Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | 104 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Coyote Not-So-Ugly
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 9 | Aired on 2001.01.11
Piper returns to Leo's side in time for him to note that The Powers That Be are ringing his bell again. Piper makes him "double extra promise" to be back in time to escort her to the reunion, and I stifle my gag reflex as they lean in for a kiss. The camera pans over to an ecru Mercedes parked a bit down the street. Smirking all the while, SlutAndrew watches as Piper perks her way into the SUV. RealAndrew, appearing in the vanity mirror on the visor, pantingly begs SlutAndrew to leave his body. SlutAndrew replies that he/she/it can't do that until he/she/it gets one of the Halliwells alone, as the transfer of the SlutEssence is a "messy" process. RealAndrew begs some more, noting he can't breathe. SlutAndrew smoothly informs RealAndrew it's because his "soul is dying," flips the visor up, and fires up the Merc to follow the SUV and the convertible.
Meanwhile, at your friendly neighborhood cemetery, Phoebe has decided to skip the schoolwork to visit the Mausoleum's mausoleum. I know she's grieving for her lost boyfriend and all, so I should cut her a little slack on her wardrobe, but please. Enough with the gauzy paisley wraps over black pants, hon. Phoebe squats down over the hole Cole's vanquished shirt ate into the marble floor, holding her hands above it as if to summon him. She talks to him, telling him she can no longer keep lying to her sisters. Phoebe needs to tell Piper and Prue she let Cole go, that he won't harm them, and that he loves her, but she doesn't know how to do it. She leans back against a stone bier in frustration, and is flung into a vision. A woman who looks like she could be playing Annie Sullivan in a low-rent version of The Miracle Worker turns on a mustachioed Victorian gent, her eyes blazing with demonic bitchery. She snatches a wailing child from the man's hands, and shoots a blue ball of death at the mustachioed one's chest as the child screams in her arms. Phoebe turns and scrapes away decades of dust from the bier's engraved nameplate to reveal "Benjamin Colerige Turner, 1859-1888." I suppose he must have married into the Mausoleum clan. And the mustachioed one looked a lot older than twenty-nine, but whatever. Phoebe apprehensively eyes the empty mausoleum around her.
P3. Flunkies hang a "Reunion Party" sign as a bottle-blonde bitch snipes about the "wrinkles in the middle" of the banner. Prue and Piper enter in mid-pep-talk, which is cut short when Piper recognizes the bottle-blonde bitch as "Missy Campbell, homecoming queen." Prue again reassures Piper and moves to join Justin at the bar. Piper approaches Missy, the Bottle-Blonde Bitch, and introduces herself. Not as "Piper Halliwell, the owner of the club which is quite graciously hosting both the reunion and your dark roots, you pathetic sow," but as "Piper Halliwell, the geek you had Chemistry and English with." Well, not exactly in those words, but close enough. You can almost hear Piper's spine slithering down her leg to slink across the floor and hide in a dark corner at the sight of the B-BB. The B-BB makes an entirely uncalled-for remark about Piper's complexion having cleared up, and asks Piper if she uses Accutane. Instead of telling this cooze into which orifice she can cram her attitude, Piper makes meek noises about it being ten years and all. Piper then offers to help with the set-up. The B-BB tells her to take out the trash. Piper should start with Missy.