Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Pain In My Ass
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 10 | Aired on 01.16.2002
Phoebe pushes her way into the kitchen with, "Am I the world's biggest bitch or what?" Piper, scrambling some eggs on the center island, pauses pregnantly to exchange A Look with the Dolt before answering, "Nah. Too easy." As she pours a cup of coffee, Phoebe moans, "Cole vanquished his demon half." As I tap my cigarette against the ashtray, I moan, "No, Feebs, he didn't. Emma The Forlorn Fiancée did." "He gave up everything he has ever known for me," Phoebe continues. "No, Feebs, he didn't," I counter. "He had no choice whatsoever in the matter. Emma smashed the Demon Be Gone into his back and Belthazor took his Flaming Balls Of Death back to Hell in a fiery snit, so shut up. Now." Phoebe doesn't listen to me. She never does. She bemoans the fact that she can't find it in herself to marry the guy. I bemoan the fact I can't find it in myself to care, and yet I must continue recapping this conversation. Piper and the Dolt lay a little pop psychology on Phoebe, claiming that Phoebe's primary reason for dating Cole was her unspoken, and perhaps unacknowledged, certainty that the relationship would be short-lived. You know, because of the whole "witches can't marry demons" thing. And, evidently, because of the whole "all relationships must culminate in a trip down the aisle or death" thing I must have missed the memo on at some point.
Phoebe, thankfully, switches the topic of conversation over to Raige and her inexplicable inability to offer assistance the previous evening. "That is so weird," Phoebe observes. "I mean, she can handle demons now, but she can't handle a car wreck?" Oh, I don't know. Raige seems to be handling the season thus far just fine, Phoebe. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT! The Dolt ducks his head down and clams up during the Raige chat, drawing the attention of Piper and Phoebe. Questioned on his uncharacteristic silence, the Dolt eventually admits Raige told him "in confidence" that her adoptive parents died in a car wreck "eight years ago when she was still in high school." You mean they missed out on Tonya and Nancy and both O.J. trials? Poor adoptive parents. Not. Raige never properly dealt with their deaths, the Dolt reveals, which probably explains her aversion to exploding hatchbacks. Phoebe suggests that the trio "help her deal with it." Piper and the Dolt purse their respective lips and stare into the middle distance.
BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES, still living up to its name as Raige is on the phone, not promoting the cause of a client but rather checking on the condition of the unnamed woman from the previous evening's accident. To Raige's relief, the woman is fine. As she hangs up the phone, she spots Piper and Phoebe barreling through the office doors. They, of course, want to chat about the horrific accident that left Raige's parents smeared all over a city intersection. Raige, of course, wants them to go to hell. She grabs a couple of folders off her desk and storms over to the copier as Piper and Phoebe trail behind her, peppering her with comforting noises. Raige loses it, shouting as she does so. All work in the office halts as Raige's colleagues gawk at the witchy triad. Wait. "Work"? Sorry. My bad. Raige pulls it together long enough to beg them to drop the subject for the moment, promising to ditch the BLACK HOLE to meet them both back at the Manor. Raige brushes past Piper and Phoebe to inform her boss, while Piper and Phoebe fruitlessly will the ground beneath them to open up and swallow their guilt-ridden selves whole.