Episode Report Card Erin: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Bitch Is Back
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 6 | Aired on 11.01.2003
Oh, wait! Shhh. Spy Daddy's shown up for his requisite two-second expository dialogue scene. Silence! Jack says that Lange was contracted to develop a test that could detect security flaws in the Russian nuclear control and command system. Now it's Marshall's turn to do what he does best: ANNOY ME. He gibbers and gabbers and finally, thankfully, Sydney pipes up with her own synopsis of just what in the hell Lange designed: "It's a skeleton key for Russia's nuclear weapons." Wow. Took Syd eight words, and it took Marshall approximately FOURTEEN HOURS. God. GOD.
Killjoy wants to know if the device was ever delivered to the Covenant. Shh. Jack's up again. And this time he has more than TEN WORDS. Lange didn't hand the device over and went undercover instead so that the Covenant wouldn't get it. Dix informs everyone that the picture they're looking at of Lange is old, and that he's had reconstructive surgery since. Well, I certainly HOPE so. Good lord. His nose is just…wrong. In fact, it's so wrong that Wendy Kroy and Rona were convinced that no one in the room was actually looking at the nose because it was so huge and bulbous that they just couldn't deal with it. "That nose is so huge, it interferes with the damn security system," crowed Wendy in my ear last night. "Reconstructive surgery MY ASS. That man needed an Extreme Makeover."
So, anyway, Fugly Lange's supposed to meet with some Strauss dude at a club in Milan in order to pick up new identity papers. Jack reminds everyone that the Covenant probably wants to grab Lange and the skeleton key. Dix orders Vaughn and Syd to get to Lange before the Covenant does. The meeting disperses, and Dix asks Syd and Killjoy to stay behind. Looks like it's time for Bogus Plot Device Moment #8,772. Dix orders Syd to take over as Sloane's handler. Syd doesn't like it. Neither does Killjoy. Dix, with literally NO emotion whatsoever, just tells Syd that she's more familiar with the players, and then drops the bomb that Francinator is still alive. Syd's all, that bitch? Still alive? Man. Now I'm gonna have to kill her. Again. Some MORE.
We cut back to Strassburg as Theodosius Sark is getting kicked out of The Van of Covenant Dealings. "You can thank me later," snarks Peter. The van speeds off, and Xavier Sark turns to look at the black car in front of him. And, yes, David Anders can wear a black turtleneck and black anorak like nobody's business. The door to the car opens up, and a pair of mighty nice legs exits and makes their way toward Bartholomew Sark. He just stares really hard. And that's when we see why he's staring really hard. It's Francinator, sporting some rather terrifying hair and even more terrifying BLUE EYESHADOW. She's eeeeevil. Eeeeevil people don't wear blue eyeshadow! They wear eeeeevil dark eyeshadow and red lipstick! Give her a nice charcoal dusting and some Vamp lip-gloss, for god's sake! Blue eyeshadow belongs on a beauty queen from 1968, all right? God. GOD.
Francinator, even while modeling the latest in bad shadow colors, still manages to look damn good. Especially considering she was DEAD the last time we saw her. Drayden Sark seems to like what he sees too, because he lays a nice wet one on her the instant she walks up to him. "You look like you've seen a ghost," she sneers. Then she smiles at him as the expression on his face says, um, I think I AM seeing a ghost, baby. Let's make out some more, though. We can talk about the dead thing later.