Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Phantom Of The Maggot Neck Is Here
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.29.2005
"Piper is freaking out!" Raige insists over in Phoebe's office at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me. Phoebe, who's staring bleakly out the window, mumbles something in response that Raige barely acknowledges in favor of babbling on and on about exposure and whatnot until Phoebe cuts through all of that crap to wonder if Vex Pexter has called the Manor. Phoebe hasn't spoken to the guy since she revealed her bitchcraft to him, you see, and she's getting worried she'll never hear from him again. And since this is Jason Lewis's last contracted episode, she's very nearly right. It also means I can ignore this subplot, too. Wow. Raige's better be awesome, otherwise I'll have absolutely nothing to write about tonight. In any event, Raige fills Phoebe in on her brilliant plan to get the reporters off the Manor Morons' collective back. Phoebe's eyebrow shoots into the air when Raige mentions Seth's name, and she assures The Lippy Spastic that Seth won't back away from this story so easily. Seems he once wrote a mafia exposé for "the Times" -- and I'm just going to guess we're talking Los Angeles, here -- in the process outing one of his sources, a hooker named Carol Flowers who was subsequently whacked. The death continues to haunt him, apparently, and it's also some sort of asinine motivation for him to hound the Glamorous Ladies until he finds out what's really going on. Yeah, I don't get it, either. Well, aside from realizing that it's just plain lazy writing on the typewriting crackmonkeys' part to push so clichéd a backstory onto the Seth character. Just note that Raige thinks "the haunting could be good for [the Manor Morons]" and leave it at that. Phoebe -- still oddly preoccupied, and seemingly about Seth, from Raige's perspective, at least -- begs off until Raige finally demands to know what's really going on. Turns out Phoebe's Issue Of The Week has absolutely nothing to do with her colleague at the paper. "I'm pregnant," Phoebe eventually admits. Oh, wait a minute. Maybe Seth is involved in all of this. Raige, gobsmacked at this news, collapses onto the sofa in Phoebe's office and asks, "[Vex]?" "No," Phoebe wearily replies, "some guy I met at the gas station," and to be honest with you, it wasn't until Phoebe dropped the forlorn act and peevishly added, "Yes, of course [Vex]!" that I realized she wasn't kidding. For Phoebe is a brazen hussy. Seems the Feebs whizzed up a stick that morning and got a positive result, though given how stupid everyone on this show is, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that she misread the damn thing. Raige, however, instantly accepts the news as gospel, and offers her trampy hag of a half-sister a sympathetic smile while inappropriately joking, "Well, the hits just keep on coming!"
"And so do demons," tonight's dark demonic force sent from the flaming maw of Hell replies in one of those call-and-response transitions I enjoy so much. "But instead of fighting them," he continues, "I plan on leading them." He's speaking from the depths of the Not!warts library, and because he doesn't get an actual name for another half an hour, and because they've saddled this pathetic actor with a Phantom Of The Opera half-mask and cape for this evening's festivities, I'll be calling him The Phantom Of The Crappy Subplot until told otherwise. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I think the character's actual name is Calgon. Oh, what? Don't look at me like that. We're well into the eighth year of this, people. You knew they were going to have to start naming these losers after over-the-counter spa treatments sooner or later. This is the show that christened one of its Big Bads for a chicken shack, after all. I wouldn't put anything past these jackholes at this point. Anyway, long story short, tonight's Nefarious Demonic Plot For World Domination involves The Phantom Of The Crappy Subplot sporking other demons in order to suck up their varied powers until he's amassed enough to assume control of the Underworld, which is in desperate need of a new leader now that the Charmed Ones have emerged from hiding. And because we've seen this plot point play out at least forty-three times since the fourth season, it's safe to say The Phantom Of The Crappy Subplot is going to fail miserably long before the end of the hour, right? And...that's pretty much all anyone needs to know about all this, I suppose. Well, except perhaps for the fact that The Phantom Of The Crappy Subplot's primary henchdemon is an Aberzombie frathead clad in a cheap black sweatshirt with a matching choker around his neck. No, I'm not kidding with that. Lousy show, with its lousy budget for this lousy season.