Episode Report Card Erin: B- | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT You Give Me Fever
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 10 | Aired on 12.06.2003
Moscow. Huh. We've been here before, I believe, but I have nothing pithy to say about it. Must be the vodka. Mmmm…vodka. After the Moscow establishing shot, we're in some random torture room, and Sark bursts in, looking down at Lazaracratenbarrel, who's strapped to what looks like a makeshift torture chair. It must be underground, because we hear things dripping in the background. Sark sends some random guard out of the room, and he slams the door shut. Sark moves over to Lazapotterybarn and straddles a chair right in front of him. Sark looks at him curiously.
"Who are you?" asks Lazarey, because, really, how long can I continue this "make up Lazarey's name as you go along" thing? "You abandoned me as a child," says Sark. "The vague memory I have of you, you were physically abusive." Well, that's reason enough to have this guy in shackles as far as I'm concerned. You should kick him a couple times too, while you're at it. But Sark just goes on to say that Lazarey left him eight million dollars and should he go on? Well, yes, actually, you SHOULD go on, Sark, because we want to know what your first name is. Lazarey kind of looks at Sark in recognition. "Hello, Daddy," says Sark. Heh. Lazarey's all, dude? You weren't grateful? Your eight-mil inheritance wasn't enough? Sark's all, I know the truth, dude. And therefore, I feel no remorse, seeing you all strapped up like this. "I was an apparatchik by profession," says Lazarey, making me squeal with glee because I spelled "apparatchik" properly, apparently, even though I have no idea what it is, because Microsoft Word didn't call me on the spelling! Okay. Gimme a minute. I have to go and see what in the HELL "apparatchik" actually means…according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, "apparatchik" means "a member of a Communist apparat" or "an official blindly devoted to superiors or to the organization." "Apparat" gleans no further answers other than that the word is Russian. Happy now?
So, Lazarey was a Russian lackey, basically, but he also happens to be a Romanov. He goes on to say that his being a Romanov by blood is one of the reasons he staged his death. To give Sark the inheritance that is rightfully his. Sark's all, oh, yeah, nice spin, Daddy. You should know that the money you earmarked for my affections is now being gainfully used by my employer, The Covenant. "Julian," says Lazarey, "the Covenant…they are…true evil…" Julian's not interested in the Covenant, however. He's only interested in Will and what Lazarey said to him. "Huh," says Sark Daddy. "Patetic." And, yes, the misspelling is intentional. Sark Daddy kind of looks away from his son, as if he's too disgusted to even acknowledge Julian as his own blood. Julian looks at his father, the expression on his face all, "Oh, 'patetic,' am I? We'll just see about that." Sark picks up a mini blowtorch and tells his father that he'll give him a minute to remember exactly what he said to Will. Lazarey doesn't respond. "I'll ask you one more time," says Sark, brandishing the blowtorch, "what exactly did you tell the man you were meeting with?" "You wouldn't do something like zis," says Lazarey. "Not to your own fazzer?" Sark then holds the blowtorch directly to his fazzer's face. We hear his screams. Aw. Too bad, Lazarey. Your son doesn't hold you in high enough esteem to save you from the mini blowtorch. Shocker. Go physically abuse some other family members and see how THEY react.