Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Men Suck
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.03.2003
…Corporeal Chris reclining on a bier. An unearthly bluish light glows off to one side of the frame. Chris, assuming that Short Dick has returned with another unfortunate, wearily sighs, "What measly crumbs have you brought me this time?" "Nothing you're gonna like," Grams sasses from across the chamber. Corporeal Chris bolts upright on his slab and perks, "Penny!" "'Penny'?" Piper howls. Grams ignores this outburst from her bitchy descendent in favor of striking a jujitsu pose to shoot massive amounts of telekinetic energy from her fingertips into Corporeal Chris. Corporeal Chris flies through the air to vanquish a stone urn with his antiquated behind. "What are you waiting for?" Grams snaps. "Throw the damn potion!" Raige tosses the vial onto Chris's chest, and he instantly disappears in a rather impressive billow of flame. Grams grins, then turns to face her granddaughters with a look of studied innocence on her face. "What?" she asks. Shocked into silence, Piper and Raige glare and gape, respectively, before dropping into the commercial break.
Manor. Up in The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities -- currently occupied by Phoebe -- Piper and Raige voice their suspicions about Grams and Corporeal Chris while Phoebe tosses "appropriate" Chinese expressions into the conversation. By the way, Phoebe looks good tonight. Fresh. Youthful. Neither fresh nor youthful enough to comment upon further, but certainly not as stale and wizened as she was in certain recent episodes. Just thought I'd toss that out there in case one of Eilish's minions is reading this. Phoebe's about to dish the dirt on Chronic's Hong Kong proposal when the Dolt enters with both the cordless and The Rapidly Aging Done One. Darryl's on the horn, "pissed" about Raige's "boyfriend." "Ex-boyfriend," Raige sneers, snatching the phone from the Dolt's hand and barreling out of the Boudoir. Piper wonders why Grams isn't busy spoiling The Rapidly Aging Done One rotten. The Dolt suggests that Grams might want nothing to do with the kid. "Grams doesn't like the fact that [My Cracker's] a boy," the Dolt snits as Phoebe casts a worried eye on the proceedings. "And she makes no bones about it."
Cut to Short Dick arranging -- yep, you guessed it -- bones in the shape of a pentagon on the dusty floor of Corporeal Chris's chamber. He rises to chant some Craptin while sprinkling pixie dust around. A vortex opens at the pentagon's center, and Spectral Chris presently materializes above it all. Spectral Chris arrives love-struck, and he's pretty damn amusing about it, too. He calls Grams "the witch who stole my heart" and, enraptured, practically sings, "Ah, the glint in her eye! The way she held up her hand and sent me hurtling into that wall!" Short Dick winces in sympathetic pain. Just die already, Dick. "Didn't hurt as much as the potion, though," Chris admits conspiratorially. "I could tell she made it herself. The flames. Were. Excruciating! She was furious with me, which can only mean one thing: She still feels the passion! The heat!" Heh. It's nice to see a demon of the week reveling in Charmed's campiness. Far too many of these guest losers take themselves far too seriously. Spectral Chris wonders why Grams has returned to San Francisco, and upon learning of The Done One's birth, orders Short Dick to fetch him an elf. "I'm going to need all my energy if I'm going to take on Penny Halliwell, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Rrrwoar." Or maybe he shuts up after saying her name.