Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Phantom Of The Maggot Neck Is Here
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.29.2005
Down in the upper hall, Raige skitters over to Piper and the Dolt, who'd been lounging around watching the departing media types shuffle past. "[Retard's] in trouble!" Raige pants. "Again."
I'll say. Over in The Retarded Bimbo's dorm room, The Phantom Of The Crappy Subplot has just heaved the room's maggoty-necked occupant through a desk. He howls about how he's come too far to let some bimbo simp ruin everything for him, before pitching a fit when Raige quite unexpectedly orbs into the room to latch onto the somewhat injured Retard and orb right back out with her. The Phantom Of The Crappy Subplot KHAAAAANs his way into the next commercial break.
Nonexistent Attic. Aftermath. Raige brews something nasty in the potions pot as Phoebe dabs at the gouge beneath The Retard's eye with a wet cloth. Meanwhile, Piper's pacing the floor, fretting once more about exposure and whatnot. Long story short, the Glamorous Gals and the audience at long last learn what The Retard's annoying flashbacks are really about, and I've been through this Overcoming Childhood Trauma To Become A Fully Functioning Member Of Magikal Society storyline way too many times to give a shit about this now. And if I didn't give a rat's ass about The Retard, I care even less about her abducted older sister, who's the real focus of The Retard's tale of woe. You see, one Halloween night long, long ago, a black-eyed and goateed demon with tribal tattoos scarring his face came flying into the bedroom the little blonde Retard shared with her older brunette sister and, after tearing through the sister's bunk with his Freddy Krueger glove, flew right back out with the brunette in his arms. Back in the present, The Retard wails that her parents refused to believe her when she told them what happened, and insisted her older sister had been kidnapped by some entirely random and very human weirdo. That's some excellent parenting skills, there. Just as The Retard finishes her story, The Phantom Of The Crappy Subplot smears into the nonexistent room and snatches at her throat with his Chris Of The Spider Woman claw. "Move and she dies," he threatens. So what does Piper do? Move, of course. I don't know whether to laugh because she obviously wants to be rid of this bleached blonde annoyance for good, or to cry because everyone on this show is so miserably stupid. In any event, Piper quickly presses the just-completed vanquish Raige had been working on into The Retard's hand right before The Phantom smears away with her. "What now?" Raige gapes. "We trust her," Phoebe replies, because Phoebe wants her dead as much as Piper does, apparently.
Not!warts. The Phantom Of The Crappy Subplot smears into the library and pitches The Retarded Bimbo across the marble floor. After making with the threats and sneering at each other and such, The Retard at long last flings the vial into The Phantom's mouth (don't ask) where it shatters (don't ask) to send him blazing on his merry way down to The Waste Land. Without his mask, which spins around in the air for a bit before falling to the floor. What. EVER. The simpering Retard tosses her hair right into...