Episode Report Card Niki: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sex, Lies, and Bugaboos
By Niki | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.11.1999
Judy looks up from a counter at the bookstore and says, "Mock Trial. Sounds fun." She doesn't sound as though she means it. Lily doesn't think it sounds like fun, either. Her face lights up, though, as she wheedles, "So, you haven't said anything about Rick." Judy remains facing a shelf of books and says, "Yeah, I did." Lily clarifies, "Besides the fact that he left his scarf." Judy keeps studying the spines, insisting, "He did." Lily waits expectantly. When Judy continues straightening the books, she cries, "Judy!" and slaps her hands on her hips. Judy plasters on a smile and turns to face her, weaseling, "What do you want me to say? I barely...I mean we...It was so brief!"
Soliloquy Judy cuts the shit: "He's typical, that's all. Typical wounded, you know. 'Like me, like me! I'm needy, and waspy with all this [sucking in cheeks] bone structure, and I've been hurt, you know, in this way that makes me seem interesting, so try and figure out who I am while I suck you dry.'" She wants him.
"I didn't really form an impression," Judy says, in that voice people use on Christmas morning when they open up a pair of fleece pajamas with matching slippers that are printed with moose wearing the same pajamas so it's like tacky infinity. (I really hope my grandmother doesn't read this.) Lily's not buying Judy's drama for a second. With a silent glare, she spins around and starts dusting the shelf, her jaw set angrily. She spins around and demands, "So where is his scarf?" Judy apologizes for forgetting it, and then facetiously asks, "Who wears a scarf in October? Hasn't he heard of global warming?" Lily swipes at the shelf with a dust rag, imagining it's Judy's head.
At the office, David and Rick are hashing over the details of Judy's place. "A Playboy? In her bathroom?" David slobbers. "And a Playgirl," Rick points out, so that David doesn't get the wrong idea about Judy. David's tiny brain is stuck. "But a copy of Playboy?" he asks again. "No, an actual playboy, with white loafers and a yachting jacket," Rick snarks. Heh. David smiles at the warm feeling in his pants and asks whether "the sister" is "an attractive individual." Rick says, "If you like hostile and self-absorbed. And I know you do." Oh, burn! David wracks his brain for the catch in this too-good-to-be-true woman. "Cat?" he demands. "No cat," Rick assures him. What is it with these people and cats? David mulls. "And you said she was significantly more, uh, relaxed at her sister's place?" Rick stares off all dreamy and oozes, "Yeeeeah." Something poisons the reverie and he snaps, "But she's a pain in the ass!" "The sister," David asks. "The sister," Rick confirms. David clarifies that Judy's place isn't somewhere Rick will be returning anytime soon. Wistfully, Rick answers, "Sadly, no." David informs him, "You know, scientists believe that, in the near future, people will actually be having sex in their own homes." Rick's eyes scream, "Oh, please."