken ribs as far as we can tell. Soul Patch says Potato Face needs to run interference with the local coroner: "Make sure their database syncs up with Kiefer's information." Ah, so that's why she's in on it. Potato Face protests that that won't cover the autopsy, but Soul Patch says there won't be an autopsy. "They wanted Kiefer dead, now he's dead." Potato Face scampers away. Bitchelle and Soul Patch help Kiefer to his feet.
Out in the hallway, Buchanan is approached by the only person on the show who may have had a worse day than Kiefer. Not counting the dead people, of course. It's 6:55:12. DoDder just got off the phone with her DaD. She confronts Buchanan about Kiefer being handed over to the Chinese government. "He was supposed to be," Buchanan says sadly, "but he tried to escape." DoDder doesn't understand. "Neither do I," says Buchanan, in my favorite line of the episode. Which is sad, really. But not as sad as DoDder is, who's gotten the message. She backs away, saying, "Don't say it." It looks like she's going to get away, but Buchanan says, "I'm sorry." It hits her and she stops short, a tear spilling down her face. She leans up against the wall and lets the papers drop from her file folder. No! Not the file folder!
In other splitscreen windows, a happy Veep shakes more hands in the Undal Office, Palmer walks through the White House's one hallway, and the BitchelleMobile leaves the CTU parking lot by the dawn's early light. Behind the wheel, Soul Patch says, "All right, we're clear." Kiefer sits up in the back seat, wearing what looks like his junkyard-gang infiltrating jacket from Season Two over a white t-shirt. Bitchelle asks if he's sure he's all right, and he says he's fine. He says they need to get back to CTU before anyone gets suspicious, and asks Soul Patch to drop him off "anywhere up there." Soul Patch assents. Kiefer's looking a little sweaty as Soul Patch says, "We've secured you a new identity. It should help you get across the border." Kiefer also asks for a "clean phone," and Bitchelle hands him one with a scramble filter. "You can talk up to one minute undetected." Total, or per call? Kiefer pockets the phone and the car comes to a stop. "I can't thank you both enough for everything," Kiefer says. Soul Patch looks at the steering wheel while Bitchelle looks at Kiefer, her hair and makeup perfect. Kiefer hitches up the strap on his brown leather shoulder bag and starts to walk away from the car. Soul Patch calls him back. "Be careful," is all Soul Patch says. Kiefer shakes his hand and thanks them again, then walks away. Soul Patch starts the car again.
Kiefer walks off the street and disappears between a bunch of stacks of wooden pallets. Once he's satisfied that he's alone, he pulls out his phone and makes his first phone call -- to Palmer. Palmer's still inside the White House as he answers. Kiefer identifies himself. "You've threaded the eye of the needle," Palmer says, smiling. Don't know how he knows that. ["Also…what? The eye is the only threadable part. You just…thread the needle. Shut up, Palmer." -- Sars] Kiefer says he had some help. "I wanted to thank you for advising me of the situation. Mr. President, you saved my life." Palmer's sorry it came to this. Kiefer agrees, but he wanted Palmer to know he was safe. After observing, "This is probably the last time we'll ever speak," Palmer makes sure that Kiefer knows he's dead. Kiefer understands. "It's been an honor," he says. "Same for me, my friend," says Palmer. Kiefer snaps his phone shut with ten seconds left. That's probably the best way to prepare for his eventual conversation with his daughter: make sure she doesn't have time to talk.
He continues on through the maze of pallets and comes out at a train yard. And I think it's the same train yard he shot Chappelle in last season. You'll recall he had to get there by helicopter then, but now it's less than a minute's drive away from CTU. Which brings the season-long CTU triangulation project to its only reasonable conclusion: the goddamn place is on wheels. The sun is shining in his face, but fortunately, among his ten or twenty remaining worldly possessions, there's a pair of aviator shades, which he slips on. He takes a look behind him, pulls the shoulder strap over his head so it runs diagonally across his body, and starts walking along the railroad tracks towards the suspiciously high sun. It's 7:00:00. Not a damn surprise in that entire hour.
on 24: "On the first day, he saved the president." Even though Palmer wasn't the president yet then. "On the second day, a city. On the third, a nation. And on the fourth day, the world." Oh, whatever. "But if you think you know what's coming , you don't know Jack. A new day begins January on Fox." And there, over Kiefer's hero shot, is a big title card reading, "24 returns January 2006." See you then. Unless you read the Six Feet Under recaps for this season, in which case, see you before then. Thanks to everyone -- posters, readers, viewers, Sars ["you...played...a role" -- Sars], 24 cast and crew, and especially my saintly-patient wife Trash -- for this season, and let's all hope the wheels don't come off halfway through the one as well.