Episode Report Card Wing Chun: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT National Lampoon's Kashmiri Vacation
By Wing Chun | Season 2 | Episode 9 | Aired on 12.07.2002
Before Jack can come up with a fitting answer, the cell door opens and a soldier walks in, saying that Sark is on the telephone. Irina backs away from Jack and takes a few deep breaths. Cuvee steps next to Irina, cradles her chin in his hand, and -- keeping one eye on Jack the whole time -- plants a bunch of proprietary pecks on her cheek. Irina overacts getting all hot at his kisses. "Get the information," Cuvee tells her. "Meet me in my office." Making for the door, Cuvee raises his gun at Jack again and makes a quiet gunshot noise, complete with fake recoil. As Cuvee and the messenger soldier walk out, Irina walks back up to Jack and grabs his hands roughly with her left hand, wrenching his toward his shoulder. Sydney gasps and cries, again, some more. Keeping the gun trained on Jack, Irina leans in and hisses, "Dammit. I was caught. I had to do this, or we'd all be killed." Answering the question Sydney had asked Vaughn earlier, Irina explains, "They're not detonating the nukes. Here's what you have to do." We cut back to Sydney's POV as Irina gives Jack his instructions, so we have no idea what she's saying. Sydney looks terrified.
On the phone from SD-6, Sark asks Cuvee whether they're on target. Cuvee says they ran into a few problems. Starting to freak out, Sark asks what kind of problems. Cuvee casually says they have the situation under control: "We'll proceed as planned." Sark tells Cuvee, "Then I'll expect your report on the Rambaldi artifact within the hour." Cuvee hangs up and looks concerned.
Back in Jack's cell, Irina has apparently finished outlining the plan, and tells Jack, "Trust me on this." She lets go his hands. He glares, his jaw set. Wrapping it up, she says, "If you don't make it out, I'm sorry this happened." We cut back to Sydney just in time to see Mommy pistol-whip Daddy. I guess Christmas came early for the Bristow family. Sydney flinches again, and watches as Irina goes to the cell doorway and calls for someone to open it. She leaves. In his cell, Jack sits up and groans. He then opens his right hand, showing us the pair of keys Irina gave him.
Some airfield somewhere. The doctor who once diagnosed Joey Tribbiani's kidney stones now works at the airfield. He tells Vaughn that it's good to see him again, but that Vaughn came a long way for nothing. Vaughn tells him the CIA has people at the PRF base stealing the nukes. General Kidney Stones tells Vaughn that if those people fail, India will be the Pakistanis' first target. "They won't fail," Vaughn insists. General Kidney Stones reminds Vaughn that he can't guarantee that. Okay, dude, check it -- Vaughn thinks that the following argument will convince General Kidney Stones to call off the air strike: "General, if you launch those strikes now, you will be killing some of our best targets!" General Kidney Stones does not reply, "Oh, really? Are there a billion of your assets at the PRF base right now? No? Then I think the welfare of the population of India kind of outweighs your assets. Also? India didn't ask your assets to do jack, so shut up." Instead, General Kidney Stones says, "Your government knew that the rebels acquired the suitcase nukes. Still, they said nothing. They put the whole country at risk." My way was punchier, but that'll do. Vaughn doesn't really have a good answer to that, since General Kidney Stones is totally right, so he just whines, "At least delay a few hours until we get our people out!" General Kidney Stones is like, "Let me think about it. No. Get out." Vaughn pouts. General Kidney Stones adds, "You look more like your father every time I see you. You know that?" Vaughn Sr. was a whiner, too? General Kidney Stones starts to wander off before Vaughn tries yet another tack: "My father wrote about you. In his journal. He wrote that he trusted you and respected you, and that is why I came such a long way." I guess General Kidney Stones is worried that Vaughn Sr. is going to come haunt his ass or something, because he relents, offering, "I cannot call off the strike." Vaughn hangs his head all, "Aw, man!" General Kidney Stones adds, "But I will give you a head start." Instead of thanking him, Vaughn spits, "Meaning what?" General Kidney Stones says he'll get Vaughn a helicopter and a pilot: "But if you're going to try to rescue your friends, you're doing so at your own risk." Vaughn stares. Damn. As a viewer, I love Vaughn, and want him and Sydney to get together and have a million babies, but from the recapper's seat, he really comes across as a whiny-ass bitch. So it's a good thing I'm not this show's regular recapper.
You Can't Spell "Perfidy" Without PRF! Sydney dozes in her cell, but wakes at a sound at her door. "Dad!" she squeals delightedly. He unlocks her door and shushes her; his mouth is all bloody. Sydney asks how he got free, and he tells her that Irina is helping them, and explains about the keys. Sydney's all, "No way!" and Jack's all, "Way, and seriously, shut up." As he unlocks Sydney, Jack says Irina told him that the PRF is using the nuclear cores to activate a Rambaldi artifact: "Among the things Rambaldi experimented with was self-sustaining cell regeneration. This artifact they're opening today is reported to be Rambaldi's proof of eternal life...we have no time to make any meaningful assessment. All I know is that your mother claims to have provided us with the opportunity to contact the CIA for extraction, and we should act on it." They run away.