Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Men Suck
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.03.2003
For those who want the truth revealed,
Opened hearts, and secrets unsealed
From now until it's now again,
After which the memory ends.
Despite the fact that she doesn't complete the fucking spell, a swirl of twinkly white lights dances around Ratbag's chest. I mean, fine -- I get that she couldn't have read the remaining two lines as originally written; otherwise, Raige herself would be subject to the spell's effects. But couldn't someone have whipped up a closing couplet appropriate to the situation? Like this:
The Raige who reads this will unleash
The wacky truth from her slampiece.
See? How difficult was that? Stupid show.
Anyway, Ratbag bats at the lights with his hands for a moment before Raige drops the witch bomb. Ratbag, of course, thinks she's joking until she orbs over to perch on the piano. Ratbag's momentarily stunned, which Raige instantly interprets as disapproval. He asks her to give him a second to process the whole thing, then enthuses about the wicked amounts of cool inherent in dating an honest-to-God witch. "My wife is gonna love this!" Raige, who'd been beaming with joy, drops her jaw in shock. "'Scuse me?" she bleats. "Um. Did I just say 'wife'?" Ratbag wonders. "You're married?" Raige spits. "You didn't tell me you were married." "Yeah, well, I didn't tell you I had children, either," Ratbag shrugs. "Did I just say 'kids,' too?" No, Ratbag. You said "children." But I'll let it slide. Ratbag claps a distressed hand over his mouth. Raige prepares to castrate his flea-bitten ass.
Back at the Manor, Piper's opened the Book to Chris Sarandon's entry. I'll skip ahead a bit to transcribe it: "The Necromancer is not a demon but the ghost of a demon who was vanquished. Mostly dwelling in the sprit realm, he has dominion over the dead, although he has been known to escape to the land of the living. He no longer possesses powers of his own, but feeding on the souls of the magical dead imbues him with temporary life. The length of his empowerment depends on the strength of the blah blah illegible but we get it already." Piper notes with a bit of surprise that Grams has appended the main entry with personal scribblings such as "enjoys Clark Gable movies" and "favorite dinner: lamp chops with mint jelly." Had she half the brain she used to, Piper would immediately recognize what's up with Grams and the demon of the week. Unfortunately, childbirth appears to have destroyed her memory, so she placidly follows Grams's lead. Grams intends to smack Corporeal Chris back into the spirit realm to prevent an attack on the Glamorous Grandladies during The Rapidly Aging Done One's Wiccaning. She crosses to the table to begin work on the appropriate potion. While futzing with various ingredients, she too-casually leads, "You know, I'm still surprised you had a boy." Piper reminds Grams that there's always fifty-fifty chance as far as these things go, but Grams shoots back, "Not in our family. Three hundred years and not a male in the bunch." Just as I'm about to remind her of her own damn brother, Grams qualifies, "We've never had a male witch, and men are just so…" "Evil!" Raige pouts as she clomps in from the stairs. "They're just evil!"
Raige gives them the skinny on Slampiece Ratbag's lovely wife and children. Sympathetic cooing noises all around. Grams sashays over to the Book while purring, "There's no wrath like a witch scorned, I always say." And I always say that Grams would correctly reference a quote like that, Idiot Hack Who Wrote This Episode, so I'll pretend the line was "Hell hath no fury like a witch scorned," and keep moving. Grams swings the Book around on its stand. "Care to take it out on him?" she smiles at Raige, indicating the watercolor of Corporeal Chris. The camera pulls in on the image before the shot cross-fades to…