Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | 104 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Coyote Not-So-Ugly
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 9 | Aired on 2001.01.11
Blathercakes from Piper about having to keep secret the fact she's part of a powerful triad of witches who fight evil with the help of a White Lighter. Rather than seeing that, her former classmates will see a "loser who still lives at home with her sisters and her unemployed boyfriend." Prue changes the topic, promising Piper a makeover of epic proportions in time for the party. "Who do you think helped Phoebe go blonde?" she adds. I wouldn't brag about that if I were you, sweetie. Leo notes that it might be a good idea if they invited Phoebe along, and we hit this week's exposition of past events. For Christ's sake, I wish they would just start airing "previously on Charmed" bits so I wouldn't have to sit through this crap. For those of you who fried too many brain cells self-medicating during the holiday visits with family to remember the last episode, Phoebe's been in a bit of a funk since she had to get rid of her demonic boyfriend, Cole, and Prue thinks Phoebe's been avoiding the others because of this. Piper snits off upstairs as Prue tells Leo to work on Phoebe while she gets to work on Piper.
You'd be expecting the opening credits at this point, wouldn't you? Well, you're wrong. Cut to a shot of a male hand smashing a couple of glass vials to bits on a wooden table. We pull back to reveal the owner of the hand, and I have to give credit to the make-up effects department for making this week's scenery-chomping bad guy really look like a demon pig from Hell. Oh, wait. Those aren't prosthetics. "I made you from my own blood," Piggy snorts, and the shot cuts to a femme-fatale type with bigger hair and more lip gloss than Piper. She's wearing a blue peasant blouse with one shoulder naughtily exposed, because she's as evil and nasty as Piggy. Piggy is wearing a loose blue satin top that stretches over his Doughboy belly in a most unattractive manner, making him look like one of those rapidly-aging resort queens who travel to South Beach with their fluffy white cats named Precious and Bitsy to ogle the hot dancing gay boys at Liquid. The Slut calls Piggy "Kierkan, the Dark and Powerful Alchemist" and Piggy calls the Slut "Terra," but I'll be sticking to my original names for both. Piggy, apparently, created the Slut in a little green mixing bottle he keeps under glass. He somehow obtained the "perfect body" for the Slut, and now keeps her locked in a subterranean chamber. The Slut has grown tired of this arrangement and wants to get out of the dungeon, presumably to vanquish the Halliwells, but Piggy's having none of it. Piggy hints that he may just toss the Slut back into the bottle and start again, but the sly Slut snatches a dagger from the table and plunges it deep into her ample bosom. Piggy screams, "No!" as the Slut sinks to her knees, and he makes for the green bottle. The Slut falls on her back as The Essence of Slut rises in a blue mist above her corpse. SlutEssence slips through a crack in the door as Piggy wails after her.