Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Pain In My Ass
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 10 | Aired on 01.16.2002
And just what, exactly, is the first commercial? One of thetruth.com's "hidden camera" spots. I light a Marlboro Red and give an entire Hispanic family the finger.
Back from the break, Raige stomps down the stairs in search of her father to apologize. The Dolt stops her to remind her of the rules for their visit. She is to relive the day exactly as she did eight years ago. Should she forget something, the Dolt is there to remind her. Also, only she can see the Dolt. Uh huh. So, during the next thirty-five minutes, Raige will attempt to alter the past, the Dolt will try to stop her, and the people around them will think Raige is schizophrenic because she appears to be talking to air. Am I right? Like I have to ask. Does that mean I can skip to the end? No? Dammit.
Raige eavesdrops on her parents, who bemoan their foundling's wicked, wicked ways. It sounds like the typical complaints any two parents of an adolescent would have -- ohmygod she's smoking, ohmygod she'll never get into college, ohmygod she thinks Metallica is good -- but Raige interprets it all to mean they hate her and she should never have been suffered to live and gee, wouldn't it be great if she were kidnapped into white slavery so they'd never have to deal with her again? The Dolt tells the little camper to buck up and remember what she's there for. Raige bravely fixes a bright smile on her angst-ridden face and pushes through the kitchen door to greet her mother. Good Lord, it's Va-Jane-Ah from Popular. Poor Lisa Darr. What did she do to deserve this? Raige rushes into her mother's arms, exclaiming, "I missed you so much!" Lisa Darr clearly thinks Raige is tweaking on Ecstasy. Referring to Raige's earlier unwarranted display of affection, Pops snorts, "See what I told you?" Pops and Lisa turn their backs on her to finish washing up the dishes in the sink. Raige launches into a speech wherein she promises to straighten out her life. Lisa and Pops have heard it all before, and call Raige on her "you're not my real parents" tirade from the previous evening. So Raige didn't throw that particular hissy in the car, then. Interesting. It's a pity (spoiler!) that the vagaries of one's memory of traumatic events will never be explored in this episode. Pops and Lisa roll their eyes at each other as Raige rants on and on and on, which I find very amusing. Pops at last tells Raige to can it and get her ass to school; they'll talk about everything that evening at the family dinner. Yeah, the family dinner -- of doom! The Dolt reminds Raige she must repeat every action, no matter how trivial. Raige pouts and stomps off to attend the triviality that is high school. The Dolt exits the same way That "Clyde" Person did: his image falls into high contrast, with the darker bits melting away as the brighter bits flare out. Cool effect. Too bad they'll never use it again after this episode.
Elsewhere in time, Piper sautés some onions for a pork roast. Phoebe, the other other white meat, teases her hair while gazing at her reflection in a mirror and pouts, "Do you think I'm a natural beauty, or is this one of those gym bodies?" I am so not touching that one. Piper, picking up on the cracker accent, snorts, "What is with the Blanche DuBois?" Actually, she's more Marilyn in Bus Stop than Vivien in Streetcar, Piper, but I'll let you have that one. Cole enters, still clad in that fugly brown turtleneck. He pecks Phoebe on her lips and asks, "What's up?" Phoebe Possessed gives him the once over, purring something about him being "the most, to say the least." I have a Grease flashback. Insert your own version of Patty Simcox's tittering giggle here. Phoebe wiggles her eyebrows at the "Frankie" swirl, which has been lurking near the ceiling the entire time. Frankie dive-bombs headfirst into Cole's crotch. I wish I were kidding on that one. Cole straightens up (not like that) and pounces on Phoebe to commence with the spit-swapping. Given the swirl's chosen point of entry, you'd think Cole Possessed would instead head back to The Loneliest Precinct House In The World to see if Darryl's ready for "lunch." Piper natters on obliviously in the foreground about "sisters' night" and wah before noticing that Phoebe and Cole are a couple of hastily-discarded pairs of pants away from doing it right up against the refrigerator. She rolls her eyes and sets a fresh-from-the-oven Bundt cake on the center island. The possessed pair stop with the spit-swapping and dig their fingers into the cake. Piper bats them away, telling them to head elsewhere if they're hungry. Cole surreptitiously steals Piper's car keys from a nearby counter, calling Phoebe "Lulu" as he does so. Piper throws a conniption, the scale of which dwarfs the collective conniption recently thrown by Enron's shareholders: "Enough with the pet names and the accents in the kitchen and could you come up with something better than 'Lulu'? It sounds like a poodle." Good point, though it's better than "Mallory," which sounds like a duck. While we're on the subject, Frankie's a lousy name as well. Why not just go to the source, guys? The Possessed are going to be Charlie and Caril for the rest of the recap, and you can blow me if you don't like it. Speaking of blowing, Charlie doesn't like Piper calling his Caril a poodle. So, he picks up a carving knife from the center island and, in Julian McMahon's best cracker accent, threatens Piper with it. Piper finally realizes that something demonic is afoot in Halliwell Manor. Caril explains she and Charlie are ghosts with a bit of fifty-year-old unfinished business, then belts Piper in the face.
High School Of The Damned. Raige can't believe she remembers her locker combination. I can't believe we're only halfway through this hateful episode. Raige receives a page from a "Michelle Miglis," eliciting a set of raised eyebrows from the pill of a Dolt. "You had a pager in high school?" he asks. Unfortunately, he leaves out the accompanying "Did you deal drugs?" which viewers of a certain age would expect to follow that question. Raige blows him off as Michelle Miglis appears next to Raige's locker. Yes, they're doing that Clueless thing where the kids are so over-wired to the new technology that they use their pagers and cell phones to contact each other, despite the fact they're standing five feet from each other at the time. I should give them props for referencing an actual movie from 1994. Then again, 1994 was the last time that joke was funny. Michelle snits at Raige, "Remember your whole peppermint schnapps theory? How you can't tell it from a breath mint? Well, you're wrong. I got. So. Busted." Snicker. Speaking from experience, Michelle, the same goes for menthol cigarettes. Just so you know. The Dolt disapproves. "You drank at high school?" Oh, lay off her. It's not like she got baked in her sister's Volkswagen Rabbit with Lori O'Connell and Lori's little freshman brother at eight in the morning right before senior assembly on the first day of school or anything, Dolt.