Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Velvet Underground
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 24 | Aired on 05.22.2005
It's 6:33:37 as Bewigged Victor Garber talks on his cell phone, pacing back and forth in an empty room. The Presidential Seal etched on a nearby window is casting its shadow in the floor, and BVG steps on it. Catch the symbolism there? He's on the phone with the Secret Service agent who's on his way to CTU. That agent, by the way, is a balding apeman who's so large that his skin barely covers his skull. BVG frets into the phone that "This is a messy situation." He goes on about Kiefer being a high-value prisoner, given his position at the Defense Department. The Secret Service agent listens patiently to BVG stressing down the line about Kiefer giving up info that could end up in the hands of terrorists. "So the bottom line is?" he asks when BVG takes a breath. But BVG declines to spell it out. Agent Apeman assumes that this order isn't coming from the Veep, and BVG admits that the Veep specifically forbade it. "But that doesn't mean he'd be sorry if it happened." Assured that any investigation into Kiefer's death would be cursory at best, Agent Apeman says he'll "take care of it." BVG hangs up and leaves the room. But who's that lurking out of sight, just beyond the other doorway? Why, it's Poor Man's Hume Cronyn, who presumably heard everything. It's 6:34:47.
6:39:13. The Agent Apeman listens to the dial tone in his car, Potato Face is still at her computer, and the Veep is happily receiving visitors in the Undal Office. Palmer is reacts incredulously to the news that PMHC apparently ran right to him with. PMHC assures Palmer that BVG wants Kiefer dead. Palmer reminds PMHC that the Veep shot that very idea down right in front of both of them. "It was a weak rebuke at best," PMHC says. Hey, weak is what the Veep does best. Palmer is still skeptical, but PMHC says he knows BVG better than Palmer does: "He's been doing the Veep's dirty work for the last fifteen years." PMHC says he'd tell the Veep himself, "But he won't listen to me. If you don't intervene now, it may be too late!"
The Veep's still in the Undal Office, grinning coprophagously while underlings gush praise at him. He probably would be returning above ground to the Oval Office by now, but then the show would have to build another set and that's not about to happen for a scene this short. Besides, the glass doors come into play as Palmer presents himself outside them. The Veep toolishly points at him, then turns his hand around to beckon Palmer into the room with the same finger. Tool. Palmer comes in, thinking, Tool. The Veep clasps Palmer's hand, saying, "I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of goodwill from heads of state around the world." "Well deserved, Mr. President," Palmer says graciously. The Veep smiles and says, "You played a role, David. You…played…a role." Palmer manages not to laugh in the Veep's face while thanking him. Too, too, toolish, he's thinking. "So, what can I do for you?" the Veep expansively says to Palmer. Palmer asks for a moment alone with the Veep, and the room clears out except for the two prezzes. Once they're alone, Palmer cuts to the chase: "I have reason to believe that your Security Chief may be preempting your decision to hand Kiefer over to the Chinese." Security Chief? Bewigged Victor Garber is in on policy discussions and he's the Vice President's Security Chief? I don't understand this show at all sometimes. The Veep asks for clarification, and Palmer gives it to him. The Veep chuckles, and says BVG was only speaking hypothetically. And besides, the Veep shot the idea down. Palmer says he's only asking the Veep to talk to BVG, but the Veep pooh-poohs the idea as "some half-baked conspiracy --" Palmer cuts in to say he's earned the right to have his concerns taken seriously. The Veep agrees Palmer has, "but it's also no secret that your presidency was infected with a certain level of paranoia and scandal. I won't allow that in my administration. Questioning my security chief would not only undermine his authority, it would compromise mine as well." I only transcribed all that because it doesn't make a lick of sense to me and I couldn't figure out how to boil it down. Palmer's got a more succinct summary, however: "Hear no evil." The Veep looks like he's about to get pissed off, but then he remembers that as the President, he doesn't have to. He kicks Palmer out of his office as politely as possible, smiling unctuously. Palmer turns and walks to the door at 6:42:32 without another word. He turns at the exit, and the Veep simply sits down behind the Undal Office desk. Palmer sort of smiles back at him, like, Tool. And leaves. Hey, Palmer, that tool just beat your ass good.
It's been over an hour since we've seen Soul Patch shirtless, so it's a good thing we've got this locker-room scene here. He pulls on a black t-shirt. Kiefer comes in through the glass door in the glass wall -- of the locker room, you'll recall -- and starts working the combination on his own locker. He got a locker? And he knows the combination already? He and Soul Patch say hey to each other. Soul Patch says he just found out that the Veep is going to make Kiefer take the heat for the Chinese Consulate situation. "No one's making me do anything," Kiefer grunts. "The President didn't have a choice." Soul Patch says that doesn't make it fair. "It is what it is," Kiefer says, rather than suggesting that Soul Patch also turn himself in for running tactical on the operation. ["I assumed he felt that Soul Patch already ate enough taking-the-fall shit last season." -- Sars] Kiefer's cell phone rings. At the other end, Palmer, calling from an above-ground hallway in the White House, urgently asks if Kiefer's still at CTU. Kiefer says he is, and that Soul Patch is "just about to debrief me." And now we know why the locker room has glass walls. Palmer tells Kiefer not to turn himself in: "The man they're sending to take you into custody has orders to kill you." Kiefer asks if the Veep authorized it, and Palmer says the Veep won't do anything to stop it. "Get out of there now," Palmer finishes. Kiefer thanks him and hangs up. Then he gets an idea and a steely little smile, and looks back through the locker room wall at Soul Patch. And steps back inside.